briny deep

Hi I'm back

2006-10-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

Hi I'm back and don't know how consistant I can be now. Mercury is going retrograde soon.

Lyrics for this week.

2006-05-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

Talk to Me
Nirvana (Outsecticide)

Shake it down easy, shake it down sleazy, come on
Shake it down easy, shake yourself, Suzy, come on

Don't let me detain you
Try to ride along
Don't you lie, knowing
I am not sad
I am not silly
I am not chippin'
I am not chippin' away

Talk to me
In your own language, please
In your own...
Talk to me
In your own language please

Shake it down easy, make it sound seamy, doll man
Make it sound now, make it full house, sad man

Leader of the band
Makes a mental hell
I won't weather it well
Well I never
Saw it with my arm
Paint it with my heart
Paint it with my eyes and make it right

Talk to me
In your own language, please
In your own...
Talk to me
In your own language please

Lay down easy, lay it down seamy, sad man
Lay down easy, lay it down seamy, sad man

You don't want to hear this
Nothin' but a whore
I will play the leader
With pain
Now you know I'm needy
Lay them down easy
Lay them down easy

Talk to me
In your own language please

Rape Me
Nirvana (In Utero)

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me, do it again
I'm not the only one? [4x]

Hate me
Do it and do it again
Waste me
Rape me, my friend

I'm not the only one? [4x]

My favorite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
Appreciate your concern
You'll always stink and burn

Rape me
Rape me, my friend
Rape me
Rape me, do it again

I'm not the only one? [4x]

RAPE ME! [15x]

its now a few months since my b-day…and what have i learned about life?

2006-05-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

its been a busy few months, but i won't make excuses, i just didn't feel like posting here. i really didn't feel like communicating much, since most of the business during this time was less than stellar.

besides alanis morrisette lyrics, what have i really learned lately? hmm.

i've learned that even i have limits to the amount of bullshit i can put up with.

i've learned that i accumulate 'emotional baggage' in key areas of my lifestyle, and that this 'baggage' negatively affects my behavior and beliefs.

i've learned i need to be more careful about incurring emotional baggage, especially in the corners of my life i travel to during times i seek relief and retreat from drama.

i've learned emotional baggage piles up when i allow myself to stay in situations where i am taken advantage of and allow others to behave poorly towards me repeatedly. it also accumulates in places i allow people too far into my life when they have no business being there. it can also appear in nooks where i overcommit myself to projects i don't really care about.

and finally, i've learned that even though i may not have control over some things in my life, i should exercise the control i do have in other important life areas where lack of control and decision making prove draining, time wasting, and counterproductive.

my current life/living semester consists of these lessons. better late than never.

its my b-day, and what have i learned about life?

2006-02-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

now that i'm older people expect me to be wiser. not really sure if i managed any wisdom acquisition yet. i'm still quite dumb where life's lessons are concerned. since i can't impart any wisdom in this anniversary of my tragic intro to this planet, i'll let someone else distill some suggestions that might be useful.

You Learn
Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on by anyone, yeah
I recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah

Swallow it down ( what a jagged little pill )
It feels so good ( swimming in your stomach )
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free

Throw it down ( the caution blocks you from the wind )
Hold it up ( to the rays )
You wait and see when the smoke clear

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out ( the way a three-year-old would do )
Melt it down ( you're gonna have to eventually anyway )
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

…and there you have it.

sun in pisces fish tales

2006-02-23T19:43:00.000-05:00

From Practical Astrology by Victoria Bazeley:

SPECIAL HOROSCOPE FOR PISCES: FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20
Happy Birthday, Pisces!

This year's birthday month for you has the potential to be, well, interesting. There's a fair amount of planetary action that could affect you in ways large and small. The sun will enter your sun of course, and you'll have a birthday new moon on February 27th. Mercury is already in your sign and will begin retrograding as of the 2nd of March, meaning that this little planet will be in your neck of the woods throughout the solar month. Mars will finally enter Gemini and your solar 4th house where it will stir up goodness knows what in the sector of home and family. Uranus continues to transit your sign, and this month it will meet briefly with the sun and have a potentially fairly gnarly conversation with Mars on the 11th of March. And to top it off, there's a full moon eclipse in your opposite sign of Virgo on March 14.

Add it all up and it's an unpredictable month. Which is why I'm not going to even hazard any guesses as to what this month will bring you. Plausible scenarios range from absolutely nothing of interest to experiencing a month full of surprising events. Theoretically, the eclipse will touch you in the sector of your closest relationships (marriage, business partners, etc.), so you may see some action there. Or...you may not. Eclipses tend to be unpredictable, and so does Uranus. So instead of telling you what exactly to expect, I'll tell you what to be alert for, by trying to give you a sense of what the big picture is for your sign, and why some planetary weirdness may make itself felt.

You see, this eclipse essentially kicks off a period of around two years in which the planets will seemingly be hell-bent on getting something to happen for you that will make you very very glad. In the process, however, they will root through your closets with the help of Neptune in Aquarius and throw everything up in the air until they find what they're looking for. I don't know how you feel about having everything tossed up in the air for a couple of years, but I'm going to try to explain to you why I think it's a good thing although you may very well disagree at times.

You see, one of the reasons that Piscean people exist on this planet is to teach other signs how to experience joy. This may seem like an unlikely task for Pisces as no sign can get gloomier, sadder, or more depressed. Pisces is the quintessential crying sign of the zodiac and whether you happen to be the kind of Piscean who likes to indulge it or not, your sign likes nothing better than a big boo-hooing session to clear out not only its sinuses but its accumulated sad feelings. And that, in its contradictory way, is exactly why Pisces is also the single most joyful, ecstatic sign in the zodiac. Sadness, boo-hooing, and the rest of those things happen to be how the human soul cleanses itself so it can see anew. Joy is experienced in the moment, something that the mutable sign of Pisces knows. If you repress sadness when it occurs, you repress joy as well. Being open to joyful moments requires periodic cleansing of the soul by indulging in and getting rid of all those little sadnesses, disappointments and painful feelings we all experience.

Most of the other signs don't know that. They think the route to joy is to conscientiously slap a positive attitude on top of all those sad feelings they'd rather not experience. A positive attitude is a wonderful thing, but it is not joy. Joy requires being able to feel; and being able to feel means being willing to experience pain. Now what the heck does this have to do with me, you may be wondering uneasily at this point.

Here's the deal. The planets are apparently getting ready to strap you into a rollercoaster of emotions to test your Piscean willingness and ability to ride through the moments and show all the rest of us that if we can just hang in there with our real feelings during the inevitable sickening drops that life sometimes hands us, then we will also get to experience the wonderful, exhilarating, joyful highs that life also hands out. Uranus, Mr. Rollercoaster himself, is very firmly parked in your sign. Neptune, your own ruling planet, is busy pulling up every unconscious feeling it can find in your psyche for your examination. And the eclipse series that begins March 14 is basically a set of mini-thrill rides that occur around 6 months for a couple of years. During the next couple of years your legs may get wobbly at times, and you may wonder whether or not you really want to be on a rollercoaster. But if you can hang in there through this process--big time joy will come your way.

This is the kind of energy that can make dreams come true. It may make them come true in a series of extremely unsettling jolts, but it can make them come true. Not all of them at once, but some of the most important ones. If you're willing to ride the rollercoaster.

So what do you need to do to make your dreams come true during this cycle? Well, it helps to actually have some. It also helps to communicate them, and to be willing to act on them. A little bravery will work to your advantage during this cycle as well. Being alert to surprising opportunities (the key word is surprising) and not hesitating to jump on them is a big plus. But the most important thing perhaps is to not block the energy. The rest of us are counting on you to be an inspiration. Show us how it's done. Show us how you're willing to keep on wanting something important even when wanting is painful, even when wanting is not having yet. Show us that if a person is willing to experience all the highs and lows that go with wanting and trying and trying again to make a dream come true--that crazy wonderful things really will happen. All the rest of us want to see your dreams come true because it gives us hope. So show all the rest of us how to experience joyfulness by spending the next couple of years being willing to have some of your dreams come true.

-----------------------------

As the last sign of the zodiac, you are in conflict with yourself, as your symbol suggests--two fish locked in tension, forever pulling each other in opposite directions. This can represent the personality tied to the soul, and indeed one seems to be swallowing the other. Your motto is "serve or suffer." And if you lean more toward the spiritual side, your rewards are huge, for you are the most sensitive and psychic sign in the horoscope.

You are friendly, charitable, self-sacrificing, and kind--with a natural intuition that works endlessly on behalf of others. Your fault is you have a difficulty in facing reality, so that many times you seem to deceive others, taking the path of least resistance instead of telling the terrible truth. Your rose-colored glasses may flatter others, but they also can lead you to tell lies. You can also be impressionable or gullible, and need to focus and channel your imaginations creatively. You, of all others, are the poet of the zodiac--please use that creative energy to its best expression.

You need a career that helps others, and have a talent for caring. Though you are not good at organization, you often work selflessly in the background, even though you may be attracted to acting where you can conceal your true personality behind the role. You make exceptional counselors, since you are so aware of the suffering of others. Other careers include a religious vocation, professional musicians, doctors, designing clothes--or doing two jobs at once, in keeping with your dual sign. In business, you make powerful administrators because you are so in tune with others' feelings. You need variety, but are not overly ambitious. You don't relish change--it brings about confusion and apprehension. You're not good at it, and your imagination works overtime, worrying.

Your inner self is always preparing to retreat from the world. You need to always try to seek a balance between your two sides, and to restrain your strong and deep emotions that cause moodiness, introspection, and a difficulty in expressing to others. When your need to escape from the world, to be alone, leads you to the source--the river of life--it can lead to great accomplishments. When you meet up with drugs, alcohol, or other substitutes, you become the prey for others. Watch out for your deep sense of pride which may keep you addicted for many years.

On the negative side, you may suffer from an inferiority complex, and a sense of unworthiness that can be self-indulged and wallowed in. You may try to lose this sense of separateness by resigning and being submissive to whatever you are involved in--love, lust, work, or pleasure. You must guard against this, and realize that your only true freedom comes through spiritual orientation. When you do this, you will become the true saviors and servants of mankind. With a great sense of compassion, you can sacrifice yourself for the betterment of the world.

More than anything, Pisces needs to explore his or her world through the emotions. You feel things deeply, and can become psychic easily, absorbing emotions around you. You need to choose your friends carefully, to guard against bad vibes. Your creativity and imagination makes you lean towards the arts, theater and film, whether as a career or a hobby. You need to make time to be alone, so you can detach from others' emotions and concentrate on that solitude and life force within. This will make you less moody and less impressionable, and will help you from suffering indecisiveness. This also can develop your mystical tendencies and spiritual side.

You flourish in a stable love relationship, as this fills you emotionally. A woman Pisces is mysterious, complex and compassionate. She is all feeling, with a quiet strength and inner depth that doesn't like to be limited or restricted in expression. She doesn't like dogma, and needs companionship--yet craves solitude. She can have a weakness for drugs or alcohol if imbalanced, but if she is evolved, she can excel in art, literature or music. She has a mystical channel that is very spiritual, if she is in tune with it, and has an almost psychic connection to children.

The challenge for the Pisces is to stay connected, to balance their two extremes seen in the picture of the two fish swimming in opposite directions, and to guard against becoming an aimless wanderer, a voyager, an introvert mired in depression, or an addict. With a sensitive nervous system, they many times react strongly to small doses of food or medications. They must also think carefully about who they can trust.

Their boundaries are thin, and they live best when they are connected to Jung's "collective unconscious," when he or she can retrieve from the spiritual world what has been lost, and bring it back to the surface for others to gaze at. Ruled by Neptune and Jupiter, a Pisces is steeped in dreams, visions, the imagination, and illusions. They have a need to get away for awhile and meditate before rejoining society, and find it difficult living in the present, preferring to live in the past or the future. Their challenge is to find some kind of way to express themselves without becoming addicted or a part of some kind of self-sabotage. They also need to find a way to fit in, without being co-dependent or a martyr. They need to find compassion without self-sacrifice.

Pisces rules the feet, which gives them good grounding, and a connection to earth. Sometimes they may get out of their depths, or lose control, and may need a more practical partner such as a Virgo to help get them back. Their challenge is to fully embrace the mystery or mystic sides of experience, while remaining a compassionate human being. As a water sign, and as a fish, they clean all the toxicity and poison out of other people with their gills, needing only solitude to clean themselves.

source.

Pisces symbolizes the vast, mysterious, nurturing ocean and the odd creatures that came out of it and on to dry land: a bit confused at first, adapting a well as they could, forever filled with the nostalgia of their origin - a genesis far back in the murky past - and carried by the hopes of their dream - transcendance in the misty future. Pisces ruling planet is Neptune which symbolizes myth, the symbolic and paradoxical nature of transcendental truth, veiled by illusion, recaptured by imagination, vision and seflessness. Pisces belongs to the Water element, pointing to the dissolving power of the primal ocean that covers and erodes lands, rocks, mountains and buildings. Pisces is a Mutable sign, indicating a lack of boundaries, a loose and blurry sense of identity.

Pisces has an affinity with the astrological 12th House, the Ego-Crusher (Fate experienced as a curse, chronic or debilitating conditions, karmic baggage, painful issues buried in the past, addiction). What lies behind the ego is the Self and it can only come out and reclaim its rightful dimension once the personality has cleared the way with selfless action and outlook. This is not easy for anyone snared in the trappings of the world and mired in its values. Thus comes confusion and an attempt to escape as graphically symbolized by the two fishes swimming aimlessly in opposite directions. But the dream is stronger and more vivid than the decoy of what passes for "reality".

Pisceans need a lot of space to fantasize although they also have a tendency for getting "holed up" when things don't go too well. They don't mind reclusion, even exile or self-imposed confinement. They need time alone because other people tend to overwhelm them and drain their energy, which may be weak to start with. They may drag their feet to do anything requested or imposed, but they would probably give their shirt or their last penny if you show them you are in dire straights. They may be more afraid of having to deal with "reality" and immediate consequences than to gaze into any hypothetical "beyond".

Pisceans like to let God or their partners balance the checkbook and pay the bills. Like water, if you provide the fire, they warm up and can evaporate, go up in steam. If you remove the fire, they slowly become tepid and if the conditions are such, icy. They can become easily defeated, resignated, imposed upon or victimized but since they can relate to this without being vengeful or judgmental, they can also be great saviors, rescuers, healers, listeners. The 12-step programs seem to have been invented for them and by them. You'll find a lot of Pisceans in bars, in movie theaters, as couch-potatoes in front of the TV, in prisons, hospitals and institutions, but also climbing mountains, flying an airplane, sailing solo across the ocean, or in communes, cults, and new-age stores!

source.

Those with prominent Pisces have been called mystic and psychic; they have been labeled as simpletons, and they have been stereotyped as 'those who dwell in deep waters'! They have been cruelly described as "homely" and even unintelligent at times, and have even been portrayed as shrewd. They have been found to be nebulous by some, with their awareness and psychic-ectoplasm hovering between realities, giving the impression that the Pisces is focused on a realm that is neither here nor there! So many diverse labels and such controversies characterize this 'mutable' sign that forms the tail end of the zodiac. Pisces stands for fish and fish is a simple life form, many say. It is also one of the oldest life forms and depicts survival and adaptability without which no life form can aspire to thrive for long. Pisces reminds us of the smell of the seas, the chaotic primordial sea from which creation arose, according to Hindu mythology, as gods and demons churned the ocean of milk and found nectar as well as poison. The secrets that the ocean can hold in its bosom are unfathomable, and yet it is made of transparent water that keeps moving and seems so incapable of hiding anything or keeping something buried within.

source.

Pisces is the last of the signs, the place where all of our lives, successes and failures, loves and hates, past and future, light and dark, are integrated. It is where our soul and our personality finally meet—and join.

In Aquarius we incorporated our guiding star, our ideals, into our lives. Now in Pisces we can touch that inner spirit in ourselves which informs us how we are living up to those ideals. We can use that starlight to move through the dark of unfinished business, and its fire to burn away the final dross of our zodiacal journey. It was a Piscean child who could say, "See, the Emperor has no clothes!"

Pisces is a water sign. All water signs are healing and bridging signs. Through them we touch our e-motions, which literally spur us to motion, move us into expression of what has real meaning to us. Pisces’ connection to proper understanding is shown by its association to the feet, which stand under us.

Water signs are in touch with suffering, and most suffering arises in the letting go of something to which we cling. In the air signs, which precede the water signs, we tend to hang onto outmoded ideas, attitudes, perspectives, and ways of thinking. Now, in Pisces, we allow intuition to work with mind to separate the significant from the petty, so that we can let go of nonessentials.

In Pisces, the last of the water signs, we must go all the way, we must finish the job. It is time to go through that metamorphosis which leads to transcendence of all those earthly ties which bind only the personality. The way must be opened for the soul.

The energy for this inner ruthlessness is like the great depths of the sea. During its quiet times the sea erodes the land inconspicuously but inexorably. In its stormy times, tidal waves and hurricanes can be totally devastating. Always, the sea releases its debris. We can see it on the beaches and in the fishermen’s nets.

Purification is the goal. It is during Pisces time that we engage in the fasting and penance of Lent. We are preparing the space for the fresh birth of Aries at Spring Equinox.

The night force is now in its closing phase, and all the remaining ghosts must be cleaned out if we are to become agents of universal wholeness.

Our imaginations open. We touch the grand symphony of the spheres. As we strengthen our inner focus, our purpose can become clear. In Pisces we need to align ourselves with spirit; if we fail to do this, confusion and chaos result.

As our sensitivity is increased, as we refocus around our spiritual center, we find a new strength to act, and that strength is generated through love. In Pisces we will be drawn to whatever we love the most, and if we focus our love on our true purpose, we will draw to ourselves opportunities for growth and success. Love is he greatest of all healing powers.

In Pisces we can appreciate the poetry and beauty of life. We have a restlessness to become part of the good, the true, and the beautiful which persist through time. The eternal verities draw us.

As we detach ourselves from one time and place, we can tune into all times and places. As we open and listen to our own deepest selves, we become attuned to all of life. We become aware that we are connected with one another in one vast web of life, and what happens to one part affects all the parts. We thus develop compassion and true humility.

Examples of Pisceans with an ability to see the whole combined with a strong sense of purpose are George Washington, the Father of our Country, James Madison, the Father of the Constitution, and Ralph Nader, who has been behind most of the environmentally friendly legislation which Congress has passed in the last 30 years, including the Clean Air Act and the Clean Water Act. Talk about purification!

source.

as a Pisces, you've discovered the hard way - whenever a great big 18 wheeler crisis comes barreling down the interstate of life at 100 miles an hour (and inevitably there is a crisis barreling your way, isn't there) - that the best way to respond to that 18 wheeler crisis is by remaining quiet within yourself and allowing yourself to "go with flow" of unfolding of events. When you do that - then, much of time, the 18 wheeler crisis resolves itself.

For most folks, this sort of giving up of control is more than a wee bit disconcerting. It's tough to remain calm with an 18 wheeler crisis headed your way. Most folks like to get in control by organizing, plotting out, and controlling a predictable course of events. But "going with the flow" often works out just fine for you. When "going with the flow" in answer to a crisis - you've discovered that all of the questions you needed answered are "miraculously" answered in the "nick of time." All the doors you needed opened are "unexpectedly" opened. Questions are answered and/or doors are are "miraculously" and "unexpectedly" opened with little or no "conscious" effort on your part. Likewise, you've discovered that if you interfere by trying to take control matters when facing a crisis situation - then all the right answers mysteriously vanish and all the open doors slam shut on your toes.

... the real truth is that there is NO typical description of a Sun in Pisces. Sometimes I wish like heck I could pin you down, but it's impossible. You're like the mythological Greek sea god Proteus, notorious for being a shape shifter. And whenever someone attempts to catch you in their net, you simply change shapes and swim away. The older and more mature you become, Pisces - the more clearly you will be able to see and thus take advantage of your fluid shape shifting qualities and abilities. The magician like shape shifting qualities of Pisces inevitably become your strongest bulwark and defense for survival in the world.

Since you're one of my personal favorite Sun Signs, I'll finish this section off with a little story which relates to the energies of Pisces. A young, handsome man is out fishing one day and catches something rather unusual in his net. The youth catches a beautiful mermaid, also known as a melusine. The youth and mermaid immediately fall in love with one another. There's one major hitch, though. The two lovers are from very different worlds and it's obvious the young man can't join the world of the mermaid. So, she makes the ultimate sacrifice - so that the two of them can be together. The mermaid offers to join the world of the young man by taking on the form of a mortal woman. But in exchange for this sacrifice, the mermaid requires one small promise from the young man. He must promise never to ask her to reveal her true name. (The promise he must make actually varies from version to version, but the idea is not to pry into a secret held only by the mermaid.)

The young man readily agrees to this condition and makes the promise to her. So the years pass by with the lovers living in their very own version of blissful, joyous paradise. But as time goes by, the young man becomes ever so much more curious about the mermaid - wanting to know where she came from, who she is and what her true name is. The young man thinks to himself that surely enough time has passed and the beautiful mermaid won't mind telling him who she is and what her true name is.

So one day, the young man gathers up his nerve and asks the beautiful mermaid what her true name is? The mermaid shrieks in horror that the young man has broken his promise and she instantly disappears. So you see, Pisces... even if I managed to catch a brief glimpse of your pure essence, you'd simply disappear.

source.

Famous Pisces People

February 19 Prince Andrew, Sven Hedin
February 20 Cindy Crawford, Kurt Cobain, Sidney Poitier, Robert Altman
February 21 Jennifer Love Hewitt, William Baldwin, Kelsey Grammer, Nina Simone, Barbara Jordan, Anais Nin
February 22 Drew Barrymore, Ted Kennedy, George Washington, Frederic Chopin, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Julius Erving
February 23 W.E.B. Du Bois
February 24 George Harrison, Steve Jobs, Edward James Olmos
February 25 Tea Leoni, Pierre-Auguste Renoir, Georg Friedrich Handel, Enrico Caruso, Meher Baba, Adelle Davis
February 26 Johnny Cash, Michael Bolton, Erykah Badu, Victor Hugo
February 27 Chelsea Clinton, Elizabeth Taylor, John Steinbeck, Ralph Nader
February 28 Brian Jones, Bernadette Peters, Linus Pauling, Tommy Tune
February 29 Anne Lee, Jimmy Dorsey, John Holland
March 1 Ron Howard, Tim Daily, Harry Belefonte, Ralph Ellison, Roger Daltry, Alberta Hunter
March 2 Tom Wolfe, Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss), Mikhail Gorbachev, Lou Reed, Tom Wolfe, John Irving, Martin Ritt, Jon Bon Jovi
March 3 Alexander Graham Bell, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, George Pullman
March 4 Mirium Makeba, Patsy Kensit
March 5 Niki Taylor
March 6 Stedman Graham, Jr., Shaquille O’Neal, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Wes Montgomery, Alan Greenspan
March 7 Maurice Ravel, Peter Wolfe, Piet Mondrian
March 8 Aidan Quinn
March 9 Camryn Manheim, James Vander Beek, Freddie Prinze, Jr.
March 10 Sharon Stone
March 11 Ralph Abernathy
March 12 Liza Minneli, James Taylor, Andrew Young, Jack Kerouac
March 13 Percival Lowell, William H. Macy
March 14 Albert Einstein, Michael Caine, Quincy Jones, Billy Chrystal
March 15 Mike Love, Fabio, Gerhardus Mercator, Michelangelo
March 16 Jerry Lewis, James Madison
March 17 Gary Sinise, Kurt Russell
March 18 Edgar Cayce
March 19 Bruce Willis
March 20 Holly Hunter

brokeback mountain

2005-12-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

last night a friend and i went into manhattan to see Brokeback Mountain.

based on the 1997 short story by annie proulx, this is one of the most intense and moving love stories i've ever seen on film.

the fated love shared by ennis and jack is set against a backdrop of stifling, culturally repressed, religiously ADD western USA from the early 1960s thru 1980s. ang lee's wyoming is breathtakingly beautiful, which is the environment inwhich ennis and jack carry on their 20 yr relationship. this is a paradox to the ghetto, messy, visually displeasing realities both live out with wives they marry to satisfy our culture's gender expectations. their children are average, and relations with inlaws is unspectacular, and in jack's case, demeaning, which i think anyone who has been married can relate to.

jack is the impulsive one, led by his heart to embrace ennis in a moment of raw passion during a cold night on brokeback mountain. jack's heart is worn on his sleeve throughout the movie. he can't help but allow it to rule his life despite his culture's expectations of what a Man Should Be.

ennis is the opposite of jack. product of a tragically truncated family, he's stuffed his feelings inside himself, only to escape during times of overboiling rage against those who would test him. ang lee's poetic scene at the july 4th fireworks elloquently expresses visually the churning, powerful emotions that traverse ennis's inner landscape.

as with most romeo&juliet love stories, the movie ends sadly and tragically. jake gyllenhaal and heath ledger infuse their characters with deep emotional texture that adds weight to brokeback's ending. alot of weight. the film lingered in my mind long after leaving the theatre.

although in limited release, i think brokeback mountain should be nominated for the academy awards, and should win. this movie's ability to traverse a relationship landscape where few dare to go, and to accomplish this so well, makes it the best picture of 2005 for me.

if you're still undecided about seeing this due to its subject matter, get over it. stop catering to people who's ignorance proceeds from the blinders they wear to reality. grow up, leave judgment at the theatre door and enjoy the film for what it is: a truly powerful and tragic love story.

