well today....

what an exhausting 6 wks! from my friend's wedding, to my severely dysfunctional family and their knife-in-the-back guilt-laden heavy-handed behaviors, to my crappy car and its endless problems, to purchasing a new used car, to work problems, friendship problems, cat problems, toe fungus issues, and blah blah blah…i'm fucking tired. i'm exhausted—physically, mentally. emotionally, and spiritually. i feel like i've had the crap beaten out of me. bleh.

this time of year is never kind for me, every year there's some bullshit that winds its way from about May thru October. every year i keep hoping the pattern will change, but it doesn't, just new issues every year. last year i'd just graduated w/my BA and MA, then my employer had a family crisis and one of the members turned into a shrieking freak for 3 months, then my car broke, then i got strep in my ear [painful and nasty], 5 rounds of antibiotics, then an ear tube, then i thought i'd damaged my hearing and went into a deep depression for months. then my car broke again, on and off, for the whole month of september, then a close friend totally betrayed me, then my family betrayed me. what a shitty summer. the only good thing last year was i got to see Madonna in Philly on july 4th—an incredible concert by an incredible lady! but even that was compromised since my ear was so fucked up. i had to wear plugs.

Summer 2005 hasn't been quite as awful as that, but March-May was brutal, with a similar right ear infection that i ended up with a months antibiotics that scraped my stomach out. the ear is healing now, but slowly. i've been blessed with a new used car, and i thank God for it, and hope i won't have mechanical problems like the last one. but i had to buy it 4 months sooner than expected, and i'm broke. pleasure right now for me is splurging on name-brand yogurt at pathmark. but i can't complain…things are looking up in several areas of my life. but i'm impatient, and want it all to change now, and i know the changes i'm starting now will take some time to manifest. its hard to be patient sometimes.

other things that are freaky now are other people. i feel like i've shifted to an alternate wavelength regarding all my relationships, and its just been weird. one thing thats fueling this i think is that i am starting to take back myself. i am an extremely giving person by nature, and being the typical pisces will sacrifice and put aside my own wants needs schedule and requirements for others in a heartbeat. for as long as i can remember i've been giving myself away, much to my own detriment it now seems.

the Uranus in Pisces thing is in full force with me, and its been going back and forth over my Sun in Pisces at 8-degrees for over a year now. Uranus is the force of volatile abrupt change, clearing of the decks, shakeup of patterns and systems, and in general, just change change change. Uranus is sortof ripping me a new asshole in a sense. pushing things in front of my eyes that i really didn't want to pay attention to; and one of the most pertinent and protracted is this giving away of myself, draining of my resources [physical, mental, and spiritual] until i'm empty and depressed. in layman's speak its called "people pleasing" and i am its #1 example. Uranus has been telling me for over a year now that it must stop, and its been forcing issues, pushing confrontations, anything, to get me to own myself again, to discover my unique identity, my likes and dislikes, and most importantly, my boundaries—what behaviors and relationships i want, will accept, and feel nourished in, and whether or not what i've got going on now is pushing me towards growth or sucking me dry. "Pisces" and "boundaries" aren't usually in the same universe—boundaries are most pisces acillies' heel and most of us don't have any. well, Uranus is seeing to it that this is gonna change, big time. but the change will be constant and slow for a while. very draining.

one thing i've been reading about is that while i'm changing [and this goes for any Sun sign Pisces now], many people prefer me as is—the apologetic people pleaser—and some will protest and not be supportive of my changing. some may throw hissy fits, be extra sandpapery in their dealings with me, treat me shoddily because i'm not living up to their expectations of me, or whatever way they can see to draw my attention away from myself, which is where its cosmically supposed to be right now. whatever it is, the need to unchange the change is there all over the place. i'm not saying there's anything evil here, but many, if not most people are generally afraid of change, except if you've got mutability stamped all over your chart, and a common reaction to change is to dig in, hold on, and stubbornly refuse to accept the changes, whatever they are.

i'm not expected to pay attention to myself. i've set a bad precedent. many pisces will succumb to the pressure and unchange themselves out of guilt—but this is a very bad misuse of Uranus energy and the blowback, when it comes, could be fierce. one of the things i've read lately is that Sun Pisces can't allow their guilt to overwhelm them now, they must embrace the changes, adapt, and flow with them. this use of the energy will eventually be very productive, but it will take time.

so i've been trying to be careful about the guilt thing and that's lead me to questions. if i have to play the servant/slave all the time, what use is the relationship to me? how does it benefit me?--these are questions i've not ever asked before. but really, what does and doesn't benefit me? what do i want?—which is i think a classic question that most Sun Pisces will be faced with sometime during the Uranus transit, and a scary question at that. boundary issues. i want relationships that are balanced, and thats part of what this transit is about and i guess why things have been very very unbalanced lately, allowing me to see just how out of balance most of my relationships are. so i'd have to rate my uncomfortability with myself and environment as quite high at this time. and of course, comfort doesn't promote change, only uncomfortableness and pain do. stay tuned.