Blah

2005-12-24T11:42:00.000-05:00

Blah.

color preferences

2005-12-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

i tend to wear a lot of black. agewise i'm in the early "gen-x" generation [termed 'x-Atari' by some] but was never a goth or anything. "sloppy" could've been my teenage moniker. but i remember that i began to wear a lot of black around the age of 15, which was also the time i began making money at odd jobs and could buy whatever clothing i wanted. i naturally started to gravitate towards the color black. even if i bought certain shirts in other colors, i always made sure i had one in black.

later i went thru some 'color' phases [notably a few years post-divorce in the early 1990s] and for a time adorned myself in almost outrageous color. then, for some reason in the mid-90s, i went back to black.

being an artist helps i guess, since its a common cliche to think of artists in black mock-turtlenecks. but i never wore black because of that. it always felt right to me and i've always been more comfortable wearing that color than any other [except for sometimes blue, which is my favorite color].

johnny cash of course made his most telling lifetime statement by switching to black. he even wore a black shirt under blue overalls on HeeHaw [i saw it on an infomercial].

lately i've been tossed a few casually sarcastic comments about my clothing color preferences. i think some people read too much into it and seem intimidated enough to offer up unsolicited idiotic comments to cover their insecurities. these comments irritate me since those offering them seem to have NO discernable style at all, wearing whatever could be scrounged from the dryer or hamper that day.

my black preference does go deep, but not that i could define. thanks to the web, the right words came at me thru a message board this evening:

"i think the reason that wearing black became so popular was that gex x has a very intuitive understanding of The Void, Nothingness, evil, etc. This Void, for those of you who have felt it or seen it, is actually quite a creative inspiration because the more it is "fed", the larger it gets.

But it is also terrifying on first encounter, because there is nothing blacker, nothing colder, nothing that reminds you more of, well...nothing, non being. It is a shock to see that it exists within you, especially at an early and tender age.

The Void is created (or perhaps discovered) in someone when a part of him or her dies. If you are a kid growing up around a divorce, something dies inside you that at first goes through putrification and decay, then dries to dust, then is walled off by scar tissue, leaving a hole where a living part of your soul had once been.

It is difficult and awkward to share that bit of nothingness with someone else, hence the black, which makes it ceremonial and a bit funerary and in a way fun and humorous.

I am not saying that kids of divorced parents are all black-wearing, or all basket-cases, or all major-leauge whiners. Most get along fine enough in life. But if one thing in my limited dealings with the human race has taught me (as the middle child of parents who stayed together), it is that EVERY kid who goes through it has that little hole in them--even if they can't see it, themselves.

Is there a way to heal it, fill it up, make it whole, nourish it, or restore it? Nope. (I've tried on numerous friends and loved ones in small subtle ways and gestures.) It's GONE forever.

It's similar to the Void in someone who has wrecked their life with drugs and alcohol. Even if they get over their booze and repair their lives, a part of them remains broken forever, sealed off, condemned in a secret and dark corner."
—Ricercar71

and this quote:

"The Void, if you want my opinion, isn't the wound itself (of the divorce, the death, the rape, whathaveyou) but the emptiness surrounding it, the refusal of people around you to acknowledge it, the terrible loneliness of having to say "I'm fine, how are you" to everyone you meet when, no, you're not fine, the world just fell apart."
—angeli

these quotes are taken from a message board on The Fourth Turning website.

i thought these two message authors were intuitive and i could most definitely relate. my black preferences exist on several levels from the easy [black goes w/everything] to sublime ["a part of them remains broken forever"]. like most latch-key early gen-xers, my parents divorced when i was 9 after 3 nasty years of legal battles, which i guess was the first void for me. but others followed swiftly, including the death of my best friend by a drunk driver, my own nasty twisted and expensive divorce, and other more recent and persistent events.

i'm not saying that everyone doesn't experience voids, horrible circumstances, etc, but there is something to be said for stuff that goes on in a kid's environment that stays with them for life. sure the data [written by adults] suggests kids are "resilient" in divorce, but even resilience has limits, and emotional scars, invisible to most mediocre people, run to great depths that sometimes only others who've been thru it can really understand.

i'll continue wearing black for all my various reasons. for those who feel compelled to offer stupid commentary, well, they probably do their best thinking when not sitting on their brains.

still water runs deep

2005-11-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

so what movie did i rent? Last Days by Gus Van Sant, the director of the Columbine movie "Elephant."

when i rented it i didn't know what to expect. earlier this year it received terrible reviews when released. i knew it was loosely based on the 'last days' of kurt cobain's life, and that it was an 'art' film, and really didn't think it would be that good--i thought it would be hokey, surface, and just trying to hitch itself to the legend of cobain.

i have to say that to watch this movie one must:

1. be a big fan of nirvana.
2. have read widely about kurt cobain's life, his last year of life, and his emotional life.

if you don't have these two requirements, Last Days will be lost on you and you'll die of boredom. nothing in the movie will make sense to you, except some of the shots and costumes.

if you have the two requirements above, and are in a certain mood, this movie will make sense to you. you'll be amazed at van sant's attention to detail not only the surface stuff, but the darker emotional themes underlying them.

michael pitt, who stars as the rock star "blake" channel's kurt cobain dead on. more than the clothing and the hair, his mostly silent interpretation of this person's painful last few days on earth is painful to watch. his character is uncomfortable to watch as you know what he will eventually do. the movie doesn't show any scenes of drug use, nor the actual suicide, so the viewer is unsure where blake's madness comes from, but the mumbling with a few audible comments, the body movements, and the stare, speak of personal emotion distress that i think few could imagine.

pitt also channels cobain in two musical interludes, and does a fantastic job of conveying deep soulful emotional pain in the only way he could express it--thru music.

the movie is sprinkled with details many will miss. one is of the mention of being on 'bended knee". in one scene the video for Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" plays on a TV while blake succumbs to some inner demons. another scene shows his "friends" listening to Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" with the "bended knee" line mouthed by a listener. i think the juxtiposition of these two songs is deliberate. both lyrics contain relevant lines that pertain to the movie's themes:

Boyz II Men "On Bended Knee"

Darlin’ I can’t explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it’s drivin’ me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I’ll gurantee
That I’ll never let you go

Chorus:
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I’m down on bended knee
I’ll never walk again until you come back to me
I’m down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don’t need to be alone
I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I’m begging you, begging you come back to me

Chorus

Mike’s monolauge:
Baby, I’m sorry
Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done
Please come back home girl
I know you put all your trust in me
I’m sorry I let you down
Please forgive me

Gonna swallow my pride
Say I’m sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don’t ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love
It can heal all things
We won’t hurt anymore
No I don’t believe our love’s terminal
I’m down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Velvet Underground "Venus in Furs"

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
Whiplash girlchild in the dark
Clubs and bells, your servant, don’t forsake him
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

Downy sins of streetlight fancies
Chase the costumes she shall wear
Ermine furs adorn the imperious
Severin, severin awaits you there

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears

Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather
Shiny leather in the dark
Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

Severin, severin, speak so slightly
Severin, down on your bended knee
Taste the whip, in love not given lightly
Taste the whip, now plead for me

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
Whiplash girlchild in the dark
Severin, your servant comes in bells, please don’t forsake him
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

being on one's knees can be interpreted as praying, begging, submission, all acts of a sort of "surrender". the two lyrics couldn't be more different in who they address, one is sweet, talking about going back to better times and being in love, the other is a monologue also of love, but a darker connotation of love in a sense of power, control, slave, servant issues. both are about relationships out of balance, one the lighter side, the other much darker.

"On Bended Knee" also mentions putting the blame back on the person singing the song [shades of "All Apologies"?] and the second song talks about servants "serving" their master [relating to "Serve the Servants"?]. Many of Cobain's songs mention relationships that are completely out of balance--where the control rests outside of the singer's hands, as they deal with serving the "other".

Since Courtney Love wouldn't have possibly allowed a more realistic interpretation of her husband's last days, nor provide permission to use his music, i think using these songs [and the Boys II Men video] was clever to say the least.

i think the director did his homework for this movie--not only visually [pitt's Blake, his clothing, etc, the session room, etc] but seeding this movie with deeper murky emotional cues that can be noticed only if you've read more about Cobain.

I think the movie received bad reviews because many didn't understand the context. blake has no character development here--he's already done and has made his decision to end his life. all the movie shows are hints as to why he might do what he ends up completing.

the phone book salesman -- blake lets him in and listens passively. a year ago he took out an ad--did he do it to please the salesman? will he renew it? this shows blake's lack of personal boundaries and his people pleaser nature.

his "friends" -- they only approach him when in need of something, advice about writing a song, or for money. they aren't his friends, they're leeches that have helped suck him dry.

the mormans -- coming to the house to explain the christian interpretation of Christ's sacrifice is a scene very loaded with all sorts of meanings.

the detective and friend -- grant and dylan carson made two visit's to cobains home looking for him in those last days. the movie shows blake running and hiding during both visits--speculation is that cobain did the same in real life. he'd already made up his mind about what he'd do.

the older woman -- she asks blake about his daughter and apologizing to her for becoming a rock 'cliche'. is the woman a representation of cobain's mother, wendy, who said kurt had gone a 'joined that stupid club' the one populated by cliches such as hendrix, morrison, and joplin? was she a symbol of many female influences in his life, all of them trying to provide nurturing and protection? it doesn't matter since she leaves without blake anyway.

i give this effort 4 out of 5 stars. but i'm a big nirvana fan and have read extensively on cobain's life. this isn't an entertainment movie, but a meditation on someone's deep emotional crisis. if you're into that sort of thing, rent this, you won't be disappointed.

holiday meltdown report: parking lot guzzling

2005-11-26T13:58:00.000-05:00

black friday - the day i stay away from the malls. too much hyperactive shopping. instead i returned a DVD to my local rental store, situated in an L-shaped stripmall that includes a chinese restaurant, cardshop, radioshack, staples, dunkin donuts, and a liquor store. this place isn't in the better part of town. its situated in the poorer, more ethnically mixed section. i don't care, the prices in this stripmall are cheap.

so i was sorta curious to see a man dressed in a suit and wool coat sitting in his silver ragtop saab there. i passed him while walking from my car to the west coast video. he looked totally out of place sitting there, reading the NYT.

after returning my DVD, i got a cup of coffee at D&D, and walked back to my car, approaching the saab from behind. and then it made sense. the guy was sipping from a bottle hidden in a paper bag. he took a swig and hid it again as soon as he noticed me approaching his car. aha! i thought--you're hiding here in this shithole stripmail drinking your cheap liquor before going to some family related thing like shopping or who knows--its a holiday meltdown moment!

the holidays bring out the best people have to offer don't they? NOT!

holiday meltdown begins

2005-11-24T14:23:00.000-05:00

first, i think turkeys are cool. they're the oddest looking things, but beautiful. here's some turkey links:

wikiturkey
turkeyfacts
turkeyhistory [scroll down for article]
turkeyjokes

this post is dedicated to all those who for whatever reason, don't like the holidays. not because the holidays themselves are awful, but because of the plastic meaning and artificial emotional filler shoved down our throats by our western culture. this false brevity amplifies bad memories, strains families, and causes untold bouts of anxiety and depression.

if you're relating to this, then know you're not alone. our society shuts off during times like this, and those who don't play along with the plastic joy, well, sometimes its hard on these days.

i've done the family thing, guest of significant others sibling thing, the family with guest thing, the married with inlaws as guest thing, guest of the inlaws thing, child of a single parent as guest of her friends thing, sitting at the kids table thing, divorced friends getting together thing, serving dinner to the homeless thing, attending the church's meal thing, not celebrating, celebrating, going to the movies…
i've done the holidays as many ways as i can and this year i'm burnt out. i just don't care its a fucking holiday.

part of this i think comes from the forced nature of this time of year. its embedded deep in our culture on religious, economic, political, mythic, and pop culture levels and cuts across most of the other blather usually holding court. there's no escape. even google has a turkey in their logo today.

don't misunderstand, i think the ideas of thanksgiving, christmas, hanuka, and kwanza are terrific. today, a day of "thanksgiving" is really not about the turkey, or the family, or whatever, its about gratitude to God for what a person has been blessed with in their life.

its the iconic surface 'blessing' idea i don't like. God chooses to bestow his blessings in uncountable ways. some people get large loving families that get closer at the holidays, some people get material things like houses and financial security, some get good jobs where they're respected by their coworkers, and meaningful work. others are blessed, but not in that way. perhaps, thru no fault of their own they have a dysfunctional family, or no family at all, maybe they're poor, even though they have a job, but the office is dysfunctional, where psychopaths are rewarded for aggressive bullying behavior. but maybe those same people are blessed in other ways.

maybe they've been blessed with artistic talent, inner strength, resourcefulness, intelligence, and imagination, things intangible, but priceless. these are blessings too. possessing them is no guarantee of anything, but neither is a large family, material goods, or an important job--those things can be taken away in a heartbeat. blessings that reside inside a person cannot be stolen from them, or taken by greed. these intangible blessings, hidden from the world's view are those i think about and am grateful for on this holiday.

so if you're not perpetuating the mediocre standard today but instead counting your hidden blessings--i wish you a happy thanksgiving!

peace

2005-11-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

i had a really nice weekend away. it was so peaceful i even 'napped' on saturday during the middle of the day. i usually never nap, i'm too high-strung. napping on saturday afternoon told me i was in the right place and had allowed myself to take in the peaceful atmosphere.

where was i? a jesuit retreat house about 45 min from my home. i went on a "silent" retreat meaning that the 60-100 people who attend take a vow of silence until lunch on sunday. we don't talk to each other. instead we either listen to some of the material presented to us by the retreat leader, or to that small voice inside us, or maybe to God. the goal of a silent retreat is to disconnect from the world for a little while, like a refreshing glass of iced tea or dip in the pool, to sort of wake up from the negativity and nastiness that surrounds us in the world.

silent retreats aren't for everyone, some people come to this one and discover they can't shut up for a weekend. so they find other retreats where there is no silent vow. i prefer the silence. in my everyday life i'm always "on" even when alone. by last friday i was ready to club someone over all the aggravation of the past few weeks. although today, monday, was back in the negative/nasty world, i'm still calm and at peace, since the retreat atmosphere sort of stays with me a few days. i wish i could keep this feeling in the trunk of my car so i can use it thru the year. unfortunately this world doesn't work that way. oh well.

for the non-elitist

2005-11-11T19:01:00.000-05:00

a tough week. last night i went to the movies with a friend, a nice break. "Saw 2" was the feature--great movie! not just an empty headed horror film ala "Friday the 13th", the plot wasn't easy to figure out. forget about predicting what would happen next! i hate predictable horror films. Saw 2 kept me on the edge of my chair the entire time--and also had a twisted & satisfying ending. if you like intelligent horror films, i recommend Saw 2.

i'm off for a weekend away. alot to think about in many areas of my life. i hate how sometimes one thing really gets to me, and i end of thinking about it, without answers, until i'm sick of thinking. but i have something now that is kind of getting to me, a dilemma, in a sense and i hope by sunday i'll have an answer.

my dilemma includes the value of an education in american society, and the stratified social ladder created purposely by the elite. i won't be citing any empiracle data here--just how i feel. i mean, it is MY blog.

intelligence comes in many flavors, not just "IQ", there's relational, emotional, creative, artistic, intuitive...all kinds of intelligence. intelligence is a blend of genetics + environmental factors and isn't bounded by race, ethnicity, gender, age, economic circumstances, anything like that. that's what i believe. although developing a person's intelligence, to lets say an "ivy league" placement takes more than just braincells or cunning. it takes lots of money, stable parents and siblings [if you've got them], and many other factors. if you happen not to have the correct environmental factors going for you, despite a high intelligence, you're probably never going to see the campus of an ivy league school.

i live in the northeast US, where ivy league is a supposed "big deal", but i've read that in other parts of the country, its not considered with the same 'esteem' it gets here. if you don't know what ivy league is, go read about it on Wikipedia. but its big here--and can affect your future. the environmental factors, such as financial well-offness, family connections, stable home environment, are always downplayed here--as if a non ivy league education mean's you're dumb. no kidding.

i'm certainly not dumb, but not ivy league branded either. not that i couldn't have been based on my intelligence. i'm intelligent enough, but all those other factors just mentioned, well, i didn't have any of them going for me. at one point i was so depressed in HS i didn't even want to go to University at all and had no opportunities either, so i thought i'd just end up at a nail salon or post office or something. that's not to say that non-college educated people are dumb--there aren't at all, but they too suffer from our society's perception of intelligence and intellect 'branding'.

my father, who wasn't college-educated, or rich, or still married to my mother, was the force behind my going to college at all, at of course the local 3rd tier state college since that's all we could afford. i went part time for a very very long time to achieve the degrees i have now, including my masters just last year. all those years i worked full time, got married, then divorced, lived in various situations, etc, i still attended school. i did my art projects, readings, studying, etc at school, in the library, at home, at work, in my car, at the park, at youth groups, anywhere i could find the time. people used to laugh when i'd bring my textbooks to read during after church coffee get togethers, but since school was such a long haul for me, i didn't have a choice because dropping out of the real world, like full-time students can do, wasn't an option for me.

although it severely limited me in many ways, my long term tenure at university has been a great education all in and of itself. i've watched as the university administrations changed, policies changed, students changed, the way courses were taught and their technologies changed, how those changes affected where i got my info, how i studied, how i perceived my environment, etc. like a macro-view. i've now been using this store of experience to my benefit and am grateful, but at the same time i've been challenged.

stressful sunday

2005-11-07T12:57:00.000-05:00

ever look forward to a nice weekend after a shitty week at work and have it turn into a circus? if "yes" then you can relate with me.

saturday was great. very productive day. i volunteered at a craftfair for a charity fundraiser. we earned almost $900 selling snaks to craftfair browsers that will go to some good charities. then i had a productive "working" dinner w/a friend that turned into a great brainstorming session for some things i have in the works. i also got my car washed and cleaned [it was filthy], and did some food shopping too. got in and got to bed early. great day.

sunday i woke up in a positive mood--thinking saturday's good vibes would spill over in to sunday. instead i guess i paid for saturday with sunday's murky, argumentative, aggravating, and annoying events.

a sucky, shitty sunday. wasting time in petty arguments, miscommunications, and with hearts that need to develop more kindness.

now doesn't that make you feel better?

2005-11-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

ocean pulls me close, and whispers in my ear
the destiny I've chose, all becoming clear
the currents have their say, the time is drawing near
washes me away, makes me disappear

I descend from grace, in arms of undertow
I will take my place, in the great below

I can still feel you, even so far away

i loved NIN's concert last night at MSG! a great show! Mr. Reznor is such an intense person--that whole Taurus/Scorpio thing i guess. the show's themes included both sign's symbols. Taurus was representin' with lines like "empire of dirt", "bite the hand that feeds" [taurus 'rules' the mouth, throat, and jaw], and videos of nature--fields of wheat, grazing cows, a dairycow plaque in the supermarket yogurt section. Scorpio came in with lyrics like "i'd rather die than give you control", the nature video scened depicting baboons trapping and eating a swan, parasitic worms, and the rotting bodies on the Iraqi battefield. both parts of the Taurus/Scorpio polarity were well represented here, over a background of this pair's incredibly intense energies.

the "teeth" on his stageset--well, they were sorta abstract teeth, lined up in two rows, but they were pixelated and uneven. they reminded me of the building shards that stuck up in the 9-11 rubble photos. mixed meanings, mixed symbolism, it was excellent.

vivid colored lights were used to emphasize the intense emotionality of his songs. turquois blues, brilliant purples and yellows, flaming reds and orange. each song different. i don't have a set list, but NIN played thru the entire catalog, including the wretched, head like a hole, closer, march of the pigs, hand that feeds, terrible lie, and only. hurt and you know what you are? were really great. the music's force made everyone feel like one -- great show!

speaking of intense, the only video is beautifully done. the whole thing takes place on a desk with a cup of coffee, an apple powerbook, itunes, sliding bearings, and that little nail-press chotchkie everyone got for xmas. reznor sings thru the nails, a nice touch.

i'm becoming less defined as days go by
fading away and well you might say i'm losing focus
kind of drifting to the abstract in terms of how i see myself
sometimes i think i can see right through myself

less concerned about fitting into the world
you're world that is
'cause it doesn't really matter anymore
none of this…really matters anymore

1981

2005-11-02T20:49:00.000-05:00

Autour de moi - Je ne vois pas
Qui sont les anges - Surement pas moi - Encore une fois
Je suis cassée - Encore une fois - Je n'y crois pas

[All around me - I could not see
Who are the angels - Surely not me - Once more again
I am broken - Once more again - I don't believe it]

I've been so high, I've been so down
Up to the skies, Down to the ground

There is a light, Above my head
Into your eyes, My face remains

yesterday my friend showed me the new madonna video for "hung up". the video wasn't what i'd expected for this dance song. i probably need to view it a few more times to catch the details.

one thing that struck me is the time period madonna framed the video in. although i'm not as old as her, i'm not young either. i've lived thru a few decades--experiencing their fashions, cultures, and moods. so when i saw the composition of the hung up video, i noticed the retro-period details were reproduced flawlessly.

i'm guessing madonna's video portrays the year 1981. although some elements may hint at the late 70's, the boombox, breakdancing, and video arcade scene make me say 1981. there where no video arcades before 1981. 81-88 was the height of the video arcade era. pacman, defender, centipede, digdug, frogger, space invaders, asteriods--all the classic games arrived during that time. nintendo and atari home systems were really expensive, personal PCs capable of videogaming didn't exist, so videogame playing took place in arcades that also became places to socialize, and many included loud music piped in overhead. the music ranged from arena rock to disco and dance. except for sugarhill's song there was no rap or hip hop. in 1981 the town i grew up in had 3 arcades, with other videogames available at local diners and laundrymats. videogames were like the ipods of the early 1980s.

madonna's hairstyle is purely "70s leftover". straight and flat with a 'swooshy' curling iron flip on the long front bangs. although that style began in the late 70s, plenty of curling irons broke thru 1982 trying to get the swoosh-flip just right. then came the "big hair" of 1983+, made popular by trashy Jersey girls everywhere. that period also signified the rise of the popular mens style, the "mullet", usually worn with acid washed jeans or parachute pants. during this time the Gap sold Levis jeans, not classically styled oxfords and khakis. the "Gap" name was slang for "generation gap" which was a hot topic of conversation in the early 1970s when the "Gap" stores were founded by hippie-leftoveratures. no, i'm not old enough to have shopped in that version of the Gap. i just remember their tv commercials.

the boombox or "ghetto blaster" in the video is also pure early 1980s. Radios started getting big in the late 70s, but the height of oversized things like that in the video was early 80s--during the genesis of rap and hip hop. Ghettomeisters everywhere would congregate on streetcorners, pumping out dance music for breakdancing competitions. 1981 was right before the onset of the CD-ROM, which made boomboxes and cassette tapes obsolete.

madonna's dance outfit is the typical Jane Fonda workoutwear, as well as Saturday Night Fever [1977], Flashdance [1982], and Fame [1984] wannabees. 1980s was the polishing of the 70's disco dance era into movies and TV shows. the colorful tights and button-shirt overlay is right out of a Danskin dance apparell catalog circa 1981. The dance hall madonna dances in throughout the video is a reminder of Saturday Night Fever and Stayin' Alive movie scenes that took place in dance studios. other dancers of that era included Barishnokov and Gregory Heinz, who i think starred in some aweful 80s films together.

some of the dancing in the video is extaordinary--the flexibility and acrobatics some of the dancers display is incredible. i can't even come close to the pretzel twists that go on during the video. i can't even stand up straight most days.

i would love to know why madonna chose to imitate the early 1980s for this video. the song doesn't sound like its from that era, nor do the lyrics imply anything "1980ish". i do know madonna came to NYC in the very late 70s and studied dance with Alvin Aily, a famous dance instructor of that time. maybe she wanted to incorporate that mood into her new CD somehow. by the way, i think madonna's in better shape now than during the early 80s. she seems centered and more sure of herself.

i was able to catch her MTV special this weekend too. unlike other performers from the 1980s, madonna has grown with the times. she lives her spirituality and uses it to do positive things that not only benefit her, but also those who tour with her, and her fans. during the special she keeps mentioning God as "the light"--moving towards the light, etc. as a metaphor for spiritual journey. trying to share that the world--to spread positive, not negative energy. sure, she had her moments in the 90s when the spirituality was nowhere to be found, but it seems that by exploring darker things she found the "light". she's also put up with lots of idiotic criticism, even from Elton John, of all people, and people seem to think its ok to bash her, which i don't think is fair. maybe its because she's a successful woman. but you've got to give her credit for her constant innovative reinvention of herself, which has gotten her pretty far and led her to the more mature, centered, and spiritual space she's at now. i give her alot of credit and admire her tenacity and ability to ignore idiots.

she's also got my respect for telling Courtney Love to fuck off. madonna could smell bullshit like that miles away. not afraid to be herself, try new things, and make mistakes as well as successful endeavors. it takes alot to succeed, but more to fail, recover, and try again.

time goes by

2005-11-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

no this post isn't about madonna or her new song "hung up", that'll be a post later. but i agree wiht her that time goes by, but much faster than she implies. time goes by too quickly and i still can't get anything done! i feel so scattered lately but also adventurous. uranus in pisces is nudging me to just try anything new. experimentation can go two ways--you like the new thing and adopt it, throwing away the old thing; or find the new thing, when compared to the old one, can't compete, so you go back to the old thing with some appreciation for what you have. either way its fun.

on the astro chart this week's lineup is quite watery. jupiter entered scorpio last week for a year's stay, sun's in scorpio also, and now the moon is too. they all trine the uranus in pisces thing, so there's like a water grand trine now in the heavens. emotions flow like water--happy, sad, peppy, mad--everyone's feelings are on their sleeve. mars is in taurus, which opposes all the scorpio stuff, although it sextiles the uranus pisces thing. this opposition focuses on controlling behaviors, power struggles, hidden agendas, enemies, dark or underhanded dealings. death, regeneration, values, possessions, luxury [or lack of it], and resources.

what better way to enjoy all the scorpio, trine, and scorpio-taurus opposition energies than to attend a Nine Inch Nails concert? i'd mentioned before that Trent Reznor, a Taurus, expresses himself thru music and style that could only be described as full Scorpio energy. The blending of Reznor's taurean earthiness with his dark feelings makes his music intense. with all the current aspects this show should be great. i can't wait to go.

Astrological Allegory

2005-10-24T19:53:00.001-04:00

i thought this was a nice concise allegory of the 12 zodiac signs describing each one's spiritual essence.

this was original posted on this website.

From Martin Schulman: "The Moon's Nodes and Reincarnation" (p. 124-127)

And it was morning as God stood before his twelve children and into each of them planted the seed of human life. One by one each child stepped forward to receive his appointed gift.

To you Aries I give my seed first that you might have the honor of planting it. That for every seed you plant one million more will multiply in your hand. You will not have time to see the seed grow for everything you plant creates more that must be planted. You will be the first to penetrate the soil of men's minds with My Idea. But it is not your job to nourish the Idea nor to question it. Your life is action and the only action I ascribe to you is to begin making men aware of My Creation. For your good work I give you the virtue of Self Esteem.

To you Taurus I give the power to build the seed into substance. Your job is a great one requiring patience for you must finish all that has been started or the seeds will be wasted to the wind. You are not to question nor change your mind in the middle nor to depend on others for what I ask you to do. For this I give you the gift of Strength. Use it wisely.

To you Gemini I give the questions without answers so that you may bring to all an understanding of what man sees around him. You will never know why men speak or listen, but in your quest for the answer you will find my gift of Knowledge.

To you Cancer I ascribe the task of teaching men about emotion. My Idea is for you to cause them laughter and tears so that all they see and think develops fullness from inside. For this I give you the gift of Family, that your fullness may multiply.

To you Leo I give the job of displaying My Creation in all its brilliance to the world. But you must be careful of pride and always remember that it is My Creation, not yours. For if you forget this men will scorn you. There is much joy in the job I give to you if you but do it well. for this you are to have the gift of Honor.

To you Virgo I ask for an examination of all man has done with My Creation. You are to scrutinize his ways sharply and remind him of his errors so that through you My Creation may be perfected. For doing this I give you the gift of Purity of Thought.

To you Libra I give the mission of service, that man may be mindful of his duties to others. That he may learn cooperation as well as the ability to reflect the other side of his actions. I will put you everywhere there is discord, and for your efforts I will give you the gift of Love.

To you Scorpio I give a very difficult task. You will have the ability to know the minds of men, but I do not permit you to speak about what you learn. Many times you will be pained by what you see, and in your pain you will turn away from Me and forget that it is not I but the perversion of My Idea that is causing your pain. You will see so much of man that you will come to know him as animal and wrestle so much with his animal instincts in yourself that you will lose your way; but when you finally come back to Me, Scorpio, I have for you the supreme gift of Purpose.

Sagittarius, I ask you to make men laugh for amidst their misunderstanding of My Idea they become bitter. Through laughter you are to give man hope, and through hope turn his eyes back to Me. You will touch many lives if but only for a moment, and you will know the restlessness in every life you touch. To you Sagittarius I give the gift of Infinite Abundance, that you may spread wide enough to reach into every corner of darkness and bring it light.

Of you Capricorn, I ask the toil of your brow, that you might teach men to work. Your task is not an easy one for you will feel all of man's labors on your shoulders; but for the yoke of your burdens I put the responsibility of man in your hands.

To you Aquarius I give the concept of future that man might see other possibilities. You will have the pain of loneliness for I do not allow you to personalize My Love. but for turning man's eyes to new possibilities I give you the gift of Freedom, that in your liberty you may continue to serve mankind whenever he needs you.

To you Pisces I give the most difficult task of all. I ask you to collect all of man's sorrow and return it to me. Your tears are to be ultimately My tears. The sorrow you will absorb is the effect of man's misunderstanding My Idea, but you are to give him compassion that he may try again. For this the most difficult task of all I give the greatest gift of all. You will be the only one of My twelve children to understand Me. But this gift of understanding is for you, Pisces, for when you try to spread it to man he will not listen.

Then God said, "You each have a part of My Idea. You must not mistake that part for all of My Idea, nor may you desire to trade parts with each other for each of you is perfect, but you will not know that until all twelve of you are ONE. For then the whole of My Idea will be revealed to each of you."

And the children left, each determined to do his job best that he might receive his gift. But none fully understood his task or his gift, and when they returned, puzzled, God said " you each believe that the other gifts are better. Therefore I will allow you to trade." And for the moment each child was elated as he considered all the possibilities of his new mission.

But God smiled as he said " You will return to Me many times asking to be relieved of your mission, and each time I will grant you your wish. You will go through countless incarnations before you complete the original mission I have prescribed for you. I give you countless time in which to do it, but only when it is done can you be with Me."

Martin Schulman: "The Moon's Nodes and Reincarnation" (p. 124-127)

Astrological Humor

2005-10-24T19:53:00.000-04:00

After sex
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

How many to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.
CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.
LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.
VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.
LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?
SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--
PISCES: What light bulb?

and one more thing

2005-10-19T19:22:00.000-04:00

the other thing i guess is that i just don't feel very organized right now. between interruptions, other people's stuff, daily plans getting rearranged everyday, and unexpected events, i've just not been very good lately at starting, continuing, and finishing anything. i usually am, but right now i feel very distracted by both my mind and environment. don't know when this will pass.

discontinuities

2005-10-19T18:59:00.000-04:00

i've been busy. not just busy with stuff, but busy in my mind. lots of thinking the past 3 wks. what am i thinking about? well, everything really. i'm thinking of starting another blog aimed more towards an audience for certain interests i have, including anthropology, culture, marketing, branding, new media visuals and content providing, and blahblahblah. i'm not doing it just yet, but in the meantime i've found some quite interesting blogs with information on a similar page. here's some links:

this blog sits at the intersection of anthropology and economics
it's funny, but when i graduated with my anthro masters last year someone asked me what i'd learned for all my efforts. my response was "its all about the money" meaning that most cultural studies trace back to the monetary initiatives of the culture being studied, no matter what culture that happens to be. want to know about a culture? study their concept of money, and where it falls within their value system. its also kinda funny that i'd suggested to my advisor that it might be good if i took a beginner's economic course--and being the Boomer, irrelevant, tenured [completely out of touch] guy that he is, he ignored me. instead he made me take a math theory course that was a total waste. this blog is by some anthropologist who, like me, sees modern culture thru its commerce. a hybrid of anthropology and marketing. wordy [most anthros are], but interesting. his site has interesting links, some of which are below.

AdRants
nice social commentary like blog about ad culture.

decent marketing
the title says it all.

read between the Ps
indian blogger and his country's marketing. good intro to 21st century global economies.

the hidden persuader
unique marketing of interest.

marketing vox
blog concerning the new online marketing. today's linked to an article about how regular TV execs are sweating the new video iPod. if people can buy the shows [sans commercials], where will advertiser's "presence" go? hmmm...

lyrics for a weekday september evening

2005-09-29T21:49:00.000-04:00

*Blandest* -Nirvana

You're my favorite
Of my saviours
You're my favorite
Oh no

Yes you're my favorite
Of my favors
You're my razor
Oh no

Hey!
And the situation wasn't quite
As intense as I thought
I need you around
To remind me what not to become
And the situation wasn't quite
As intense as I thought
I need you around
To remind me when not to be calm
Calm, calm, calm

saturn in leo and the "fixed" signs

2005-09-26T19:06:00.000-04:00

this weekend i went to see the movie "Lord of War" starring Nicolas Cage. serious movie, very intelligent. i highly recommend it.

when the movie began the opening production company credits included saturn pictures which i guess helped produce this film.

i'd never seen this production company before. i guess its a sign of the times, now that saturn is in leo for 2 yrs. leo rules all sorts of thespian endeavors, actors of stage, tv, and screen are all covered until leo's rulership. although california is a virgo, hollywood, according to most astrologers, is definitely all leo, much to virgo california's chagrin.

the acting ability of those endowed with leo energy is legendary. people with lots of leo energy are dramatic in their communication style, and like movie stars, expect the floodlights always to be pointed at them, no matter what environment--family, career, friends, etc.

leo is all about chisling the individual out from the crowd. focusing on EGO, leo energy enhances our experiences with developing our own self-love, self-esteem, and selfishness. it is a necessary energy that everyone experiences at some time during their teens--you feel invincible, like your shit don't stink, that you're just better than everyone else, and deserve the "lion's share" of compliments, attention, and stroking from others. you "deserve" more, not because you've earned it, but because you really believe you're just better.

this feeling of entitlement is sometimes pronounced in actors and musicians. madonna is a good example of sun in leo energy. her belief in herself gave her the courage to focus on stardom, seeing only her good parts, she was able to overcome rampant criticism of her art to become an iconic pop music star. however, like all leos, madonna's sometimes overinflated ego also convinced her that she was academy-award material, as she went on to star in many films that were completely trashed by critics. still, leo energy is necessary, just like the energies of all 12 signs--used wisely and in moderation, it can get you far. pushed too far and foolishness or disaster can manifest.

like the teenager it represents, leo energy likes to have FUN! anything involving entertainment that results in fun is leo territory. fun, good times, 'dancing in the streets' parties--all leo. david lee roth, another famous sun in leo singer embodies this sort of "party" attitude--roth doesn't sing songs that make you want to cry--with him, its all about having a good time.

and that's why the saturn in leo transit is interesting. saturn is all about squashing fun. duty, drudgery, routine--saturn is conservative, old school. saturn is father time, and the restrictions that the dimension of time places on people, their relationships, and environment. saturn is a wet blanket for sure.

but saturn isn't just about misery, per say, its about learning the lessons necessary for improvement and survival. saturn is the professor you hated in high school or college--the one who gave extra homework, too many exams, never smiled, and wore the same gray suit everyday for the whole semester. you hated him, but admit years later that you learned more from that class than all the others combined--the challenges provided ended up benefitting you whether you wanted it or not. saturn places the steel bar in backbones, provides the naked truth in all its ugliness.

when saturn and leo combine, and helped along by another aspect, like uranus in pisces, you get the week of CNN's Katrina coverage we just had--all the misery, suffering, and ugliness [saturn] broadcast in dramatic fashion [leo] for all the world to see, courtesy of a failure of technology [uranus] and erosion of boundaries which caused the intense flooding [pisces]. the powerful images on CNN, FOX, MSNBC, etc caused dramatic reaction from the public.

and now where are we? we're learning heavy lessons about our security, disaster response, social inequities, racism--and if we really do learn these lessons, we'll all be better off for it in the end.

another aspect of leo is that it's a 'fixed' sign. one of 4 in the zodiac. taurus, scorpio, and aquarius along with leo make up the 'fixed organizer' square. fixed-organization is one of three modalities in the zodiac, the other two being cardinal-leaders and mutable-communicators. modality is the form an energy takes--does it take charge like a cardinal aries? disseminate ideas like a mutable pisces? or consistently perservere like a taurus? each of the fixed signs applies the energy differently--taurus for mundane things, scorpio for fermenting emotions and desires, aquarius for consistently pushing the future, and leo for bold consistent inspiration.

fixed energy is also referred to as "coiled" energy. like a loaded spring, fixed energy remains dormant most of the time. when called upon, its concentrated energy is released. the energy is not sustainable for long periods, and the spring must be reloaded to act again. fixed energy spends alot of its time just "being" itself. fixed energy is potent, but slow. it needs "buildup time" and never acts or reacts impulsively. every quality has two sides. those with fixed energy in their charts can be perservering--seeing things thru that others give up on. but this same quality can also become incredible stubbornness and avoidance of change. people with fixed energy can become stuck in a rut of their making. it may be a comfortable rut, but it stops the person from changing themselves for the better.

fixed energy is also related to a person's will. taurus, scorpio, leo and aquarius energy all contains tremendous will, and "won't" power. again, some things need tremendous will [or won't] power to be accomplished, but a tremendous will [or won't] power can also prevent these natives from doing things that are actually good for them. no one can make these sorts do anything they don't want to do. they cannot be coerced, charmed, pushed, if they do take action, it has to be because they will it to be so.

saturn causes actions to take place. it is an 'irrisistable force' sort of, and pushes and pushes or corners or pulls whatever it is attached to thru a series of uncomfortable circumstances all in the name of learning lessons and producing necessary changes.

the fixed sign dilemma is knowing when to "hold 'em" and when to "fold 'em". when to become flexible and invite change [as scary as it can be], and when to hold fast and dig heels in to wait it out. fixed types who refuse to acknowledge this and use it to their betterment are in for some poisonous karma. fixed sign experiences can produce the worst and most long lasting bad karma, of all the modalities and signs. so if you have much energy in one of the four [taurus, scorpio, leo, aquarius] you should choose to use your stubborn streak wisely.

although leo is the main focus of saturn's transit, the other three fixed signs will be called to take part as well. all four fixed signs will be challenged, pushed, pulled along for the next 2 yrs, and with all that fixed energy, saturn certainly has its work cut out for it. watch for many leo-ish dramatic stuff to play out in the public spector over the next two years.

i wonder what film that saturn production company will produce next.

are we not men?

2005-09-15T20:14:00.000-04:00

itunes music store is great. one of the best things is that you can find obscure stuff you thought you'd never hear again. recently while browsing i ran across itune's partial DEVO catalog. yes, DEVO. one of my favorite bands. most only know them for their one "hit" -- 'Whip It' --which came late in their career. DEVO wrote plenty of other great songs, along with alot of crap. once you sift thru the silly crap [like Speed Racer], listeners discover that DEVO was sarcastic, ironic, and very cerebral, in an mutant sort of way. the perfect answer to Reaganomics and the Moral Majority [remember them?]. judging by the daily press, its like 1980-88 all over again. God help us.

in tribute to the current stifling moronic conservative political atmosphere, here are some of my favorite DEVO lyrics ~

JOCKO HOMO
They tell us that
We lost our tails
Evolving up
From little snails
I say it’s all
Just wind in sails
Are we not men?
We are DEVO!
We’re pinheads now
We are not whole
We’re pinheads all
Jocko homo
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O
Monkey men all
In business suit
Teachers and critics
All dance the poot
Are we not men?
We are devo!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O
God made man
But he used the monkey to do it
Apes in the plan
We’re all here to prove it
I can walk like an ape
Talk like an ape
I can do what a monkey can do
God made man
But a monkey supplied the glue
We must repeat
O.k. let’s go!

FREEDOM OF CHOICE
a victim of collision on the open sea
nobody ever said that life was free
sank, swam, go down with the ship
but use your freedom of choice
i'll say it again in the land of the free
use your freedom of choice
your freedom of choice
in ancient rome there was a poem
about a dog who found two bones
he picked at one
he licked the other
he went in circles
he dropped dead
freedom of choice
is what you got
freedom of choice!
then if you got it you don't want it
seems to be the rule of thumb
don't be tricked by what you see
you got two ways to go
i'll say it again in the land of the free
use your freedom of choice
freedom of choice
freedom of choice
is what you got
freedom of choice!
in ancient rome
there was a poem
about a dog
who found two bones
he picked at one
he licked the other
he went in circles
he dropped dead
freedom of choice
is what you got
freedom from choice
is what you want
(repeat)

BEAUTIFUL WORLD
it's a beautiful world we live in
a sweet romantic place
beautiful people everywhere
the way they show they care
makes me want to say
it's a beautiful world
for you
it's a wonderful time to be here
it's nice to be alive
wonderful people everywhere
the way they comb their hair
makes me want to say
it's a wonderful place
for you
hey
tell me what i say
boy 'n' girl with the new clothes on
you can shake it to me all night long
hey hey
it's not for me

LOVE WITHOUT ANGER
love without anger
he picked up the phone and took the call
a long distance voice just started to bawl
i don't care if you feel small
love without anger isn't love at all
why can't you have your cake and eat it too
why believe in things that make it tough on you
why scream and cry when you know it's through
why fall in love when there's better things to do
barbie and ken in a great big fight
seems ken forgot to make it home one night
you know what you are seeing simply can't be right
looks like love's bark is worse than its bite
he was young and in love
so he just couldn't see
and it compelled him to ask
are you kidding me?
you must be kidding me!
love without teardrops isn't the same
he asked to be counted out of her game
she thought it him who was so insane
love is what it does by any other name

ENOUGH SAID
none of you would help me when i baked by bread
now all of you would help me eat it
i can see that you are very well fed
this indicates that you don't need it
enough said
stop and let me tell you what tomorrow holds for you
stop and let me tell you 'bout a plan i have for you
take all the leaders from around the world
put them together in a great big ring
televise it as the lowest show on earth
and let them fight like hell to see who's king
gather up the pieces when the fight is done
then you'll find out living really can be fun
you wanted a world you could figure out
but something happened while you were asleep
you wanted a good life you could brag about
too bad they took the parts you wanted to keep

DEVO HAS FEELINGS TOO
young hunks
cyberpunks
and sweet things
trying hard to change your luck
baby thugs
bad spuds
and mean things
living for today or maybe even yesterday
look around
shakey ground
do the right thing
in this world you're just a guest
do it now
time's run out for the pig thing
living for today stealing from tomorrow
law and order puppets remote-controlled by greed
and tv preacher robots won't give you what you need
use your head
sidestep the traps
snake through the chaos with a smooth noodle map
besides the king's been dead
they blew off his head in '63
big bucks
energy sucks
and dumb things
make it hard to live and breathe
add it up
no matter what
there's one thing
living for today there's maybe no tomorrow
subhuman bloodless leaders fed on lies and fear
and tv anchor news teams trim all we see and hear
use your head
sidestep the traps
snake through the chaos with a smooth noodle map
besides god isn't dead
he's in your head
right where he ought to be

living

2005-09-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff announced Friday that Michael Brown director of FEMA, is being taken off the hurrican katrina disaster. wow such decisive action. only a few months too late.

9/11 will be here again this sunday, and now we have a new disaster to sink into national depression over. but this time its different since we only have ourselves to blame. no infidels, darth vaders, or nationalistic ratfink terrorists to point the finger at, for "W" to get his white hat out of the closet for...no we as a nation are to blame for this one.

and there's no worse criticism than self criticism.

of course if you were stupid enough to re-elect "W" then you should be feeling worse than those of us who already knew what all those reporters in new orleans were saying last week: The Emperor Has No Clothes.

astonishing as it may be, our president is the same guy who was on the guard for 9/11/2001, the biggest terror attack on US soil EVER. now here it is 4 yrs later, and who does he have manning FEMA and Homeland Security? two apprentice lawyers with absolutely NO disaster recovery experience. brilliant leadership on "W"s part. really.

although this was a natural disaster, what if it was something more sinister, like a chemical or radiation attack from taliban extremists? purposeful destruction is just as effective as Mother Nature. what would those two inexperienced clowns have done? as it is now new orleans resembles the wreckage from a war, and the innocent victims suffered terribly. sort of like…hmmm…iraq!

it took a talented rap artist to say what everyone had been thinking all week, live on national tv.

"I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family, it says they're looting. See a white family, it says they're looking for food."

"…and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us."

"America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off as slow as possible."
and
"George Bush doesn't care about black people."

Yup. the naked truth.

well, actually "W" did care about black people when he was governor of Texas, he put them to death in record numbers, even when there were questions of innocence, using capital punishment. but other than that, i agree with west. "W" and all his pals couldn't give a shit about anyone, including black people, but themselves.

to make things more Orwellian, NBC censoredthe clip before its west coast broadcast. but kanye west prevailed, thanks to the web. people can now see that this administration's talk of "national security" is a big fucking lie. its all about the money. last week, bush, cheney, and all their greedy friends cleaned up at the pump. maybe the parasites running washington aren't dumb or incompetent, just fucking greedy.

last week was a cosmic home run of sorts, since it:

uncovered the very ugly reality of the very large, very poor american population, exposed for all the world to see.
reminded us that racism is alive and well in the USA, and it festers in the highest offices of government.
reiterated this stark fact about the current corrupt administration: The Emperor Has No Clothes.

quite a week.

love one another

2005-09-02T01:05:00.000-04:00

a quote from an MSNBC article on current conditions in New Orleans:

"An old man lay dead on a chaise longue as hungry babies wailed around him. Around the corner, an elderly woman lay dead in her wheelchair, covered with a blanket. Another body lay beside her wrapped in a sheet.

“I don’t treat my dog like that,” 47-year-old Daniel Edwards said as he pointed at the woman in the wheelchair. “I buried my dog.” He added: “You can do everything for other countries, but you can’t do nothing for your own people. You can go overseas with the military, but you can’t get them down here.”

The street outside the center, above the floodwaters, smelled of urine and feces and was choked with dirty diapers, old bottles and garbage."

where is the help? we're the greatest country in the world, we travel the globe helping other country's disasters, but why are we so slow to aid the desperate and suffering citizens of New Orleans?

president george w. bush says he's a Christian. well Jesus Christ himself said that his followers can be identified by the following:

"They will know you by your love for one another."

i haven't yet found a way to rectify this with GWB's assertion that he is a Christian. GWB's actions speak louder than his hollow words. its been 5 days since hurricane katrina laid waste to the gulf states. CNN and other news stations tell the tale in images of the horrible suffering and misery taking place. it is heartbreaking. and unbelievable that there is no national guard, no navy, no action taking place fast enough to save the desperate refugees filling up the TV screen.

i live near NYC and 9/11 was an up-close, very personal tragedy for me. i smelled the acrid smoke filled with the stench of the dead burnt victims on that horrible day. a tragedy now eclipsed by the natural disaster unfolding in the south. yet the day after 9/11, the government mobilized and order was restored quickly. national guards at every corner and train station. police everywhere.

but then again, most of 9/11's victims where white middle/upperclass. this new horror's victims are mostly minorities and the poor. is GWB dragging his feet, as well as the rest of the federal government, because of that fact? personally i think it has something to do with the paucity of immediate response, the lack of instant action to help the suffering victims of katrina.

i'm not the only one to think so. to me, this is enormously disturbing.

i don't know what idiotic, myopic Christianity GWB and his greedy oil-baron pals believe in. but its not the real deal. Jesus didn't differentiate one from another. He loved all the same, and told us to do as He did. He said "love one another."

Christian love is giving to others those things that you would want them to give you if you were in their situation -- and it's doing so even if they can't pay you back. In fact, it's doing so especially if they can't pay you back! Christian love is respect for others. It's mercy. It's charity.

i encourage you to show your love, compassion, and mercy for the suffering refugees of this great national tragedy. take 2 minutes right now and go donate -- $10, $20, $100 ~ whatever you can afford. but do it now. i did. then follow it up with a prayer to God that he help the refugees, and that God opens the barbed-wire, greedy hearts of the tyrants who are currently holding this greate nation hostage to their selfish and destructive agenda.

late august blehs

2005-08-23T20:41:00.000-04:00

ah…the Late August Blehs. hot, humid, thunderstorms, traffic, dead skunk smells, sweat. i hate this time of year. its like summer's over ripe and ready to rot.

haven't posted pictures or much else lately 'cause i got the LABs. however, this past weekend i decided to treat myself nice for a change and spent the past few days doing just that.

i went to two movies over the weekend, Duece Bigalow: European Gigalow, and The 40 Year Old Virgin. both films are very funny. Bigelow's chuckles come from that low end humor area--lots of it here, but Schneider is great, and his character, at heart, is a sweetie. The Virgin movie was just as funny, but sans most toilet jokes. its not mean-spirited and the title character is not as nerdy as you'd think, his ideals on sex and love are surprisingly pure. this movie's ending is over the top, unexpected, and just fucking funny.

yesterday i left work early and met my friend in Chinatown NYC for dinner. had some trouble with the bus and subway--ended up getting off the backed up bus at the javits center instead of port authority, then found myself on a "V" train that was rerouted to the "C' train tracks and had a mini NYC subway odyssey trying to get to Canal Street.

we went to our favorite restaurant there, Hep Kee--its underground, but has the BEST food--makes the usual chinese take out look like shit. i had chinese broccoli in oyster sauce, she had singapore angelhair curried lo mein, and we split some mussels in black bean pepper sauce. delicious. then we got some bubble tea for dessert. i love the tapioca balls.

we walked around Chinatown and Tribeca then took the Path out. very nice evening, and a nice delayed ending to a restful and peaceful weekend [for once]. of course today things are back to the Late August Blehs, but at least i had a good weekend.

mystic, confessor, stigmatic

2005-08-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

although i'm not much for saints, padre pio is an exception. i was skeptical of him until reading some of his letters. truly this guy was a holy man. for 50 years he suffered the five wounds of the crucifixion, known as "stigmata". he suffered physically every day, and he also suffered in his spiritual life as well. thru his writings it becomes clear that during his endurance of stigmata, he also experienced the time Christ spent on the cross, feeling separated from God—a feeling quite difficult to put into words.

in octobe 2001 i went with a church group to visit the padre pio shrine in pennsylvania, where there is a class #1 relic of the padre—one of the fingerless gloves he wore to cover the hole in his hand. as skeptical as i am, that day i had a quite mystical experience when i was allowed to touch this relic. something i can't really put into words. but it was powerful.

after this i decided to read some of what padre pio preached and was amazed—not only at his stigmata and suffering, but of the power of his words. i was amazed that despite his long suffering, he never waivered in his devotion to Jesus. his faith was never shaken no matter what happened.

many of the monks in his convent were jealous of him, and caused him constant problems of one sort or another. many of the monks thought that padre pio was unworthy of the stigmata, thinking that they instead should have it, since they thought they were 'holier'. they would get him into trouble, lie behind his back, have the director punish him for things he hadn't done. but in the end, pio never fought back, he accepted all the ill will his enemies gave him and prayed to God to forgive them. in other words, padre pio tried to live as Jesus asked us to, which is a very difficult thing to do.

i've been reading this book "Padre Pio's Words of Hope" Edited by Eileen Dunn Bertanzetti [(c) 1999 by Our Sunday Visitor Publishing, ISBN 0-87973-694-1]. its a collection of letters pio wrote back to people in answer to their questions. here is a quote:

Paradise

Luke 23:42-4: "Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.' He replied, 'Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise.' "

But sometimes in my struggles I wonder if I'll ever get to paradise.

Padre Pio's assurance: "How many tears and groans I send up to heaven in order to be set free [from my struggles]. But no matter, I will never tire of praying to Jesus. It is true that my prayers deserve punishment rather than reward, for I have offended Jesus only too often by my innumerable sins; but in the end he will be moved by pity for me and with either take me out of the world and call me to himself, or else he will set me free."

"Again at night when I close my eyes, the veil is lifted and I see paradise open up before me; and gladdened by this vision, I sleep with a smile of sweet beatitude on my lips and perfectly tranquil countenance, waiting for the little companion [guardian angel] of my childhood to come to waken me, so that we may sing together the morning praises to the beloved of our hearts."

Lord, thank you for the promise of paradise for those who believe in you. If left to myself and my struggles, I would never reach heaven. But "for God all things are possible." Amen.

its a great book, each topic is only one page. topics range from "Burdens", "Love", "Courage" to "Cross", "Rejected by God", and "Sin". padre pio's words are like those of the middle age mystics, such as "The Imitation of Christ", shunning the feel-good pseudo-religions of today. his words address a variety of topics from small to very troubling, and always with love. its almost as he is writing letters to the reader.

obviously he's a catholic, but don't be turned off by a few letters about Mary etc., this book is filled with spiritual nourishment that any Christian can use. by reading this and other of pio's writings i am just amazed that such a holy man managed to be born in the horrible 20th century that just passed, that God would provide, even in these times, someone with the integrity, humility, and faith of padre pio. if you're spiritually inclined and searching for something different, look him up. you might be surprised.

the false republican job market

2005-08-12T18:16:00.000-04:00

abcnews.com has online forums for readers. sometimes i participate, other times i just read. today i was reading a threat for a topic called "Where Are The USA Careers?". one post in particular, from someone named "gtbdave" summed it up perfectly:

Republicans like to blame Unions and Social programs for the dismal job market, but what correlates with the development of a dismal job market is globalization, rotten trade deals, and the Feds policies of raising interest rates when job growth develops plus the Feds policy of raising interest rates when GDP growth exceeds 3% or so. It is in the republican parties interest to have a labor surplus in order to manipulate the labor market to provide for a continuous supply of cheap labor, and to reduce any pressure for higher wages and salaries. They are in favor of flooding the labor market with immigrants, legal and illegal, to accomplish this. A local news item (OKC) suggested two areas for non-college grads, that was cooking school and auto mechanic, cooking school grads are likely working at MacDonalds and mechanic grads are likely at Walmart, changing oil. College grads still have the service fields for jobs the other 75%, who are not college grads, have slim pickings indeed. The only solution I see is that if you work for a wage or salary, make it an issue next time you vote and vote for a democrat.

thanks gtbdave! i couldn't have explained it better myself.

what a coincidence the last huge recession/shitty job market was 1990-1993, when GWBush's pinhead dad was in office. remember that recession? just as shitty as this one, but with more media coverage. so what's changed? —could it be that we hear less about the current crappy job situation because now ALL the media outlets are owned by huge conglomerates run by republican pals of this right-wing, narrowminded, power-hungry administration? hmmm...

and what about oil prices? do you feel pinched at the pump?....did you vote republican? if "Yes", then you shouldn't be surprised—W and Dick are both oil industry friends, with their interests and wallets lined up straight away with the greedy, self-absorbed oil industry. their making more money than ever!!! and chortling all the way to the bank about the stupid, braindead middle class morons who voted them into office. think about that the next time you're staring at your faded Bush/Cheney bumper sticker while filling up for $3 a gallon you fucking Republican moron.

if you didn't vote for Bush and Dick you probably get that dazed feeling as we all watch these maggots suck the very lifeblood from this great country to fulfill their destructive agendas, while waiving american flags over the victims of their selfishness. i just hope that some of the lugheads who fell for this administration's sucker punches will wise up before 2008. so if you're one of them and make less than 100K, please...be honest with yourself: do you really think things are getting better? has your quality of life improved? or has it worsened?

toenail saga, part 4

2005-08-05T18:39:00.000-04:00

i've been applying the vicks every night for the past three weeks. up until last week the nail was still thick and discolored. then over this past weekend i noticed i could see my pink nailbed thru the infected nail, and the thick flaky stuff was gone and my nail's thickness was back to normal. just as the message boards had said, the vapor rub did the trick. i'm cured!

i've decided to keep up my efforts into September for good measure. no other toenails were affected, and i still have my healthy liver, and senses of taste and smell.

the moral of this little story is: those pharmaceutical consumer ads with the cute CGI thingies are misleading. before taking any medication, don't trust your MD will warn you--no, most of them don't care the least. instead, get online and research it yourself. you'll be much happier you did.

toenail saga, part 3

2005-08-05T18:25:00.000-04:00

thru reading i discovered that beyond the home remedy ingredients, there were two traits needed to self cure the toe fungus: cleanliness and consistency. the toenail had to be washed 2X a day. all medicine or remedies also had to be applied 2Xs a day, every day. no missing a day because the fungus could spread to newly healthy parts of the toenail.

so i started out with OTC antifungal liquid, Rite Aid brand, toothbrush, and bandaids. i scrubbed the nail w/the toothbrush in the morning and night, painted on the antifungal liquid, and wrapped the toe in a bandaid. i did this for a month with almost no improvement. so i went back online to google more remedies and along the way did a search for lamasil side effects and was completely shocked at what i found. not only could the lamasil pills cause irreversible liver damage, even to a healthy liver, but it also removed the senses of taste and smell--and many times these senses wouldn't return when the lamisil pill was stopped. the liver damage thing was scary too--because sometimes it took 6 mths after the pill is stopped for the liver damage to really manifest, and then its too late. A few people have died from using lamasil tablets. that did it for me. no lamisil tablets for fear of the nasty irreversible side effects that the MDs don't tell you about.

the next day i got a message from my doctor that the fungus test was positive and i should come in for my prescription. yeah right. i called and said i was "exploring alternate solutions" to my problem and would get back to them.

one health-topic message board i went to was moderated by an MD. everytime someone mentioned various home remedies for toenail fungus, the MD would butt in and reiterate that home remedies NEVER WORK. he even ridiculed some of them, yet people would respond back to him telling him that they got nothing to lose, and no money or health insurance, so they were going to try it anyway.

i added antifungal foot powder, and AM vinegar soaks at the beginning of July. by July 12th the toe started to slightly look better. i went back to the drugstore and got more home remedies, a nail file to file down the thick ugly nail and--the biggie, the one i was skeptical of: Vicks Vapor Rub.

digger the dermaphadyte, part 2

2005-08-05T18:14:00.000-04:00

two days before my friend's wedding i went to the doctor to get a toe diagnosis, wanting to make sure my nail wasn't infected with something more serious than fungus. i'd also been duped by the cute Lamasil TV ads--the ones with "digger the dermaphadyte" who digs under toenails and gets flustered when a giant lamasil pill rolls into the nail bed. all i know is i wanted the gross yellow infected nail fungus off my toe.

the doctor visually confirmed that my toe probably had the fungus. i asked what i can do about it. the doctor mentioned the lamasil pill and a medicinal "shellack" called penlac, which i'd have to apply for a YEAR. i opted for the pill, expecting a prescription. instead the doctor told me that my health insurance would need a confirming fungus culture to have lamasil prescribed, and then also a liver blood test would need to be performed. the culture would take 30-60 days and i'd have to wait. i got frustrated--all this over a toe fungus infection?

i opted for the culture, and helped the MD snip off some of the gross flaky yellow toenail. then i took the liver blood test, and the med tech screwed up and left me with a large black bruise on my left arm, which i had to conceal with bandaids at the wedding.

before left i asked the doctor if there was anything else i could do while waiting the 30-60 days for the results. i didn't want the infection to spread, and supposedly it spreads easily. the doctor had no suggestions--like more a 'who cares?' attitude. i didn't like it.

so i went home and went online to see what others do in such a situation...and what do they do? the self administer home remedies of course. everything from OTC fungus liquids, vinegar soaks, tea tree oil, to stronger things such as bleach and Vicks Vapor Rub [i'm not kidding].

on june 3rd i declared war on my toe's disgusting fungus.

digger the dermaphadyte

2005-08-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

in may i contracted a [ew!] toenail infection on the toe next to my big toe on my left foot. ewww. right before my friend's wedding and the open-toed ugly overpriced shoes i had to wear. the toenail was yellow, very very thick and very scaly. disgusting. i googled it and found it can be caught by going barefoot in gym locker rooms, and recently i'd been showering at my gym at least once a week and walked barefoot on the gross tile floor. so this was my fault. still, i had no idea what to do about it and was panicked over it spreading to my other toenails and foot.

astrologically, pisces "rules" the feet--two fish, two feet--eventhough, ironically, fish have no feet!. but anyway, most sun sign pisces always have something good or bad going on with their feet. a few years ago i had a ganglion cyst on the top of my right foot and had it drained. disgusting. then i had a corn that hurt like hell on my right foot below the pinky toe that i finally dug out myself with a pair of scissors. eiiiww! then i got an awwwesome case of athlete's foot a couple summers ago, that caused the bottom of my feet to resemble red raisins and itched like hell. after curing that i started "powdering" my feet and washing them a few times a day.

i'm also a stickler about shoes. although i'm a cheap ass where most apparel is concerned [last weekend i bought 2 teeshirts for $1 at RiteAid], i can't handle cheap shoes or socks. i've spent upwards of $150 for decent sneakers and boots, plus only nike socks [they're the best] to keep my feet happy. feet are often totally ignored until there's a problem. and when feet have a problem, your whole body sort of has a problem sometimes.

if you know a pisces, ask them about their feet! i'm certain they'll have some oddball story to tell.

2005-07-29T13:00:00.000-04:00

Daily Manna from the 'Net - Friday, July 29, 2005

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair-every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.
Proverbs 2:9-15 TNIV Bible

i subscribe to a daily bible verse from the International Bible Society. this was today's entry, which i find quite appropriate. i feel that God is placing some wisdom in my heart at this time in answer to my prayers. you can subscribe to their daily verse emails here.

pizza smileys

2005-07-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

i like this smiley gif too:

my friend's new shirt!

2005-07-26T21:08:00.000-04:00

i really like my friend's new fun shirt, especially the uneven stripes and the yellow color, which matches perfectly with smiley faces.

obviously i am in a silly mood this evening. it must be mercury retrograde :)

aren't these little annoying smiley faces great?

unrelated things

2005-07-21T17:41:00.000-04:00

cosmic weather

this month's cosmic weather features numerous unsettling events. first up was saturn's transition from cancer to leo last saturday [7/16]. this 2.5 yr stay will certainly be noticed by everyone, just like a Leo wants it to be. lots of tears, drama, the works.

tonight's cosmic menu features july's 2nd FULL MOON! or what our ancestors used to call a "blue moon". there's nothing blue about this moon, full on in capricorn and totally opposing the sun in cancer. full moons reveal the sun sign's "shadow" or opposite. tonight is no exception. best bet is to stay calm and stay clear of anyone who could push your buttons, because emotions are 'on tap' tonight, courtesy of the sun in watery, thin-skinned cancer. capricorns hate waterlogged emotional displays, so put a lid on it.

the last july feature is mercury turning RETROGRADE in Leo on 7/22. the shadow period for this mercury retrograde began last saturday, 7/16, meaning that communications, travel, technology began their descent to chaos last week and this effect will peek over the next 3 wks until 8/15, when mercury goes direct. extra weight is on this retrograde with saturn newly minted in Leo too. look for infantile behavior, miscommunication with children and teenagers, and a general air of fun with a price during this time. also, if you can help it, don't sign anything, or purchase any big ticket items now [like a house or car]. it will break down endlessly. if you don't believe me, try it and get back to me later. if buying a car, make sure a friend owns a reliable foreign one who can drive you to pick up your ride at the auto repair shop.

my moods: i feel like a tempest in a snapple bottle. my insides are turbid now at best, and sometimes i feel like there's a macy's fireworks display going off in my head. i'm being bombarded by uranus in pisces, and right now the 'force' is very strong, whipping me up like the ocean during a hurricane. not the best combo with all the cosmic weather we're having lately. i've been trying to keep my lid on tight and just wait it out, but its hard. large quantities of water [emotions] exert lots of internal pressure. blek.

the lighter side

finally, my interest in firetrucks have been piqued. a coworker is also a volunteer fireman, and they operate a "pumper". the one he runs is a very modern truck with lots of automation, very sleek. well, last weekend i noticed a sad rusty old firetruck parked next to the supermarket i was going to, and i decided to take some photos with my phone. here they are:

i think the truck is from the 1950's. it was just sitting there.

it was very large, very tall, and not in great condition.

its pumper controls were all manual.

even though the truck was in a state of decay, it had its two hoses neatly folded in its bed, which i thought was strange. the hoses looked like they were decaying.

the cabin was 1950s-60s style, with lots of chrome. it was also a stickshift. could you imagine driving something as husky as this with a clutch? unbelievable.

well, that wraps things for now during this turbulent month. have a nice day :)

well today....

2005-07-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

what an exhausting 6 wks! from my friend's wedding, to my severely dysfunctional family and their knife-in-the-back guilt-laden heavy-handed behaviors, to my crappy car and its endless problems, to purchasing a new used car, to work problems, friendship problems, cat problems, toe fungus issues, and blah blah blah…i'm fucking tired. i'm exhausted—physically, mentally. emotionally, and spiritually. i feel like i've had the crap beaten out of me. bleh.

this time of year is never kind for me, every year there's some bullshit that winds its way from about May thru October. every year i keep hoping the pattern will change, but it doesn't, just new issues every year. last year i'd just graduated w/my BA and MA, then my employer had a family crisis and one of the members turned into a shrieking freak for 3 months, then my car broke, then i got strep in my ear [painful and nasty], 5 rounds of antibiotics, then an ear tube, then i thought i'd damaged my hearing and went into a deep depression for months. then my car broke again, on and off, for the whole month of september, then a close friend totally betrayed me, then my family betrayed me. what a shitty summer. the only good thing last year was i got to see Madonna in Philly on july 4th—an incredible concert by an incredible lady! but even that was compromised since my ear was so fucked up. i had to wear plugs.

Summer 2005 hasn't been quite as awful as that, but March-May was brutal, with a similar right ear infection that i ended up with a months antibiotics that scraped my stomach out. the ear is healing now, but slowly. i've been blessed with a new used car, and i thank God for it, and hope i won't have mechanical problems like the last one. but i had to buy it 4 months sooner than expected, and i'm broke. pleasure right now for me is splurging on name-brand yogurt at pathmark. but i can't complain…things are looking up in several areas of my life. but i'm impatient, and want it all to change now, and i know the changes i'm starting now will take some time to manifest. its hard to be patient sometimes.

other things that are freaky now are other people. i feel like i've shifted to an alternate wavelength regarding all my relationships, and its just been weird. one thing thats fueling this i think is that i am starting to take back myself. i am an extremely giving person by nature, and being the typical pisces will sacrifice and put aside my own wants needs schedule and requirements for others in a heartbeat. for as long as i can remember i've been giving myself away, much to my own detriment it now seems.

the Uranus in Pisces thing is in full force with me, and its been going back and forth over my Sun in Pisces at 8-degrees for over a year now. Uranus is the force of volatile abrupt change, clearing of the decks, shakeup of patterns and systems, and in general, just change change change. Uranus is sortof ripping me a new asshole in a sense. pushing things in front of my eyes that i really didn't want to pay attention to; and one of the most pertinent and protracted is this giving away of myself, draining of my resources [physical, mental, and spiritual] until i'm empty and depressed. in layman's speak its called "people pleasing" and i am its #1 example. Uranus has been telling me for over a year now that it must stop, and its been forcing issues, pushing confrontations, anything, to get me to own myself again, to discover my unique identity, my likes and dislikes, and most importantly, my boundaries—what behaviors and relationships i want, will accept, and feel nourished in, and whether or not what i've got going on now is pushing me towards growth or sucking me dry. "Pisces" and "boundaries" aren't usually in the same universe—boundaries are most pisces acillies' heel and most of us don't have any. well, Uranus is seeing to it that this is gonna change, big time. but the change will be constant and slow for a while. very draining.

one thing i've been reading about is that while i'm changing [and this goes for any Sun sign Pisces now], many people prefer me as is—the apologetic people pleaser—and some will protest and not be supportive of my changing. some may throw hissy fits, be extra sandpapery in their dealings with me, treat me shoddily because i'm not living up to their expectations of me, or whatever way they can see to draw my attention away from myself, which is where its cosmically supposed to be right now. whatever it is, the need to unchange the change is there all over the place. i'm not saying there's anything evil here, but many, if not most people are generally afraid of change, except if you've got mutability stamped all over your chart, and a common reaction to change is to dig in, hold on, and stubbornly refuse to accept the changes, whatever they are.

i'm not expected to pay attention to myself. i've set a bad precedent. many pisces will succumb to the pressure and unchange themselves out of guilt—but this is a very bad misuse of Uranus energy and the blowback, when it comes, could be fierce. one of the things i've read lately is that Sun Pisces can't allow their guilt to overwhelm them now, they must embrace the changes, adapt, and flow with them. this use of the energy will eventually be very productive, but it will take time.

so i've been trying to be careful about the guilt thing and that's lead me to questions. if i have to play the servant/slave all the time, what use is the relationship to me? how does it benefit me?--these are questions i've not ever asked before. but really, what does and doesn't benefit me? what do i want?—which is i think a classic question that most Sun Pisces will be faced with sometime during the Uranus transit, and a scary question at that. boundary issues. i want relationships that are balanced, and thats part of what this transit is about and i guess why things have been very very unbalanced lately, allowing me to see just how out of balance most of my relationships are. so i'd have to rate my uncomfortability with myself and environment as quite high at this time. and of course, comfort doesn't promote change, only uncomfortableness and pain do. stay tuned.

time for a new bumper sticker

2005-07-13T22:41:00.000-04:00

my poorly-designed and inferiorly-manufactured american made car finally gave up the ghost last week and it became necessary to put it out of its misery. having been thru 3 US car ownerships, complete with constant and staggeringly costly repair bills, i finally came to the conclusion millions have already discovered…American cars SUCK. since i don't have McMillions to flush on idiotic repair bills just to keep an american car running, and american autoworkers employed, i finally went and purchased my second well-built, reliable used Japanese car [my first was totalled via auto accident].

so now comes the responsibility to add a pithy and/or silly bumper sticker to my new vehicle, hereafter named Sebastian. currently i'm toying with these choices:

but the one i am most tempted to stick to my bumper is:

i've always wanted to drive around with that message blaring from my bumper. a worthy thought indeed. well we'll see.

by the way, while at my local Nissan dealer i noticed the place was PACKED with customers on all 3 days i visited. my salesman confirmed that its always like this, and he hardly has a moment to eat lunch. hmmm…

…so if there's no shortage of car consumers in need of purchasing vehicles, why then must GM, Ford, and Chrysler [which isn't really American anymore, but pretends to be by building crap] run special "Employee Discount" campaigns just to get suckers in the door? could it possibly be…no…no, say it isn't so…could it be that perhaps their cars SUCK and consumers are aware that GM, Ford, and Chrysler built vehicles are the shittiest in the land?…even with a "discount". if you've already succumbed and bought one via the "Employee Discount" sale, i'd strongly suggest you put the money you saved in the bank so you have it handy for withdrawal when your vehicle ends up in the shop, which will of course be continuously throughout your ownership. good luck :)

saturn in cancer, and a clear case of opposites

2005-07-13T22:20:00.000-04:00

what is up with Mr. Tom Cruise? is he having the most blatant mid-life crisis or what?? don't get me wrong, i've been a TC fan for years, and had thought that on top of mr. cruise being exceptionally handsome, that he was a complete gentleman. but things have been getting weird with him for some time now. i think Vanilla Sky was the first clue of unbalanced self-absorption. how could he go from Jerry McGuire stuff to that?

well, needless to say, mr. cruise has been under the gun the past couple of years with Saturn sitting on his Sun. saturn's been in Cancer for the past 2 years, and anyone with significant planets in Cancer or Capricorn has been feeling the heat. like Mr. Tom here. but there's still little excuse for his idiotic behavior of late. he should just shut up already about his cult religion and naive girlfriend, who doesn't look like she's really given thought to what she's been doing lately.

ever since mr. cruise fired his long time PR person and replaced her with his sister things have been sliding south. it seems his sister is encouraging mr. tom to "be himself". hmmm... well if being yourself means your showing the world your a pompous high-school dropout jerk who was beaten up at Glen Ridge High School, well then i guess so be it. but you'd better be clear on the fact that you're probably gonna damage the very thing that people need to see your movies: transparency.

i couldn't bring myself to go see War of the Worlds because i couldn't get mr. "tomcat" out of my head long enough to suspend my belief. Collateral was the same. i think if TC keeps it up it could seriously alter his movie-draw status, especially among his main fan-base, which happen to be women. no woman in her right mind loves to pay $10 to see a pompous jerk.

well, TC should be relieved soon, since Saturn is leaving Cancer on July 16th. all the Cancers and Cappys will be able to breath a sigh of relief then. but wait...Leos are next! and Hollywood is filled with Leos, so i would bet the next two years of Saturn in Leo will bring plenty of hijinks and drama to LALA land. along with a few national leader changes and regime dumping parties. what fun!

being fascinated with the astrological concept of opposition, i couldn't help but tune in for the Lauer/Cruise bout that recently aired on the Today Show. cruise is a sunsign Cancer and lauer a classic sunsign Capricorn, true opposites that happened to face off in front of an audience of millions. TC let his powerful watery emotions overpower him, and he came off looking like an ignorant jerk, while ML, in true Capricorn fashion kept his cool and finished the interview looking classy and well-heeled.

for London and rest of the world

2005-07-07T16:18:00.000-04:00

For London:

Prayer Against Violence by Carol Penner

Perfect love casts our fear and so today we pray for your spirit of Love on our world.
Cast out the strapping of bombs to bodies.
Cast out the explosion of bombs in crowded places.
Cast out the tricking of children to carry bombs.
Cast out the desperation that leads people to terrorist acts.
Cast out the making of walls that divide and imprison us.
Cast out the firing of missiles and the bulldozing of homes.
Cast out the prejudice against people of a certain race or culture.
Cast out the political structures that perpetuate violence.
Cast out the hatred that produces fear.
Send down the courage to reach out in peace.
Send down the resolution to not return evil for evil.
Send down the creativity to find peaceful political solutions
Send down the wisdom that politicians and diplomats need.
Send down the commitment to work together to end terrorism.
Send down the power of nonviolence to create change.
Send down the comfort and justice that victims need.
Send down the love that will end our fear.
We ask these things in the name of Jesus, the Prince of Peace, Amen.

Original posting can be found here.

For the World:

I desire neither earthly kingdom,
nor even freedom from birth and death.
I desire only the deliverance from grief
of all those afflicted by misery.
Oh Lord, lead us from the unreal to the real;
from darkness to light;
from death to immortality.
May there be peace in celestial regions.
May there be peace on earth.
May the waters be appeasing.
May herbs be wholesome and
may trees and plants bring peace to all.
May all beneficent beings bring peace to us.
May thy wisdom spread peace all through the world.
May all things be a source of peace to all and to me.
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.
--hindu peace prayer - mahatma Gandhi

Beloved, Inmost Heart of every heart,
do not Let our human hearts be broken
by our merely mortal suffering here-
but Make our mortal human hearts break-Free
to an unconditional love of You,
that we may, Thus, love all living beings
with Love's own True, and Truly broken, Heart.
--the universal world-prayer - ruchira avatar adi da samraj

O God, we pray for all those in our world
who are suffering from injustice:
For those who are discriminated against
because of their race, color or religion;
For those imprisoned
for working for the relief of oppression;
For those who are hounded
for speaking the inconvenient truth;
For those tempted to violence
as a cry against overwhelming hardship;
For those deprived of reasonable health and education;
For those suffering from hunger and famine;
For those too weak to help themselves
and who have no one else to help them;
For the unemployed who cry out
for work but do not find it.
We pray for anyone of our acquaintance
who is personally affected by injustice.
Forgive us, Lord, if we unwittingly share in the conditions
or in a system that perpetuates injustice.
Show us how we can serve your children
and make your love practical by washing their feet.
--mother teresa

Know other creatures' love for life,
For they are like you.
Kill them not; save their life from fear and enmity.
All creatures desire to live, not to die.
Hence to kill is to sin.
A godly man does not kill.
Therefore, kill not yourself, consciously or
Unconsciously, living organisms which move
Or move not, nor cause slaughter of them.
He who looketh on the creatures of the earth,
Big and small, as his own self, comprehendeth this immense world.
Among the careless, he who restraineth self is enlightened.
--ahimsa parmo dharma - jain prayer of nonviolence

Source of these prayers are here.

supreme court injustices

2005-07-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

fresh from empowering meglomaniacs everywhere to embrace eminent domain, sandra day o'connor, that pixyish tweedle-dee supreme court injustice, is retiring. well, fancy that! i guess it isn't that much a surprise considering that another iconic figure of incompetence, the late, cerebrally-adled ronald reagan nominated her in the first place.

i don't know about you, but i haven't felt "served" by our supreme injustices in a very long time. they may be the third branch of our right-wing, fundamentalist-christian government, but their attitudes certainly reek of arrogance, elitism, and partisan politics. remember Thurgood Marshall? the Honorable Justice Marshall was perhaps the last person to claim a seat on the supremes who embodied the integrity, impartiality, fairness, and sense of Justice that served the common person's good. a truly great judge who knew that his position, although elevated, was to SERVE the people. of course, Marshall was replaced by a pillar of idiocy, clarence thomas, whose most famous actions seem to be his butt-grabbing antics on Laura Hill. butt, i digress...

advanced age may translate to wisdom, but not always. sometimes it just makes for people who are completely out of touch with the rest of society, and those types should spend as much time perfecting their gardening skills and bingo as possible and just drop out from anything that can negatively affect society, really. certainly there are many persons of advanced age that contribute their wisdom and experience, but they seem to still be in touch with life in the current decade.

i think our current crop of 'supreme' justices should be at bingo rather than affecting the world we must live in; they're completely out of touch with society, the common person's struggles, american culture, and anything that occurred after 1956…and it shows.

how? you ask; well, please lets not forget that we have sandra-day-o, souter, thomas, and the rest for the greatest travesty of justice in the past quarter century. they are to blame for the elevation of this moron

to the US presidency in the first place, which of course resulted in 9-11, our current economic dumpster dive, the 1984-ish "patriot" act, the lie that is the iraq war [resulting in 100,000 iraq deaths, nearly 2,000 US soldier deaths, and 5,000 US soldiers who are disabled for life], and the dilemma o'connor has just ignited: the above said moron, who also happens to be a draft-dodger, liar, murderer, and bigot, gets to pick the person, or ignorant crackpot who will replace her. she's only 75, she works in DC, she can see things are a mess--and she couldn't wait 2 more years to step down? o'conner's actions are unbecoming of a person of her supposed intellectual superiority; even rinquest is holding on by a thyroid tendon, yet i guess the gardening and bingo o'connor is missing out on is beckoning louder than justice and common sense. well, i guess good riddance.

of course, the white house probably already has the next supreme nomination set to go, but while here, as a US citizen, and person who values justice and liberty, i'd like to offer up my 2-cents. i think the choice is obvious; the justice to fill o'connor's shoes should be another woman, perhaps a misunderstood minority, a champion of human rights, but most importantly, they must be in touch with our 21st century world, able to make just and fair decisions that serve the common man. this can only mean one person:

…Michael Jackson. the only person who could fill o'connor's shoes with dignity! don't laugh…he is in fact more IN TOUCH with the world than any of the current supreme court corpses. i also think he'd look fantastic in that black robe.

have a great day.

today i feel like characters from moby dick.

2005-06-16T21:29:00.000-04:00

some quotes from Moby Dick, by Herman Melville:

There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness. And there is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces. And even if he for ever flies within the gorge, that gorge is in the mountains; so that even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar.

Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!

wow! here are SparkNote's quote meanings.

Moby Dick is supposedly the best novel ever written. it's story is certainly powerful, but what i find most intriguing is that Melville's 1851 novel is so modern in its self-awareness, ambiguity of meaning, and multiple symbolisms.

if you want to read about the essence of this novel, but don't have the 4-6 months to devote to reading it at this point in your life, Sparknotes offer a free and brief overview of the whole thing that can be read in 1-2 sittings. i found it very interesting. you might also. check it out.

by the way, Eminem's arch nemesis, Moby, is actually related to Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick. but i bet you knew that already.

the revised last wedding entry

2005-06-16T10:12:00.000-04:00

well, after such intense involvement in my friend's wedding since last september, and the incredible pressure of the last weeks leading up to the big day, i must admit my desire to place an entry about it here on my blog was really to wrap it up and move on. i put a lot of my own issues on the back burner during that time, and i am very eager to finally pay attention to my own needs and issues, instead of others. especially since this year is such a watershed of sorts in that area for me. time to help myself as much as i help others. and not let others make me feel guilty in the process.

but in my speed to wrap up the wedding saga and move on, a few details [a virgo specialty] were missed. so i will now redo it adding them.

my friend, accessg [the photographer who's site i profiled a couple weeks ago] is also a friend of the bride, and she'd invited him to the rehearsal dinner, and wanted him as my guest at her wedding. i wanted him to attend these functions also, knowing he would be happy for the bride and want to witness her big day.

...plus, accessg is a fun and bubbly guy to have around, and his infectious charm adds good vibes to any event. i knew he'd enjoy himself and others would enjoy his spirit of fun too.

the closer i came to the wedding day, the more frazzled i became, and accessg was there to help me and the bride. he generously offered to drive both days to the wedding location, even getting up at 6 AM on saturday so i could get there on time for my bridesmaid's duties.

sunday was going to be a problem, since there were more people than cars to get the bride's family back to the airport, and the bride and i planned two trips over 4 hrs--a very stressful thing. but accessg generously offered to be the third ride, and the three of us managed to get the bride's family to the airport on time, and in one 30+ mile trip.

on the day of the wedding, accessg also shadowed the photographer during the pre-ceremony sessions, and got some great shots of the bride, groom, and their families. about 150 shots. he'll be using these photos in a special gift to the bride too. the photographer even gave him some photo tips.

as for the after ceremony party, we all danced, even me. i'm not much for dancing, especially in my uncomfortable dress. but i did, and accessg [who happens to be a great dancer] and i, along with other members of the family had a great time. near the end of the party, when some were i think a little drunk, they started to toss some family members in the air. this was great, but the banquet hall's ceiling was very low, and although the bride's 9 yr old nephew got flung without incident, the groom's toss almost landed him in the hospital with a concussion from landing on his head. the band, The Flying Mueller Bros., had large bongo drums set up on the dance floor, and we all took turns helping beat out the rhythms to their many latin-flavored songs. near the end they switched to rock and punk, and ended with a great set of GreenDay that sounded just like the real thing.

so, thanks to the bride, her family, and accessg for a very successful wedding, which went on quite successfully. and again, my best wishes to the bride and her new husband for a long, happy, and successful marriage!

it's mutability time!

2005-06-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

are you a sun sign gemini, virgo, sagittarius, or pisces? if so, have you felt increased pressure and tension the past couple of weeks? have you felt like screaming or hiding under a rock until further notice? wonder what's going on?

well, its that time of year again. time for the big fat mutable 'grand cross' in the sky. when planets are in mutable signs and oppose each other, this happens, like right now. today the sun is in gemini, moon is in virgo, uranus is in pisces, and pluto is still in sagittarius. from early may until last week mars was in pisces, which also heated things up. ugh.

mutability is what astrologers call a "quadriplicity"--or a way of functioning in the world. there are three of them:

cardinal: initiator, motivated and a go-getter, starts things but has hard time following them through. can be pushy. signs: aries, cancer, libra, and capricorn.
fixed: grounded, persevering, sees things through, but perseverence can become extreme stubbornness. hates change. signs: taurus, leo, scorpio, and aquarius.
mutable: flexible, changeable, oscillates between cardinal and fixed energies. too much flexibility can become volatile instability. loves change. signs: gemini, virgo, sagittarius, and pisces.

most people's charts are a mixture of the three to some extent, but many times a chart will show a preponderance towards one flavor of quadriplicity. for instance, although i have stable, fixed taurus as my ascendant, moon sign, and north node, and fixed scorpio in neptune, my sun, mercury, mars, jupiter, saturn, uranus, and pluto are all in mutable signs—meaning i tend towards mutable expressions of energy.

many people that have a preponderance also have a "grand square" or "T-square" in their natal chart, and it becomes "activated" when the conditions are just right…like now. my natal chart contains a T-square, and it is activated by the current mutable grand square taking place.

negative aspects of mutability manifest as unstableness, useless information, general instability, verbal jousting, and irritability. the more natal planets that are involved, the weirder things become. and things have been pretty irritating and weird in my little corner of the world i can tell you.

the only good thing about this is that it will be over soon.

on the other hand, i feel in a way that i'm just beginning to wake up from a fixed-phase. the past few years i've relied heavily on my native taurus planets to get me thru some pretty intense stuff, the kind that only an organized fixed sign could really pull through without breaking up. long boring projects requiring lots of perseverence to see thru to the end, tons of patience and the ability to wait other things out. taurus and the other fixed signs are well equipped to hold ground and even advance during the most inclement cosmic weather and i've used that energy the best i could. but now i feel the sun coming out. winter is over.

my mutability is waking up again. my attention span is getting a little shorter, i get bored more easily, i'm finding it more difficult to sit still. i'm itching to do things, anything, and just enjoy being flighty, a little inconsistent, and indecisive. we'll see.

for all you readers with a preponderance of mutable energy—hang in there. now's the time to indulge your urge to do 2-5 things at once and enjoy it!

The last wedding entry

2005-06-13T20:35:00.000-04:00

meanwhile, as everything else spirals out of control, the wedding i'd mentioned previously happened a week ago saturday. it went on without a hitch, and even the weather cooperated [although there were moments we didn't think it would].

the bride looked beautiful, the wedding parties managed the best they could [especially us bridesmaids with those dresses], the ceremony was held outside in a very blooming courtyard. during the ceremony i was attacked by a big fuzzy bumblebee who was buzzing around the flowers and happened to notice the bouquet i was holding. but i didn't get stung, thank god.

the catering, band, and all else went extremely well, without glitches. the food was excellent, and so was the band. everyone had a great time. usually something bombs at a wedding, but this one was the exception. it all came together without a sournote.

my friend is now happily married and away on her honeymoon. i wish her and her husband a long, loving, and enriching marriage.

after all the pressure, i myself am relieved that this is over with and that all our hard work paid off on the wedding day.

so no more posts about the wedding after this. onto new dramaticals.

today's horoscope

2005-06-08T22:58:00.000-04:00

Pisces
February 18 - March 19
Whether you are a volunteer or you do it for a living, if your daily activity involves some kind of altruism or giving of yourself, today you may learn a very important lesson, dear Pisces. You are going to learn that in order to help other people, you need to take learn to take care of yourself. After all, how can you help other people as much as you would like to if you don't take good care of yourself mentally and physically?

sometimes these little daily horoscopes can be so on the money.

today was still horrible, still dysfunctional. and it involved questioning myself as to why i care so much about certain things. i'm such a sucker. i care about things, other people see that and take advantage of my good nature, and are ungrateful for my diligence, and then after that, they can't just leave it alone, no they have to make sure that not only should i be concerned for something that i gain no profit from, but they try to make me feel bad too. or lie and manipulate so i get yelled at and unfairly berated.

but i've also noticed that when i try to change this unhealthy behavior, its like the heavens open up and drop endless distractions in my lap, so i can't concentrate on being a little concerned for my own needs. today was one of those days, and fits perfectly with this whole last few weeks. its just amazing how the devil tries to suck me in.

dysfunction

2005-06-01T18:34:00.000-04:00

i guess the major theme these last few weeks has been dysfunction. i'm a magnet for it, and lets just say that it wastes a lot of my time at my livelihood. flounders are a good visual metaphor for dysfunction. they're like these fucked up fish who have all the fish pieces but their put together like a picasso scupture and somehow, flounders still function (a little), and they're very tasty. they do look uncomfortable in their own skin though. thats a middling-type dysfunction. but there are other types, like:

emotionless ice block: freezes all around them who attempt emotional honesty. most of these have dug out the emotional center of their brainstem with a Q-tip at a young age. unsympathetic, mean, cruel, and controlling, this dysfunctional type feels no satisfaction in making others miserable, but do it because they have huge stock holdings in Kleenex.

miserable miser bastard: equally emotionless, and rich, but not from their own brainpower, but gained on the backs of others. and even with all that, they're still miserable bastards who live vicariously through causing pain to others.

shrieking mutant: overly intouch with feelings, this dysfunctional type has only one volume setting, the shriek. not the type to take to the movies since you can't mute them like a cell phone.

spineless jelloblob: spine has been removed during childhood, leaving an ineffectual, morbid dysfunction type who can't sit up straight. ironically, this type usually ends up the patriarch or matriarch of families. this one's dysfunction is viral, spreading around due to inability to make decisions, take a stand, or acquire an ounce of integrity. viral symptoms include inability to grow a spine when needed.

guilt transporter: specializing in trips that focus upon guilt, this little bastard weedles its way into complex groups. once their fingers start pointing and their manipulative comments multiply the fun begins.

snake weasel: usually found at garden parties and mediocre Better Homes and Gardens type social events. this dysfunctional type lies, cheats, manipulates, and holds others emotionally hostage while they blather on and on about how they are effective "team players". like the cockroach, this dysfunctional type can outlast a nuclear winter, but is threatened by those who express intelligence, integrity, and respect for others. when exposed to this the snake weasel will use their powers of lying and manipulation to slanderous means. success is based upon how low the IQs are of others who surround them. cannot thrive in highly intelligent or normal environments.

the chewed gum: usually older, this dysfunctional type has been worn out be their natural dysfunctional environment. lazy, slow to comprehend, with a unique ability to disappear when needed, this space-taker-upper floats on whatever garbage-barge life puts them on.

toe fungusnus: this type lives vicariously thru the business of others. cannot mind their own business and makes every effort to turn every hangnail into an emmy nominated Lifetime Channel dramatical.

the burnt offering: usually includes a childhood slathered in dysfunction. upon entering adulthood cannot function in normal environments without a protective seal. attracts the other dysfunctional types like ants to candy. usually ends up with a choice to be honest with themselves and change their dysfunctional relationships and removing those that are hurting them, or to sink slowly into a pit of dispair. those that choose to confront their dysfunctional beginnings and change who they are successfully exit the hornets nest of poisonous people and go on to live healthy, normal lives. however, this is not accomplished without tremendous pain and blunt honesty. not for the faint of heart.

anger

2005-06-01T18:28:00.000-04:00

the last couple of weeks i've been feeling very angry at times and hurt at others. yesterday was horrible but i don't want to get into it now. i've always liked godzilla; he seemed able to express his anger succinctly. yet, godzilla was still happy-go-lucky once he'd shredded the evil monster foe like mothra or that three-headed thing. godzilla was true to his feelings. sure, he kept trashing tokyo, but i'm certain he felt better after it. i wish i had a miniature tokyo to trash.

a mid-week joke

2005-06-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

ha ha.

what i am learning

2005-05-27T20:38:00.000-04:00

everything changes. the only thing constant is change. some people coax change. others embrace it. even people who refuse to change, change. even if they don't admit it, it becomes obvious. but what is the value of change?

change is neutral. it can be good or bad, even in people. some changes are definitely for the worse. change is usually accompanied with other things like acceptance, denial, fear, or challenge. especially negative changes. whether it be a thing, place or person.

but the trick is not to discern if the change is good or bad in a vacuum, but its value to you, or me. as in, is that change [in that person place or thing] advantageous to me? is it beneficial? positive? Or, is it draining? emotionally depleting? is it having a NEGATIVE affect on my wellbeing or self-worth? is it wasting my valuable energy that i could more fruitfully apply elsewhere?

these are the questions that must be asked. honestly. the answers, well…might not be positive, uplifting, or encouraging, but if the changes create a negative environment, that environment creates a need to address it. addressing negative change isn't easy, since the result is usually the elimination of the negative person place or thing. but refusing to confront it leads to its own misery. it is only when you clean out the junk that you have room for things of value.

and that is my thought for the day.

speaking of flowers…

2005-05-26T16:06:00.000-04:00

my friend accessg has just redesigned his website. he's quite artistic and talented in multiple medias, including photography. his new site includes a section devoted to his beautiful photographs, which he's also offering for sale. i think some of his best photos are of flowers. if you have a blank wall in your home, why not get one of accessg's photos to brighten it up? maybe a flower…? no haughty pretense on his site, just nice stuff. you can find accessg's site here.

flowers have feelings too

2005-05-26T16:03:00.000-04:00

this is a very interesting science article which suggests that our affection and love of flowers may have altered their evolution. daisies are my favorite flowers. like duckies, daisies are just so cute. you can't help but smile.

duckies!

2005-05-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

i love all kinds of ducks. but i love rubber duckies the best.

my new favorite japanese cartoon: ghost in the shell/stand alone complex

2005-05-25T15:04:00.000-04:00

i love cartoon network's latenight lineup, especially their japanese anime. i'm an avid fan of Cowboy Bebop, Trigun, Full Metal Alchemist, and Big O. the japanese animation is beautiful, and the stories and character development are highly creative. the japanese tell the best stories.

i've been tuning into a new show, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex and find it especially interesting. the other night there was an episode where the villain, "The Laughing Man" pasted his logo [above] over certain character faces during a TV broadcast in the show and the central characters were unnerved. i thought the logo was unnerving and odd. what did it mean?

after some investigation i found that "Stand Alone Complex" describes two different series modes—there are "stand alone" episodes that aren't part of a larger story, and related "complex" episodes that play out over many episodes and involve the character "The Laughing Man". the backstory for the characters are also very interesting. in the plotline people in 2030 will have cyborg implants that connect them directly to the super-internet, and to each other, and some people will be more machine than human. privacy and individuality will be no more.

then i discovered that the laughing man character is named after a short story by JD Salinger, and the quote in the logo is from his famous book, "The Catcher in the Rye". Here's the full quote:

"I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddamn stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life."

The Catcher in the Rye is a very controversial book, even today and covers many layered themes of loss of innocence, alienation, and the phony ways of adulthood, among other complex themes. this is the last book i'd think an anime would include in its story as a symbolic device, but i think its brilliant.

I am quite intrigued this anime is full of layered, subjective symbolic meanings. apparently this TV series is based on a 1995 movie of the same name, released in japan. the animation for the movie was completed by the same company that created the fantastic anime sequence in Kill Bill, Part 1. the production values of Ghost in the Shell are top-notch. elaborate illustration, deep rich color pallets, very atmospheric background designs.

if you are interested in learning more about this anime series, this site contains some indepth information.

it's Engrish!

2005-05-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

here's a site that can only be funny if you speak english. hilarious translations. i used to deal with translated japanese instruction manuals and this site reminds me of that. yes, often something does get lost in translation.

the childhood friend thing

2005-05-24T11:14:00.000-04:00

talk about sharing feelings. although i wasn't going to say anything about the childhood friend thing that was bothering me [previous post]. my friend the bride and i made plans for saturday evening, to get together with a few other friends and go out. i happened to arrive as the bride was speaking with the person arranging her bachelorette party, her friend from another state. i came in and sat at the kitchen table waiting for her to finish her phone conversation.

soon after i sat down, this person with my friend's name came up in their conversation, and the women on the other line i guess didn't know about this other friend, so the bride explained it to her by saying "yeah, so-and-so, she's my best friend…" the words just clicked in my brain like a key in a lock, and i could feel myself getting upset. it was just one of those moments i guess everyone has at some point where words become triggers. i tried my hardest to just stuff all the feelings inside and not let them show. i really didn't want to let anything out to my friend.

she finished her phone conversation, hung up, and came over to speak with me. i was choking back the tsumani of feelings inside me. anger, sorrow, regret, emptyness, grief. it was all there and i guess i couldn't pull it back far enough to have it hidden. my friend the bride asked me what was wrong. at first i said "nothing" and she asked again, saying "no, there's something wrong." the third time she asked was the charm. it all came pouring out, unmitigated, like a raging river at flood level, choked with mud.

i said, "you know, your conversation was a trigger here. i don't want to talk about it. i feel terrible, but this is one of the happiest times in your life and i don't want to ruin it, but for me, this time is bringing up so much pain and it hurts." i started sobbing. i felt like an idiot. i hate crying in front of people.

i went on to tell her that what she'd just mentioned about her friend hurt. not that i am not happy that she has such a childhood friend, or jealousy or anything like that, but it hurt because it made me think about my loss, and all that comes with it. something i don't choose to think about at all. and the fact that they both share the same name is what was the most screwed up thing. it was playing with my head. not a common name, so this encounter with a mirrored situation was just hitting me in the stomach like a right hook. i just let go and continued to sob and told her i was sorry for this. i didn't mean to break down, but the words 'best friend' felt like the pin was pulled from the grenade.

i said that only children think in terms of 'best' friends, but that it had stuck with me since it was sort of frozen in my heart at the time of my friend's death, and that we had been infact, 'best' friends, and the loss of that, at a key moment during those years was like a branding or scarring in me. and all the other things i'd mentioned in my previous post, like not having my friend to talk about those times with, and that i'd put them away in my heart so i wouldn't think about them.

i felt horrible for this emotional outburst, but my friend took it in stride. she tried to comfort me, telling me she felt bad that i had to go thru this and understood that it was the name, above anything else that made this painful, that if this person had another name, like betty, or linda, it would not be such a trigger and emotional raw spot. she understood, and i appreciate her understanding like she did. she said that if our positions were reversed she'd feel the same way. i appreciate my friend and that she wasn't horrified by my intense emotions, and instead offered me some understanding.

although i am an intensely emotional person, it is all on the inside. its very difficult for me to express my strong feelings in a palatable manner, or in a way that they don't take over when released. my feelings are a source of both power and undoing, and since they wield such energy inside me i feel i must give my emotions the respect they're due. they aren't something i treat lightly. but i know that stuffing them isn't healthy either, that eventually they come out, even more intense than intended. as in this case.

i guess this is an area of myself i just have to keep working on.

oversensitive pisces

2005-05-20T19:33:00.000-04:00

"fishbones and detris…scattered remains…carelessly discarded refuse" is the tag for this blog of a pisces. and its certainly lived up to that description. many other bloggers focus on providing pithy links or political commentary to attract readers. i'd thought about doing that, but decided this blog is better left as a place to unload my mind and feelings. a healthy way to do it at least. healthier than putting my fist through a wall or other destructive emotional outlets.

back in february i'd briefly discussed pisces sensitivity. we're so damn sensitive its ridiculous. sometimes i wish i could just shut it off. i've tried but i can't. the emotions have weight and i've found that if they get stuffed they definitely build up in pressure, and that can lead to unpleasant emotional outbursts. definitely unpleasant.

so this little spot on the web is great. i don't care about attracting readers, or posting links [although i post those that i think some might find interesting when i find them]. instead, this is a great place to VENT. like a few of my recent posts--about the jerk at my job and the wedding dramaticals. the whole thing is uneven, without topical structure or anything, but then again that's very pisces too.

the wedding

2005-05-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

tonight i go p/u my ugly and newly tailored bridesmaid dress and dyed shoes. i can't wait. the countdown to the wedding is in two weeks, and i'm emotionally and financially spent already. although i'm very happy for my friend, alot of this has been like nails on a chalkboard to me, or a microphone with backfeed.

one of the other bridesmaids flies in early next week with her kids. this person is a childhood friend of the bride, who happens to have the same name as a memory i'd rather forget...

back when i was 16 i lost my best friend to a drunk driver. he also murdered her boyfriend and her brother in that accident. back then our state had no serious penalties for DWIs and the guy got off with a traffic ticket.

losing those you love suddenly at any age is traumatic, but like losing a mom when your 5 yrs old, losing a best friend at 16 is devastating because that's the most influential and important thing in your life at that time. i know i was inconsolable for at least a year after my friend died. the fact that her brother also died in it only made it worse. her brother was also a good friend of mine, like an older brother to me. she was 15 and he was 19. her boyfriend was 17. a real tragedy.

even after i got over it, being human i always wondered what my friend would be now if she'd lived. would she have gone to college? had a career? a husband? kids? my friend never got the chance because of some drunk.

this accident was a turning point in my life. my childhood ended abruptly that june morning at the age of 16. it forced me to grow up overnight. the shadow of death and loss has been with me ever since. its influenced nearly everything i've done since then, and not always in the most positive way.

but this event also greatly sensitized me to such things. whenever i hear of a teenager's tragic death, whether it be a car accident, or an unthinkable tragedy such as Columbine, i instantly think about what the surviving young people must be going through--a very enormous emotional toll for a teenager to have to deal with. my hearts are with them all. i know how they must feel, and i feel terrible for what they will have to endure. such events mark a person for life.

it took me a long time to put that behind me, and sudden tragedies like that have insidious affects that you just can't know about unless you've been through it. for example, after that accident, many of her other friends as well as some of the family avoided me—i spent alot of time alone—because i was a constant reminder of my dead friend. that only made it hurt even more.

the other thing is that i don't know what its like to have such a long term friendship—someone that knew you as a child that you're still close with. being an only child my friend was like my sister in many ways. we had many adventures together. some of the happiest times of my teenage years i had with her. now there's no one to remember them with. i don't think much about those years because all the memories end with that tragedy. as a matter of fact i've not thought much about them at all until now. which brings me back to the other bridesmaid.

not only is she a childhood friend of the bride, but shares my dead friend's name, which was not a very common name. infact, i've never met another woman with her name. there are also other similarities in their friendship to the one i had. the only difference is that the bride's friend is alive and well. married with kids and a career. the sad irony isn't lost on me and its been keeping me up nights all week.

the bride knows all this, but she is not as sensitive as me, nor has she ever lost someone she loves, all her significant others are still alive and well. so she doesn't know how uncomfortable this situation is for me, expecially when i will help entertain this woman and escort her for part of her trip.

i can't and won't say anything, because i don't want to spoil the positive emotions my friend the bride is experiencing at this time, but at the same time i feel alot of pain. i don't want to think about my dead friend anymore, nor the events that came after her death. i want to leave it where it belongs--in the past.

...and of course star wars

2005-05-20T18:51:00.000-04:00

i was lucky enough to attend the first star wars episode 3 showing at midnight on wednesday with my friends. i'm a big scifi fan and star wars has always been one of my favorites. i like all the films, even the two new ones that preceded this one. although they weren't the best of them, the visual effects [except jarjar] are fantastic and a nice escape from reality.

i don't understand why some critics panned episode 3, i thought it was great, right up there with the original movie [1977] and the empire strikes back [1980]. telling darth vader's story adds emotional weight to the older films, and i can't wait until a snowday this winter to rent all 6 films and watch them in order.

if you haven't seen episode 3 due to some idiot's review, i suggest you ignore them and go see it on the big screen—it won't be the same on home DVD. the effects and the story make for a very satisfying 2.5 hr escape from this sorry planet.

united corporation of america

2005-05-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

wikipedia is such an awesome site. i know its got alot of professional stuffy people upset, because its a labor of luv instead of a dry, clinical thing, but its got info that no pay-per-view encyclopedia would ever have. even the most mundane stuff. today i searched for corporation names, like just to find a list of some, and wikipedia had some great links with tons of info.

ever wonder where a company got their name? here's a link to wikipedia's page of corporation name etymologies. not an exhaustive list, but some of it is fascinating. i didn't even know "portmanteau" was a word, as in "Verizon" is a portmanteau of veritas (Latin for truth) and horizon.

then there's this section that has sublisting for company names organized by their countries. the US section has a list [and link] at the bottom of its page for "former" companies. anyone remember Airborn Express?

control freak weasel rectum

2005-05-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

i waste so much of my day dealing with crazy dysfunctional people. today i dealt with a person here who is such a rectal spasm—ask them to do something and it turns into a spanish inquisition because they're a combination snake/weasel/anal-fissurly challenged rectum. an uber control-freak who doesn't know their own rectum from their arthritic knee or badly dyed hair.

and in the end, they had to do what i'd asked to begin with, but not without a smart-assy remark while leaving my office. you'd think this person was some junior associate, right? wrong. they're 15 yrs older than me, part of the infantily-challenged babyboomer generation, who all act like they're little 3 yr olds on crack, taking illogical pride in attending the 1960s, as if nothing's happened since then.

note to all you selfish, arrogant, botoxed babyboomers: the 1960s have been over for 30+ yrs and no one gives a shit. you all SOLD OUT—all that peace-love-hippie bullshit, and i mean bullshit, and here we are with a boomfucker IQ-challenged president in another vietnam, except this time your shipping your kids to their graves. very enlightened.

this place is full of whiny, pathetic babyfuckingboomers. makes getting things done like raking leaves with a toothbrush. "but," a boomer will say, "its a hip & trippy toothbrush!" go fuck yourselves.

the strangest dream

2005-05-11T19:55:00.000-04:00

it sounds like a song lyric, but last night i had the strangest dream. i dreampt i was attending a catholic 'retreat' in cincinnati ohio. i'd travelled by bus for 17 hrs to be there on a thursday, but i promised my boss i'd be in on friday, then return to the retreat.

in the dream the retreat house was more like a giant monolith built in a circle, and the guestrooms were on the floors above the church. but the church was a giant circle at the bottom, split in four like pieces of pie, and each quarter was a completely different church with a different alter. one of them looked something like the picture above. one alter was made of dark wood, one of grey granite, one of pinkish marble, and the final one was modern.

i'd awoke on friday and remembered i had to get to work, and walked thru all four alters on my way out--the entire circle was made of beautiful glass windows, but the brightest and most spiritual was in the granite section, my last stop before leaving. there was a mass in progress and i'd stopped to admire the alter's beauty--the sun was shining thru the stained glass windows and it was bright, like what you'd think heaven was like. in the dream i remember thinking that i wanted to return to this place as soon as possible since it was so comforting. then i made my way to the exit.

but it wasn't a door, instead it was a tunnel that led out to a glass-boxed escalator to the street between a bodega and i guess a deli. in my dream cincinnati was filthy and smelled awful. the whole city part was punctuated by smells of rotting garbage, urine, and dirt. the city i entered was a horrible decrepid place, like inner city neighborhoods such as newark nj have--where everything was just ready to fall apart.

the city was very crowded and the people were all dressed in filthy rags and they themselves were unkept and unshowered. everyone stared at me as i walked. i kept smelling the foul odors. i was filled with anxiety over having to go to work, and walking around this filthy place.

then i realized i didn't know how to get to the bus/train station and started asking for directions, but no one knew where it was because they had all been unemployed forever, and didn't commute anywhere. i panicked and my anxiety grew, knowing time was short. i entered a grimy mini-mall and thought to call work and tell them i was not coming in--then i realized i'd lost my cell phone, and that i couldn't navigate back to the escalator back to church. i freaked. i ended up at some meat-frying kiosk and started to tell my story to a woman standing there, the 17 hr bus ride, losing my cell phone, losing my way, my boss, etc.

as she answered me i looked at the cook frying up the disgusting meat things [like meat on a stick stuff] and noticed the meat being cooked was rancid and unrefrigerated, but people were buying and eating it anyway. i felt my stomach turn, and my anxiety deepen. then i realized that it would take another 17 hr busride to get back to work, and i'd never make it, and the thought of going in on friday during my retreat was ridiculous.!

then i woke up, and for a minute, thought i was still somehow in that awful place before i realized it was a dream. the anxiety feelings stayed with me for most of the day.

i've never been to cincinnati, and have never wanted to visit there--i know nothing about that city and have no idea it was so prominent in the story. this is one of the strangest dreams i've had in a long time.

more scorpio via taurus

2005-05-08T12:33:00.000-04:00

although he's not a rock star, al pacino is another taurus who channels scorpio energy. pacino has also embraced his dark scorpio opposite in films such as "Scarface", "Carlito's Way", and the very scorpio "GodFather" movies. he's also appeared as a playfully dark and sexual satan with keanu reeves in "The Devils Advocate."

other lesser-known pacino films "Serpico" and "Dog Day Afternoon" deal with the theme of the flawed hero, who is doing what is right but possesses a scorpio-dark heart.

pacino is a taurus, but his character portrayals are anything but the friendly, cuddly, relaxed traits of the typical bull.

more traditional taurus natives channel their own energy, which is soft, warm, and sort of pie-in-the-face cuddly. and do so very successfully.

bing crosby was the most successful musical artist of the first half of the 20th century. way before howard stern, he was the king of all media; star of song, movies, radio, and later his own tv specials, bing was the typical relaxed, cuddly taurus.

carol burnett is a good example of the taurus slapstick sense of humor. The Carol Burnett Show was one of the most successful comedy shows of the 20th century and featured ridiculous costumes and lots of burnett's physical [taurus] comedy. although carol had plenty of personal life tragedies, and later played some serious tv movie roles, her public adored her for her taurean down-to-earth warmth and friendly persona.

being a pisces sun myself, i have to admit i've a bit attracted to taurus men, and have always been very fond of jimmy stewart. stewart's hometown, everyman characters are classic. stewart portrayed very fallible men, and even in person didn't seem the typical hollywood actor. he was quiet and shy, and later wrote poetry and did voiceovers for campbell soup tv commercials. he was a no-nonsense sort of guy, but was also the type of man you wouldn't mind bringing home to mom. although i suspect he was a raging bull in bed :)

further analysis

2005-05-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

having heard "With Teeth" i've been curious about trent reznor's birth chart. i've known for a long time that he was a taurus, but never really thought much of it. but last year i attended madonna's latest tour and during her show i realized that she was 'embracing' her astrological opposing sun sign in how she communicated through her music, dance, and visual images. madonna is a leo, yet everything about her concert was aquarius, leo's opposite. madonna's show was excellent and very spiritual, which is a definite aquarian trait, not a leo one. ever since that concert i've been moderately curious about sucessful musicians and artists and their embracement of 'the other side of the coin'. such is the case with reznor.

a few weeks ago i saw a tv commercial for his upcoming CD and when i saw the black leather, fierce angry rage in his face, and the heavy music, i realized that trent reznor wasn't a typical taurus and that, in fact, he was channeling his opposing sun sign, scorpio.

taurus is a friendly sign, and we're in it right now. the fertile full-on spring part of the year--the part where seeds sprout and fields are tilled. taurus represents fertility to the max. it also represents 'earthiness' and some astrologers say that the Earth, not Venus, is its true 'planet'. earthiness includes agriculture, farming, rich fields for cows and bulls to munch on, the whole dairy-farm scenario.

taurus doesn't like secrets. they are down-to-earth, everything about them is on the surface, face value. you get what you see. they say what they mean and mean what they say. taurus just isn't interested in depth, or having to ferret out information. they are very simple in that regard.

taurus is also a 'fixed' sign, representing 'coiled energy' or that which is in reserve. taurus plots its course, takes its time, and doesn't expend energy in its journey that isn't necessary. taurus is about holding on to resources, growing and nurturing them. taurus also represents finance and money [ie: "Bull market"]. Bull markets are where people make money. Bear markets mean losing it. taurus is concerned with financial growth and security. they are stubborn and will stick with something until finished. they are resilient, but sometimes too bullheaded. yet they never want to hurt another person and will go to great lengths to keep the peace.

taurus loves peace. like elsie the cow, taurus prefers peaceful co-existence with others and love to relax and kick back. tauruses like routine, and being fixed, can sometimes end up in a rut because they so abhor change of any kind. taurus colors are earthtones, and rich textured materials such as velvet and silk, loved for their 'touch' appeal. tauruses like tactile stimulation. others feel peaceful, relaxed and secure around a taurus.

trent reznor doesn't look contented. his music doesn't reflect a peaceful atmosphere. he always wears black leather. he has pushed the envelope artistically numerous times, resulting in some hurt feelings. his music expresses decay, gory scenes, deep twisted black emotions. although he is a sun sign taurus, he is channeling his opposite.

taurus' opposite sign is scorpio, and although they share core traits such as tenacity and stubbornness, scorpio is 180 degrees apart.

taurus is springtime in full bloom, scorpio is dark, brutile, cold late fall. scorpio is just as concerned with security as taurus, but its not earthy. its deep and cavernous, hiding parts of itself in nooks and crannies so others cannot see.

scorpio doesn't experience a peaceful co-existence with others. it endures conflict. life is a series of battles to be won with shrewd strategies and intricate manipulations. attacks and counterattacks. both taurus and scorpio remember hurts forever. taurus will nurture and brood over them. scorpio will seek revenge.

taurus is the dairy farmer, bringing his milk to market. scorpio is the large diversified corporation that happens to run a milk plant and distributes products in various forms to supermarkets worldwide. taurus is agriculture. scorpio is industry [ie: industrial].

scorpio is the detective, patiently ferretting out all the clues. getting to the bottom of the story, looking beyond the taurean obvious to see what makes everything tick. but this psychology brings with it an uneasiness, an inner tension and overwhelming internal emotional turmoil that is kept 'coiled' [same energy as taurus] under lock and key and only let out at choice moments. when released this coiled energy is like a tsunami, blowing everything to bits. bull in a china shop [taurus]; tsunami [scorpio]. both signs have tremendously powerful tempers when they finally erupt.

but where taurus will keep the peace at all costs, including their own sanity, scorpio won't. scorpio represents chaos, painful transformation, decay, and death. scorpio isn't beyond shaking things up to get results. tossing in the live grenade to get to the bottom of situations others will just accept. uncovering painful and unspoken feelings. the things most usually avoid thinking about.

scorpio is necessary, and although many themes of this sign are unpleasant, they are beautiful processes in their own way. decay is a big scorpio theme--usually the thought of something rotting isn't very appealing. but decay is a process that provides the fertilizer for new growth. transforming dead things to living things again. transformation is another key scorpio theme.

reznor's persona and music are all scorpio themes, with a few taurus ones mixed in. his lyrics speak of painful emotional hurts, revenge, catharsis, decay, digging to the bottom of things, exposing nasty thoughts, pure sex [closer is the uber scorpio song], aloneness, depression, living hells. the taurus themes come in when he sings of sameness, inflexibility, unchanging patterns. also references to teeth, throats, and swallowing are taurus since it rules the throat, but his scorpio themes are far more numerous.

reznor was born on may 17, 1965 in pennsylvania. he has the typical outerplanets of an early genxer, with the saturn/pluto opposition in pisces-virgo, a major source of depression and self destructive behaviors in many born during the mid to late 1960s. his ascendant is capricorn and moon is in sagittarius. capricorn makes a nice trine to his sun, but the sagittarius moon squares most of his outer planets, which is a constant source of his tension and anger. his mercury is in taurus, which makes him a powerful and consistent communicator. venus is in gemini--lots of relationship dramas and hard to find real love. his mars is in virgo, giving him precision in the expression of his anger and rage. his jupiter is in gemini, which is an astrological representation of a big "kick me" sign--a lack of 'luck'; he's had to work for everything, no free rides. lots of tough breaks.

a very complex chart, but i've blabbed on long enough and i need to go to sleep. goodnight.

more teeth

2005-05-06T17:54:00.000-04:00

speaking of 'teeth', this week's one nice distraction was the new NIN CD, "With Teeth". i bought it tuesday and have been listening to it all week. i've been a NIN fan since "Pretty Hate Machine". i was sort of disappointed with "The Fragile", although it had a few good songs. i didn't know what to expect with the new CD and hoped it wasn't another Fragile...and it isn't.

trent reznor is, in my opinion, one of those few artists who can sum up some pretty intense/nasty/complex emotions accurately in musical tones. listening to an NIN song, a visceral emotional experience is the result. the feelings reznor's songs discuss aren't pretty--making them hard to quantify, but they're the sort of emotions most people usually stuff away in the shadowy dark corners of their hearts. NIN puts them out in the open on public record.

"With Teeth" needs a few full listens to extract the black viscious feelings thoroughly, but all of what trent sings about is "nailed" succinctly. i love this CD.

reznor is also an avid apple computer fan, and put out his CD in garageband a couple of weeks ago. you can download it here. and here's the link to the NIN site. if you're curious.

what makes "With Teeth" different than NIN's other CDs is it only took a year to complete, whereas "The Fragile", "The Downward Spiral", and "Pretty Hate Machine" each took 4-5 yrs. yes, its been 6 yrs since Fragile's release, but apparently reznor spent the year after its release trying to drink himself to death, eventually entering rehab. trent's been sober for 4 yrs and spent some time cleaning up his life. i give reznor credit--addiction recovery isn't easy, especially if you're a rock star.

this new sobriety can be heard on the "With Teeth" in its slightly more confident lyrics, and the clarity/intensity of sound. "All The Love In The World", "Only", "Sunspots", and "Right Where It Belongs" are my favorites. this CD helped this icky week go faster. thanks mr. reznor and good luck!

what a week

2005-05-06T17:20:00.000-04:00

this site describes some of the astrological shenanigans of this week's explosive aspects.

There are several classic cosmic aspects in the sky this week that represent the potential for accidents, explosive anger, and general irritability. If we use these forces to best advantage, we will tackle major projects that require a lot of physical energy. The mix of planets call for controlled force, such as that which would be used when deliberately collapsing a building. Double check every element of a mechanical activity twice and concentrate on accuracy. Drive with care.

this week wasn't for the faint of heart. here was my horoscope :

Pisces (Feb. 18--Mar. 19):
You have so many things on your mind and so much to do that it could look like you are running a circus. It will be very easy to lose your temper because you are racing and others will not or cannot cooperate at your pace. You probably need to work alone this week for best results. Be especially careful with your feet, teeth and bones.

funny they should mention teeth since i've been grinding them in stress and frustration for much of this week. i must agree that this week i've been quite mutable, going places, doing things, all at top speed, sometimes two things at once [very mutable]. and i've been getting a little irritable because i feel this week's been all 'hurry up and wait'. i'm glad this week is over! now i've just got to de-stress. time to hit the gym.

2005-05-04T15:42:00.000-04:00

word
this is a test

Darth Vader interpretations

2005-05-03T17:10:00.000-04:00

the new star wars movie is about to be released. highly anticipated for its story of how anakin becomes darth vader, one of the most memorable fictional villians of the 20th century. this link is a fascinating look at the health and disease of the Lord Darth Vader.

oh its friday

2005-04-22T16:28:00.000-04:00

haven't posted in a while. i was sick and busy. i've had an ongoing ear infection since january. ear infections are nasty shit. my PCP just kept prescribing different antibiotics without a clue. it was getting annoying. finally i went back to my ENT, and while he checked the tube in my left ear [it was blocked], he prescribed a fruitsalad of pharmaceuticals to get the infection out of my right ear. i'm finally ending the nasal steroids tommorrow, but i'll be on the antibiotics for another week, making this the longest i've ever taken one antibiotic [1 month]. i've been eating yogurt and nightly experience my stomach turning from all the meds. blech.

then there was the bridal shower. keeping trak of the rsvps, designing its "look", finding and buying the right decorations, coordinating, blah blah. it went off without a hitch, my friend, the bride, was very happy. i was exhausted after that weekend. blech.

this monday i went for my bridesmaids dress fitting, shoes, and a clutch. the fitting was ridiculous, they overbooked like 20 people at one time and we were all crammed into this small dressing room, and you get fitted infront of the other disgruntled customers. i think my dress is hideous and reminds me of a horrible cowled dress my mom made me wear to some pointless family function when i was 12. what a racket--even the shoes ["made in china"] were grossly overpriced, but hey, they dye them for free. sure. the dye fee is worked into the bloated purchase price. blech.

how about that new beer garden pope? i'm 1/2 polish [yessir] and i must admit i liked john paul II. even though he travelled the world, he was so culturally polish. john paul II was elected pontiff when i was a little kid. at that time polish jokes were all the rage. i remember a tent exhibit at the summer polska festival featuring all the mean polish joke paraphenalia, to show polish people they were being made fun of. this was the 70s--very backwards cultural time i think. i remember being made fun of at school for my ethnicity [i am also half russian]--kids calling me a 'commie pollack'--when that happens you feel ashamed for what you should be proud of. then john paul II was elected, showing the world a courageous, funny, sweet and humble polish man and soon the polish joke crap kind of faded into the cultural background. i started to feel good about my polish ethnicity. a decade later, peristroka and gorbachov helped me feel good about my russian half.

just stressful

2005-04-04T21:43:00.000-04:00

things have gotten way too stressful lately, especially where my friend's wedding is concerned. her bridal shower is this weekend, and i've been trying to keep trak of RSVPs and decorations and other things. people are so rude--my friend's sister had to call lots of the invites since almost half didn't respond at all, and now today i got a flood of late calls. i just don't understand people's mindsets.

i bought decorations and plates etc yesterday based on our old attendee estimate and now i have to go buy more. so fucking irritating. then i've got to get my ugly fucking bridesmaid dress fitted in a couple of weeks, and i have to bring "the shoes i'm going to wear". i don't have any shoes i'm going to wear, and have no idea where to get shoes. this whole thing is pissing me off. i'm a size 11 women's shoe, i have big fucking feet. i didn't request big feet but i have them. having an 11 size for women's shoes is like having a house with no indoor plumbing. finding shoes in my size is horrible and i usually order on the internet. that's for normal shoes. but now i've got to waste time investigating where to get butt-fucking ugly shoes that will either be dyed [how inconvenient] or a certain color. and i have to be able to walk in them all day. i'm glad this is the only friend i have who wants to get married, i couldn't stand doing this again.

its not that i don't want to be there for my friend--i do, but all this idiotic detailed stuff is driving me nuts, and there's other parts of this i'm not comfortable with either and i am trying to keep it to my self and its getting difficult. this whole thing just makes me want to fucking scream.

my 2 cents on the terry schiavo case

2005-03-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

if you haven't been hiding under a rock these last 3 weeks you are aware of the terry schiavo case and the whirlwind of media surrounding terry, her parents, her husband, jeb bush, W bush, congress, the fundamentalist christian right, and the great state of florida...an veritable cast of thousands.

everyone it seems has an opinion on this gutwrenching drama playing out in the citrus state, including me. first let me quantify--i am a christian, and born again. i believe in Jesus Christ. i also happen to have a friend who has been in a vegetative state for 10 years, the same state as terry schiavo.

in 1995 my friend barbara was in a terrible car accident. she was T-boned when a drunk driver ran a red light at a very busy intersection in the town i live in. this intersection is close to my childhood home, and i've witnessed several really bad accidents there. i've also had an accident there, as well as my mother. its a very dangerous intersection.

at the time my friend was 36, the mother of a beautiful 10 yr old girl. she was a single mother who was driving to pick her daughter up at an afterschool program after work. barbara never made it. the bumper of the other driver's car entered the driver side window and bashed in my friend's head.

my friend was rushed to the hospital. she was in a coma and her brain began to swell. brain swelling is very dangerous; unlike other body organs your brain doesn't have any place to go in your skull and once it starts to press against the skull brain damage results. doctors operated and placed an emergency shunt in barbara's head to drain brain fluid and stop the swelling. but the injury was grave and her brain had sustained massive injury.

barbara layed in a coma for 6 wks. everyone was hopeful she'd wake up and communicate with us. this didn't happen. barbara did wake up sort of--she could open her eyes, blink, move her arms and legs, and open and close her mouth, but her eyes now had a vacant stare that even newborn infants don't have. she didn't speak, didn't deliberately move her arms or legs to communicate. nothing. her family and friends [including me] were devastated.

barbara was transferred to a neurological recovery facility in edison nj to receive physical and pharmaceutical therapy--the doctors were still semi-hopeful that barbara could at some time 'wake up' from the vegetative state, but they didn't know when or how, or even if it would ever happen. the deacon from our church and i began visiting her once a week every week for an hour at a time. this was very hard for me to do. it was painful to see my friend in such a vulnerable state. like terry schiavo, barbara had a feeding tube inserted since she couldn't swallow. she couldn't walk either and was either in a bed or wheelchair throughout our visits. the only thing barbara would do voluntarily was chew on her T-shirt, a sheet, and later a towel. that was it.

during this period barbara's mother had developed breast cancer, and endured a double mastectomy. she could no longer lift anything. the deacon suggested that i help her so i began visiting betty a few times a month to help clean her house. betty was a wonderful woman, very caring, sensitive and full of life. she loved barbara dearly and despite the horrible situations she found herself in, she continued to have faith in Jesus. she was one of the most positive female role models i've ever had in my life. betty passed away in 2002 from a new cancer in her body. i still miss her.

like terry's parents, betty never gave up hope that her daughter would recover. she'd tell me and the deacon often that barbara had nodded for her or communicated in some way with her. early in our visits, upon hearing betty's hopeful stories the deacon and i would try to recreate such reactions for barbara--hoping she would nod or something for us too, anything to tell us she was in there somewhere. we never were able to get any reaction at all, and after 3 yrs of disappointments the deacon and i concluded that for the most part, betty's stories were just that--the hopefilled heart of barbara's mother desperately looking for any sign of life where there would never be one again. but the deacon and i agreed to never say anything to betty, she should be allowed to continue hoping.

after 3 yrs in therapy with no signs of recovery, barbara's condition was downgraded to a "persistent vegetative state" and she was transferred to a nearby nursing home. no further rehab was done and now her care focused on maintenance. since she cannot communicate, her care was minimal. often when visiting her there the deacon and i would find her soiled, unwashed and grimy. her teeth began falling out because no one had brushed her teeth in 4 yrs [we all fought with the facility over this and eventually oral hygene was added to her daily regiment]. in 2001 the nursing home closed and barbara was moved to another facility. at this time i stopped visiting barbara because my schedule became very heavy with school, and also because i didn't think barbara benefitted from it, nor i--i started to dread going to see her in such a hopeless condition and it made me severely depressed.

barbara is still at the new nursing home facility and her sisters take turns caring for her now. at present i am in contact with the deacon again and we plan on visiting her soon. but my friend is in the same state she was in from the time of her waking up from the coma--there hasn't been ANY improvement.

the daughter was adopted by barbara's sister. barbara has 4 sisters the daughter graduated from HS a couple years ago and is now in college. she's grown up to become a beautiful, intelligent young woman. i can't imagine how her mother's situation has affected her, but you'd never know it.

the drunk driver got away with it. the day after the accident he transferred all his assets to his sons. the family tried to sue him, but found there was nothing to gain since he now had no assets. but he must live with what he did. i hope he got help for his drinking problem. barbara's care is paid for by her family and the charity of the catholic church.

i'd known barbara since i was 15. i'd looked up to her like an older sister. during my rough marriage barbara saved my life by talking me into leaving the first time, and she'd always lent me a compassionate ear during that period when i needed to talk, even though she had an infant daughter to care for. experiencing this tragedy with barbara's family was a tough thing for me and tested my faith in God, as i'm sure it would anyone else. both her family and i are catholic, like terry's family. barbara's xhusband is also catholic, but none of us know barbara's intention--would she have wanted to live like this? we don't know the answer. barbara never told any of us. barbara is now 46 yrs old and can live another 30-40 yrs in this persistent vegetative state. is she suffering? is she content? i don't know. and perhaps the worst thing of all is not knowing a person's intention.

now that i have quantified this as to my experiences i will add my 2 cents opinion on the terry schiavo case.

1. terry was 26 when her incident occurred, too young perhaps for creating a living will. but she like any married couple, terry shared her intentions with her husband. she did not want to live like this. her husband has been fighting for her intention since the accident, and even though he could have walked away by now, after 15 yrs, he hasn't. yes he has remarried, but he didn't have to pursue this and i don't believe could have, unless he is certain of his wife's intention.

2. terry schiavo's parents, although i believe loving, are kidding themselves. the 15 second video of terry played repeatedly in the media is misleading. anyone who knows someone in a persistent vegetative state can tell you that. it looks like terry is communicating, but she isn't--her reactions are automatic lower brain functions only. there is no one there behind her vacant stare. but like barbara's mother betty, terry's parents will never give up hope their daughter will recover although that won't happen since terry's cerebral cortex, like barbara's, has turned to mush. what strikes me though is that i think the parent's have lost sight of what they are really doing and have velcroed themselves to their religion in a way that is frightening. their myopic interpretation of their faith and disregard for terry's intentions, communicated by the husband, are very out of touch with reality. they need to let go of their daughter and let her pass to find peace with God. terry would have died in 1990 had it not been for science--the same science that saved my friend. but scientific intervention is not always a good thing--especially where brains are involved since science hasn't figured out how to fix a person's brain yet. terry's body is functioning, but her brain is damaged beyond repair. is terry suffering? is she content? science can't provide the answer to this at all.

3. the intervention of W bush, his fat brother jeb, the republican congress and republican florida senate is appalling and a selfish political move for votes by the fundamentalist christian far right. the bushes and republicans don't know enough of this situation to get involved, and they have trampled upon the rights of every american citizen by arrogantly doing so. while these republican politicians are grandstanding on this issue, to act out some "morality" they say they have, they are at the same time voting away our rights, voting against needed social services for the poor, cutting budgets for poor and needy populations, as well as cutting benefits to veterans. does this sound like they really care about people? nevermind that this president, who proclaimed over the weekend we should side with "life" was once the governer of texASS--the leading capital punishment state, which has executed mentally retarded, psychologically compromised, and others who's guilt hasn't been determined beyond a reasonable doubt all in the name of JUST-US. the president, W bush, is a hypocrite. he and his family should concentrate on serving americans not fucking them over as they have for the past 5 yrs. better yet the bush family should take their McMillions, purchase an island in the pacific, migrate there, and stay there for good...all of them. they would be serving the public good by extracting themselves from our lives. that would be productive.

4. i believe that removing terry schiavo's feeding tube was the right thing to do. it is congruent with terry's intentions. she will die--but she will die in peace and be released from the suffering she's endured. her soul will finally be at peace.

so there's my 2 cents on this. the end.

No Doubt: The Return of Saturn

2005-03-17T19:46:00.000-05:00

artist are the visionaries of culture, and saturn's return has occasionally been a topic in music. in 2000 Gwen Stephanie and her group, No Doubt released the album "The Return of Saturn". when asked why the title, Gwen explained that most of the band was going thru their saturn returns. this CD released to mixed reviews, in part due to its tone--instead of the upbeat pop songs of previous releases [ala tragic kingdom] The Return of Saturn was filled with, well saturn return issues. Such as this song titled "Artificial Sweetner":

Oh yes I’m guilty
For leasing myself out
Not ready to go up for sale
Can’t seem to give it up
Stubborn, so selfish
I’m showing off the worst in me

The return of Saturn
Assessing my life
Second guessing…

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

You really deserve love
I want to love you
But I can’t seem to find myself
My wilting effort
Our progress report
I’m only sure that I’m not sure

I shudder to be honest
Who’s behind it all now?
Who’s the author?

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

Re-read, re-write, redo, undoI’m stuck on this page
I was born two weeks late
Is that why I hesitate?
I’m on the fence
Push me off it
I want to be on your side now
And keep a promise

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

....and this song, titled "Six Feet Under":
In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground

Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground
I’ll be dead and gone, no longer around

Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground
I’ll be dead and gone, no longer around
I’ll be buried six feet underground

Saturn was in Taurus in 2000, and i think the reference here to burial [meaning earth] is quite appropriate. the songs on this CD were all very dark and introspective, providing perhaps a soundtrack to a saturn return. The CD didn't sell very well, and No Doubt went back into the studio, fresh from their maturation to create "Rock Steady" which contained several catchy hits.

saturn returns: again

2005-03-17T18:49:00.000-05:00

after sun signs, many have heard of astrology's "saturn return", and know on some level it involves crisis, usually between the ages of 27-30. many rock stars have met their demise around the age of 27, including jimmy hendrix, janice joplin, and of course kurt cobain. astrologers believe their timing was no accident, and that saturns return has something to do with this, of course with rock stars this plays out in the public eye.

but i bet if you ask anyone you know thats past the age of 30 how their late 20s were, most will remember a time in their lives they won't forget--for good or bad, saturn's first return [there can be 3 in a lifetime] is usually never forgotten. i know i'll never forget mine and all the twisted karma that unravelled during that time. yes, i am past the age of 30, well past it, but not yet old enough for saturn to have returned again.

saturn returns are misunderstood however. saturn is surely a task master, and leans heavily on you when he comes back to inspect your life during those three years. but much depends on your personal saturn and where it resides, its degree and relation to the other planets in your natal chart also.

my saturn is in pisces, which is the lowest sign for saturn to reside in. pisces hates restriction, and saturn is nothing but the application of limits and restrictions of all kinds, so naturally people that are around my age have a natural aversion to discipline and taskmastering. but when saturn came due for me, when it transitted from aquarius to pisces, and during that period, the restrictions i already felt became more crystallized and set--the walls i had to climb in my life rose higher, and the amount of work i had to do increased greatly. i became more serious, more mature, in some respects my attitude in someways soured. i discovered the boundless energy i had in my youth was now channelled to boring stuff, chores i detested. but this was to be expected since saturn returns are a process of maturing and all the weight that maturity and age add to a person's life outlook.

thats not to say i stopped having fun--things eventually lightened up; but i had changed like a piece of metal forged in a fire--and the changes are difficult to quantify, but if you are an aware person whose had their return, i think you can agree that the process does change you, for better or worse. and that depends on what you've been doing the past 27 yrs of your life. its like in a casino when all the bets are called in: time to pay up.

dane rudhyar was one of the greatest astrologers of the 20th century. he wrote with passion about astrology topics and specialized in the spirituality derived from the study of astrology. late in his life he wrote about saturn:

"Saturn refers to our conscious or subconscious sense of frustration as we feel unable to perform smoothly actions in which we have involved our ego and perhaps our pride. It represents a psychological sense of pressure affecting the spontaneous and natural rhythm at which we, as a whole person (or our body as a physical organism whose functions normally operate at a particular speed), are accustomed or prefer to act."

Rudhyar's full article can be accessed here. I guess the nice thing about saturn returns is that you do experience this with a "group" since Saturn sits in one sign for over 2 years, anyone born around your birthday is also confronting similar issues at the same time, however the outcomes of the group are totally up to individual factors--so perhaps at 30 you find yourself successful, you may also find that all your friends have not faired as well. Here is another article on saturn return. it

saturn has been in cancer these past two years--bringing up topic concerned with the cancer/capricorn axis and the 4th/10th houses. these issues included security of all kinds, education, status, prestige, parents and mothers in particular, father-authority figures, discipline, cheapness or pettiness with money, ambition and "climbing to the top" of something, old people [ala the current social security crisis] and the aging of populations to name a few things. these could have been brought up on either a personal or group level. an interesting article on saturn in cancer.

those most affected during this period have been those with lots of cancer and capricorn in their charts. for instance, courtney love is a cancer sun--she's had 2 years of outlandish fortune for sure the same as george w bush, our dim leader who's had both bad and good experiences that were intense, david bowie is a capricorn sun, and last summer his tour was cancelled so he could have emergency heart surgery; he also got hit in the eye at another concert and sustained an injury. these are just examples. if your saturn is in cancer you also might have had a rough ride there, and its now winding down, i bet, thankfully.

so what about saturn in leo? well:

Saturn in Leo periods:
Establishment of sports and entertainment venues = establishment (Saturn) of entertainment (Leo)
Energy conservation = energy (Leo) conservation (Saturn)
Life's structure or life created through structure = Structure (Saturn) of Life (Leo)
Self help (self accomplishment) = Self (Leo) accomplishment (Saturn)
Serious drama = Serious (Saturn) Drama (Leo)
Authority becomes more kingly
Recorded life, or recordings, advance or take center stage = Permanent (Saturn) Life (Leo)
Science involving the Sun = Science (Saturn experiments) on Sun (Leo)
Ancient archeological discoveries made (ancient life)
Puritanical = limits (Saturn) on fun (Leo)

saturn in leo is about serious drama and self accomplishment. if you would like to know more read this. and this.

blather

2005-03-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

oh my, i haven't blogged since march 3rd. sorry about that. i've been busy, sick, busy, and sick. two rounds of antibiotics to clear sinus and ear infections...my stomach feels like someone paved it with gravel, blech. and my ear is still somewhat infected even after all of that. very aggravating. i'm going to my ent next week to check the tube in my left ear [from last summer's fiasco] and if i can hold out i'm going to ask him to check my right ear.

in other ways i'm still reliving my sept 2003-june 2004 bad experience. during that period i completed my fieldwork, wrote my treatise, had it accepted, and graduated...but during that period i also ran myself into the ground, experienced stress and anxiety on a level far above what i think i'm built to go thru, and ended up with several minor health crisises that lasted well into october. including a strep throat in june that turned into a nightmare left ear infection. 5 kinds of antibiotics, steroids, decongestants, and finally a tube inserted in late july...and it still took 3 more months for that ear to heal. the stress of school i think altered my immune system, i'd never had ear infections before. my body just reacted to all the prolonged stress.

i learned during that period that i'm best at short intense stress episodes, i'm good at chaos bursts, i can handle them ok most times and then take time to recuperate. but prolonged drawnout anxiety and stress, lack of sleep [big time], all work/no play over months at a time with no recess is my achille's heel. that period was horrible and i really thought i was losing my mind at some points. not that it was like hurricane conditions or anything, but steady heavy pressure that never let up for 8 straight months and KABLAM i unravelled physically, mentally, and spiritually 3 weeks after graduation.

so i'm a little bit worried that my right ear is going to end up in the same way the left did. to try and stop this i've been resting and taking it sort of easy the last couple of weeks, trying not to stress myself out too much, along with vitamins and decent food. i hope that helps it.

so here i am blathering on about nothing really, but actually i did want to speak briefly here on some astrology notes. first, we're still humming along in pisces, and if you haven't burst into tears, or had an emotional meltdown or epiphany of sorts by now, well, you must be made of wood. pisces is all about the end of things--and we are now approaching the "zero point" of the astrological calendar, the pisces transition into aries, like the karmic wheel or odometer on your car, the cosmic environment will shortly reset to zero as the old, wellworn, weary transitions into the newness of being. a very special time of year, signified in the northern hemisphere as spring. all those dead leaves from the scorpio fall have been pounded into mush that the new life of spring will gain life from. nothing goes to waste, physically or spiritually.

some astrologer's liken this to death and resurrection, because pisces also signifies breakdown and death, and aries is like a new plant poking out of the late winter snow, aries being about newness, beginnings, pioneering spirit, the individual's need to break away from the cosmic and find their unique identity. of course the placement of easter at this time is also no accident...the vatican employed astrologers for millenia.

he loves us and we love him too

2005-03-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

"And he has put his own Holy Spirit into our hearts as a proof to us that we are living with him and he with us. And furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now tell all the world that God sent his Son to be their Savior. Anyone who believes and says that Jesus is the Son of God has God living in him, and he is living with God. We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him. And as we live with Christ, our love grows more perfect and complete; so we will not be ashamed and embarrassed at the day of judgment, but can face him with confidence and joy because he loves us and we love him too" (1 John 4:13-17).

i hate x-mas, but i love Easter

2005-03-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

i'm not much for holidays really, like i don't feel one way or the other about most--although i can't stand xmas, its real meaning smothered under countless layers of plastic joy and red & green M&Ms.

easter is my favorite holiday, both the spiritual and secular versions. i love the secular symbolism of bunnies and brightly colored easter eggs, and the beautiful springtime that follows. spring is my favorite season, i mean, who can't get excited by spring? green grass, colorful flowers, crisp leaves, the smell of life everywhere. spring is such a miracle. unless you live in California or something, look out your window right now--everything's dead, cold, and gray--what amazes me is that things aren't as they seem, and new life, new flowers, new everything is sleeping under the blechy blanket of snow, waiting to 'spring' to life...and spring happens so fast--one day, about 5 weeks from now, everything will just go *BOING!* and pop out of nowhere. spring will have arrived.

coinciding with this theme is of course the christian easter celebration. with the spring season as a backdrop, christians meditate and celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. this year i'm especially looking forward to this; i signed up for a spiritual retreat at a jesuit monastery and will participate in the season's meditation and contemplation. like spring, the fact that Jesus died and came back to life is a miracle.

flounder, tuna, sprat, anchovy, cod, orange roughy, trout, hake, & herring

2005-02-27T23:48:00.000-05:00

today, february 27th, is my birthday. i was also born on a sunday, like today. a 'first decant' pisces, or a very 'pisces' pisces.

my friends made sure i had a very nice birthday weekend. on saturday my friend, accessg took me to the chelsea diner in NYC for a terrific brunch [complete with real fresh squeezed oj] and then to the newly renovated museum of modern art [MOMA]. moma was closed in 2002 for a complex and extensive renovation. some of the art was moved to a warehouse in queens NY, that accessg and i visited at the time. while innovative, i couldn't wait for moma to reopen. the renovation promised to almost triple the original exhibition spaces of the museum, meaning that much more of moma's extensive collections could be displayed at one time.

i wasn't disappointed; the new moma is quite large, and its exhibition spaces are wrapped around a very well designed atrium, which is nothing short of stunning. every floor has views of this beautiful, modern space, which includes windows all around to stairwells and upper pathways. its a beautiful open space with a very effective sculpture centerpiece consisting of a pyramide topped by an obelisk column--a complex shape which really ties the entire atrium space together.

i got to see some of my favorite modern artist's works on display. francis bacon was there. his paintings are unnerving, disjointed, and uncomfortable.

salvador dali is another favorite of mine, although in recent years he's been thought of as kitch, dali's making a comeback in a philadelphia exhibit now. his works are surreal and sublime.

then there's andrew wyeth and his masterpiece, christina's world. it was a pleasure to see the completed installation of such masterpieces.

i had a wonderful time. if you're ever in NYC and want to see some terrific modern art, the true modern masters, i strongly urge you to check out MOMA.

today my other friend took me to another art exhibit, this time in soho nyc. weird nj, the exhibit is a small collection of nj artists who show, thru different media, feelings of various states of modern being. the best of the pieces there, by far, was a multi-media display by greg leshe called "personal radar". his hour long video of the artist [himself] wheeling an old unstable wheelbarrel, stoked with flaming wood, around a circle track at an old missile base is harrowing. the artist suffered third degree burns from his endeavor and the video visually explains why, --even as he's getting burned he keeps stoking the wheelbarrel with more wood and the flames and sparks fly all over him as he keeps pushing the mess forward. like living in our modern world, the struggle to accomplish this task, however unstable and painful, keeps him going round and round in circles. very nice piece.

later my friend and i met up with her fiance, and we went to dinner at thai chef in montclair. very nice dinner. i had a very nice weekend thanks to my friends--THANK YOU!

lots of pisces

2005-02-23T21:06:00.000-05:00

welcome to the pisces time of year. not only is the sun now in the fishes, but mercury, and uranus too. in a few days venus will also be joining these planets in pisces. astrologically this means that things will get very piscean for most people for the next couple of weeks. emotions will run strong, feelings will show, tears, drama, empathy, and perhaps a little 'self-undoing.'

for those of you not up on the cosmic take on things this is a decent astrology website, and this pisces entry is helpful. here's an excerpt:

"Sensitive Pisces reacts emotionally to everything. You just give in to your feelings, a trait which can lay you open to control by the unscrupulous. But then, you yourself are fairminded and not at all afraid to bend unbreakable rules, should the situation demand a more humane approach. You would make an excellent judge, a sensitive administrator, or a quite inspirational teacher."

do you know a pisces? we're weird huh? maybe you find it hard to pin us down, get a straight answer, figure out how we think...we're irritatingly sensitive. it can be difficult sometimes to deal with pisces people. and believe me, we don't make things any easier for ourselves either. but then again, like the millions types of fish in the sea, there's a million types of pisces. you may have a pisces friend and not even know it--pisces symbolizes inherent malleability and strong subseptibility to outside influences. put a pisces in a room full of lawyers, they'll start spouting law-talk. put another in a room full of psychotics and they'll readily hallucinate with the bunch.

here's some general piscean personality traits: Positive: Bashful, mystical, creative, inventive, mindful and helpful of others, a developed sense of compassion and understanding of others, romantic, gentle and kind. Negative: Self deprecating and blaming, depressive, too wrapped up in the problems of others, loss of touch with reality, self pitying and too dependent.

pisces is also a constellation. from About.com: "Pisces called Ichtyes ("the fishes") by the Greeks, "Pisces" being the Latin translation. In the constellation of Pisces there's a big fish and a little fish. Aphrodite and her son, Ichthus (some versions say the god Eros was her son), were being pursued by a huge monster fish by the name of Typhon. In order to escape their nasty, monstrous pursuer, Aphrodite turns herself and her son into fishes. Together they then hid from the monster fish, Typhon, in the Euphrates River. Aphrodite (symbolizing in this case "the great mother") is the big fish and Ichthus is the small fish..."

being the last sign of the zodiac, pisces is often called the 'dustbin'. all the lessons hastily skimmed in previous incarnations end up here to be done over, this time 'with feeling'. it represents endings of all kinds. one thing most pisces know, but might not admit, is that they think in 'endings'--always visualizing how things will END, and some, if they earn karmic browny points, begin to realize that good endings are absolutely necessary for successful beginnings. crossing cosmic 't's and dotting celestial 'i's so things end well with no bad karma aftertaste is a piscean lesson. yet, sometimes things end in unplanned and disturbing ways that play havoc with one's emotions and this is another experience many fishes may be familiar with.

so what do you do if things don't end as planned? doors get shut in your face? your best friend dies suddenly in a car accident? you lose everything you own in a catastrophe? your family lets you down big time? well, that's another part of pisces--lessons of mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance. quite a tall order.

pisces can become inspiring preachers, enlightened scientists, or drunken bowery bums. all these experiences pisces tries on look for the same thing: transcendence. to reach beyond the mundane and experience oneness with God. but God can take many forms, and heaven can hide behind endless disguises. pisces feels incomplete, knows something's missing from existence on this sorry planet. whether its through art, music, religion, spirituality, drugs, alcohol, or sex, the fishes attempt to transform; to break though the veil of tears that shrouds this world in darkness to merge with the oneness and love a higher power can provide.

virgo, pisces' opposite is equipped to FIX problems, material and otherwise. perhaps you have a virgo friend--aren't they always suggesting practical solutions? most times those suggestions are quite helpful i'm sure, when the problems can be fixed (like a car, computer malfunction, organizational problem). for those things virgo is the expert, they will offer the best advice, support, and solutions hands down. but some problems can't be fixed, like the death of a loved one for instance, that's a job for pisces.

pisces isn't very good at offering practical solutions. as a matter of fact pisces solutions to practical problems can be ridiculous or silly. but, for the stuff that can't be fixed most pisces will offer emotional and spiritual comfort, and perhaps a shoulder to cry on, without judgment. pisces will feel what you're feeling, and empathize instantly. they'll feel your pain and cry with you. pisces has no emotional boundaries.

but that can be a problem. being one i know. the same empathizing characteristics can work against the fishes--turning them into suckers for sob stories by those who have no shame...leaving fishes hurt, sad, and brokenhearted once these selfish luddites get what they want. discernment [a virgo virtue] of what needs empathy and what does not is a lifelong challenge for most pisces.

during these next three weeks, while all these planets are in the fishes, many might experience this dissolution of emotional boundaries, for better or worse, and a gut feeling of wanting to transcend some situation in life...have fun!

and then there's

2005-02-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

and then there's my weekend. i went to connecticut to visit an old high school friend. i haven't seen her in a very long time. i had an ok time and all, but its funny how people change. she and i had been emailing and calling for quite some time and i knew she had a husband, kids, and a house, but seeing it all kind of stunned me. she's also got a lot going on right now, and most of it not good. her kids are great, her teenage girl is stunningly intelligent and i think my friend did a great job at raising them both.

i just got weirded out a little at how people change. i sure turned into something most in my HS didn't expect. i think most of them saw me as going nowhere fast, but instead i changed my life around, and went for an education. but i didn't want the usual husband/house/kids thing. it just wasn't for me. and i see my friend has done it--and i never expected her to. i have a feeling i weirded her out as much as she did me. alot can change in 20 yrs.

we were typical burnouts in HS. flannel shirts, ripped jeans, metal-heads. she's always been a good person and i feel bad for the situations she finds herself in now. i wish i could help her more.

i guess time flies whether you're having fun or not. just a very weird, disjointed weekend.

first, fun links

2005-02-21T20:24:00.000-05:00

top 100 gadgets of all time.
a dot for every second in the day. Exciting.
Sibology. i don't really know what to say.
i need one of these. but i don't know what it does.
george w bush is an idiot. and he has a gay-ass bald-head fetish.

when was your name popular?

2005-02-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

just like our tastes in music, art, movies, and books, our names reflect when we arrived on the scene here on planet earth. i remember that in the mid-80's "ashley" was a hugely popular name for girls, for some unknown reason. The Baby Name Wizard's Name Voyager plots any name you type in and shows its popularity thru the 20th century. i typed in my name, along with several friends and relatives (i know their ages) and sure enough, most names peaked around the time that person (including me) was born. those born in the 1920s/30s peaked then, those born in the 1950s/60, 1970s/80s peaked around their births. for instance the name "Clarabell" peaked in popularity between 1910-1920. i've never met anyone named clarabell, because they're all either in nursing homes, or have gone to the great spirit in the sky. very interesting--try it.

happy anti-VD

2005-02-16T20:08:00.000-05:00

i know, valentine's day was monday, but i found a great anti-valentine's day site. you can even send anti-VD e-greetings. here's my favorite. this ones good too.

the funness

2005-02-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

oh my gawd! PINK!

where's "the deep?" i thought it'd be fun to pretend to be something i'm not for a day. isn't this pinklett blog template soo bright n' shiny? so...PERKY?! its so me...NOT.

well, my inspiration comes from none other than my friend, accessg, who's blog, My Alluvium, recently underwent template reconstruction. accessg gave me a ride to my job today (my car being in for an Rx visit). on our way in we passed an fun accident. access' took a shot for posterity and posted it on My Alluvium.

in other news, well, there's just never a dull moment. no matter how much i try to have some peace, every day is filled with some sort of merry mayhem or disaster. today was good, but very emotionally draining. i feel like chewed cardboard right now.

for entertainment here's an interesting link to a little photo essay on the evolution of portable audio. i've owned some of these gadgets over the years, but i must admit, my iPod, Jason, is the best gadget, audio or not, i've ever owned. i used to think my portable CD player was better than sliced bread, but Jason's catalog of over 1600 songs can't be beat. everything from outcast and jay-z to nirvana and zen flute music, i'm never without a situational soundtrak.

Quahog fun

2005-02-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

look lois! she's linkin' to our Family Guy quotes page! Hehe, HEHEHE he.

thoughts about Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T18:55:00.000-05:00

happy Valentine's Day! here are my random thoughts for this day:

this day has been amped up in recent years by commercial interests; cards, candy, flowers, stuffed toys, blah, blah, blah, are all abundantly displayed by every card shop, bodega, and supermarket in the interest of selling you something to buy with the motivation of GUILT behind it. like, if you don't get your sweetie a plastic-heartfelt token of your love on this day you should feel bad. so out of guilt and consumer pressure millions purchase trashy junk and exchange it on this day. although all the ornamental crap includes the word "love", there is little in the way of real promotion for the true meaning of that word. i believe the phrase "i love you" is one of the most overused, misused, and abused in the entire english language. i think more people get hurt with that phrase than all the curse words one can muster.

so what is this 'love'? well, it is much more than the Western romantic ideal of love, which is the form of love supposedly celebrated on this day. love, in fact, is much more than this and is the noblest of qualities any person can hope for, and i feel the hardest to attain. the bible provides, i think, the truest definition of love ever:

--------------------------
Corinthians 13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or aclanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-------------------------------

love is not just some sentimental emotion to feel towards your sexual partner, i think it is the most complex feeling available to the human experience. love is not just an emotion either; it is action. love in action is a powerful thing. many times i've been to weddings where the corinthians passage is trotted out during the ceremony, and i've wondered if anyone really stopped to listen to what it means. its a very tall order, and a path to God not to be undertaken without a heart filled with sincerity.

this site explains christ's love in action, breaking down the corinthian's text with some good explanations.

st francis of assisi also spoke about active love in his meditative prayer:

----------------------------
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
----------------------------

these are my thoughts for this Valentine's Day: explore the entirety of love, go out and love others as you would love yourself, love and take care of yourself, love God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and most of all, remember that God loves each one of us more than we can ever comprehend.

"i'm sorry you feel that way" or ie: please go fuck yourself

2005-02-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

everyone has verbal triggers. mine consist of two things:

1. people whose words and actions don't match; and
2. "i'm sorry you feel that way."

maybe i'll discuss #1 in another post, but here i want to comment on the queen of all 70's pop-psych pseudo-therapist catch-phrases: I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. this phrase is an elegant way of telling those you love "FUCK YOU".

this site says it well:

***"This is NOT an apology. In this phrase, all you are doing is noting that the other person has feelings, but you are taking no responsibility. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not about your ownership of a mistake you made but focuses on the other person. In my opinion, saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a totally useless statement and says nothing of importance.

An apology is: "I'm sorry I did XXXXX. I can see that I have made a mistake and I am so sorry." The focus is on "I" not "you."***

i totally agree. when i'm in an argument with a friend and they use that phrase i just see RED. my reasoning, thought process, all that just goes out the window. its NOT an apology, and never can be. WTF does this phrase mean anyway? how can anyone with a rice-grain of emotional intelligence pass that phrase off as an apology?

back in the 70s when i was a little latch-key kid [like my genx brothers and sisters] my mom used to use that phrase on me all the time. she got it from the Ann Landers school for the Emotionally Challenged: Alanon. yes, alanon. instead of using that phrase in appropriate situations [like dealing with my dad when he tied one on] my mom decided "i'm sorry you feel that way" was an all-purpose tool to be used in any/all emotionally uncomfortable situations, usually used in place of a bonafide genuine apology. what wonders that non-apology performed!

the alienation i felt from that phrase repeated over and over sunk deep inside me. i vowed to never use that phrase as part of an apology to anyone i cared about, be it family, friend, lover, or spouse, and i've kept my word. i've never used it, except in situations where i couldn't give a fuck about the other person, usually at work in situations with those whose personalities resemble snakes or small reptiles.

but not using it myself hasn't stopped me from attracting that quality in others. which is not only annoying, it hurts. i have a habit of attracting people who can't or won't properly apologize when they are clearly wrong. i've wondered why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that its because i apologize and admit wrong too much, too easily, and sometimes when its not even my fault. i overcompensate, therefore i attract those who undercompensate.

if you're reading this and think that the form an apology takes is no big deal, well it is. although this article concerns apologies in marriage, what the author says about the words and nonverbal tones of an apology can be applied to all relationships, not just marriage. i agree with that author that "i was wrong" are the three most difficult words in the english language for someone to say, and mean it. but i also feel that genuine apologies and admissions of wrongdoing from a person's heart are the most healing gifts one person can give another in any relationship.

heartfelt apologies are healing. i know, i was on the receiving end of one once. but apologies are not just words, they need to be backed up by actions. "i was wrong, i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" without any desire to change the harmful behavior has a hollow, empty ringing sound too. there's no healing there. but the combination of words and actions to alleviate the affects of a wrong can have substantial benefits in any relationship.

the empty phrase "i'm sorry you feel that way" is a sorry way to mend a rift in a relationship, and actually shows the person's lack of emotional intelligence, as well as lack of humility. that phrase only increases the emotional distance in a relationship, and causes more pain. if you don't give a fuck about someone, its the perfect apology and should be sprinkled liberally during the argument--guaranteeing the other person will back away from further emotional intimacy with you.

tonight's movie night

2005-02-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

i got Lilo & Stitch on DVD for Christmas. it was on my amazon wish list. i love this movie. i think its the best disney animated movie since The Lion King. it kinda was under the radar in 2002, never got as much press, but i went to see it anyway and fell in love with it. i watched it over the holiday and it got me all misty-eyed all over again.

my friend never saw it, but she likes animated movies and cartoons just like me, so tonight we're going to watch Lilo & Stitch at her house. i hope she likes it as much as me. although it's got a cute blue alien, elvis music, and hawaiian backdrops, the movie contains more serious subject matter than you'd expect. one of the main themes is "family" and that in a 'real' one, 'no one gets left behind'. very powerful i think. i also like that the movie defines family beyond the old-fashioned rigid sense -- family is who you share your love with, not just your genetic composition. i don't have much of a genetic-family, and those who are related to me are not of a character quality i would want to associate with anyway, so the movie's message resonated with me. being a pisces, i'm all about cinematic emotive content, and this movie hit a nerve with me. if you like cartoons and haven't seen this, rent it, its suitable for children and adults and speaks on two-levels. the animation is top-notch, and there's no sappy-sing alongs Disney-style. some parts will break your heart, and overall you'll come away from viewing this movie in a better frame of mind.

feast of the holy foreskin

2005-02-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

did you know that many european christian churches claim to own Jesus' foreskin? now that's a relic.

the simpsons at wikipedia

2005-02-09T20:52:00.000-05:00

wikipedia is such an awsome blob of knowledge. did you know they have a very detailed list of all the Simpson characters? how can Encarta compete with that??

pottery blarn

2005-02-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

although i'm an artist i've just never been interested in pottery. i sat next to the sculpture and kiln room in art class throughout high school, and honestly, the idea of baking clay into busts and bowls just never held my interest. but i know lots of other people are into pottery.

one of the reasons i guess i never got into pottery is that i'm such a butterfinger. If a dish or bowl is breakable, i'll test it out. I don't use glass drinkware anymore since i broke every single glass i got in my divorce, even my half of a german rootbeer set, which are pretty tough to break. i'm into plastics. well, not the surgical type really, but i'm a big plastic cup and bowl fan.

so what would be more fun than to somehow get sucked into an evening of pottery making? that's what i ended up doing last night. my friend who was supposed to come with me ended up getting sick, or maybe she had second thoughts on the whole pottery thing. it was fun and all. i ended up painting two fish spoon rests - but not as ugly as that link. its hard to gauge the paint colors when painting the stuff--i hope i didn't use too much paint. since i'd break these, i'm giving one to my sick friend and the other to accessg's mom, but that's if they look good when i pick them up sunday.

i picked the fish spoon things because there really wasn't anything else interesting to paint. they had the mugs, dishes, and doo-dads to choose from, but nothing really silly. i would have luved it if they had something like this (scroll down). i often feel like a horse's ass, so that would've been perfect.

i feel funny and political

2005-02-05T19:59:00.000-05:00

no good deed goes unpunished.
----------------------------------------
i feel safer and healthier now. Thank You Bush voters!
----------------------------------------
"Well, why don't we have women-only cities and men-only cities?" Dr. Al-Rasheed asks. "Perhaps they could assign certain days of the year when we can meet our mates and breed." Dear Bush Voters: by the way, does the democracy-steamroller include other middle east countries? like saudi arabia? did you know that saudi arabia has genetically altered women that
become dyslexic and deaf during their periods? what kind of freaky society is that? how can democracy flourish there? perhaps we should use force. certainly they'd welcome us with cheers.
---------------------------------------
...i'd love to! what works best for you—when hell freezes over or when monkeys fly out of my butt?
---------------------------------------
Your job sucks, but you can still smile at work all the time. i should pin-up a photocopy in our lunchroom.
---------------------------------------
wikipedia entries that didn't make it.
---------------------------------------
hey Bush voter! have you gotten your ass down to the recruiting station yet? no? that's too bad. don't you see that a lack of recruits will reinstitute the draft, which will send you into your president's useless war, causing people to get serious about what we're doing in the middle east, thus ending the war and getting the republicans to crawl back to the roach motel they came from. if you want to make sure that all our civil liberties are erased, better get the keys to the Explorer and high-tail your fat ass now! or, round up those 18-and-up young republicans at your house and get going! times'a'wastin'.

just for fun

2005-01-30T13:01:00.000-05:00

here are a couple of fun links to balance my anthropology tirade.

really, who WOULD buy that?

...and in honor of my friend accessg, here's a cool photo site about madonna.

anthropology is so stereotyped, which is of course, an ironic irony

2005-01-30T11:50:00.000-05:00

so the new movie 'Alone in the Dark' stars party-girl tara reid as a 'brilliant anthropologist'. the stereotyped anthropologist image strikes again. how idiotic is that? apparently all the props are there - ancient culture artifacts, digging tools, and the typical attitude that anthropology is all about stones, bones, and brainy, dorky professors.

so what does tara reid say about her part? "Oh, it was great. I play an anthropologist!" She laughs, finally. "You know, my hair's up, and I'm not sexy, and I have to, well, talk anthropology! That's one of the great things about this business - you can learn so much, if you want to - beyond the script. On one movie I did, I had to learn to play bongos. I kept it up, and I'm really good now!" she says in one interview with liz smith. she learns to 'talk anthropology' for the movie. sounds really intelligent. i wonder if she learned how to dig a hole for the movie too.

so what does the prestigious discipline of Anthropology have to say about this dumbed-down stereotype? here's the AAA's website. do you see any PR on that site? none whatsoever. and there is the problem with Anthropology. or rather the image problem with it. for a social science dedicated to studying humanity, anthropology is perhaps the apex of cluelessness when it comes to defining its public image within its own culture. like the absent-minded professor who discovers the mysteries of the universe but can't match his socks, anthropology for some strange reason doesn't address its stereotyped image in popular culture, and that has produced very negative press for the discipline.

why is this important? because, as any good anthropologist knows, culture includes promotion of ideas. ideas about people, professions, apprenticeships, as well as tools and food. culture is in the human mind as much as the environment, and certainly history is repleat with the positive and negative effects of well-executed PR. remember adolph hitler? certainly not the sexiest dictator, but the PR brainwashed a whole country for a decade to murder innocent people. PR is powerful. and PR is linked with economics.

most education institutions preserve the illusion that they are devoid of corporate influences. that they are free of the ties that bind most of us in the private sector, the monetary aspects of living that involve most of the world. but this is a carefully manicured illusion, since tuition fees (whether at a lower-priced public institution, like a state school, or an overpriced private one) can't really begin to pay for everything on a university campus.

endowments from corporations aren't uncommon, and even the private grants from successful individuals really come from corporations. i mean, how can these individuals become successful and rich? they work in the private sector. unless you're a corrupt New Jersey politician public civil service jobs just can't mint millionnaires. so even the most "pure" intellectual university is beholden on some level to corporate influence. and university departments, in need of this money, must answer to any given university board of directors to keep their sub-schools and departments awash in funds to pay for such things as tenure. tenure being a two sides sword: on one hand it allows freedom to speak out, on the other it keeps some professors employed at easy jobs long past their real-world knowledge and usefulness expiration date.

as of late Anthropology departments have increasingly come under scrutiny from directoral boards. how practical is Anthropology? what can students DO with it? what are the economic profits of this study of humankind? most anthro depts have found these questions difficult if not impossible to answer, especially since so many older current phd anthro professors are so lacking in any practical real-world knowledge. none have ever had to work in the private sector, and most consider the private sector a polluted world they would rather not touch, for fear of contamination. i am not making this up.

new applicants to anthro depts have been declining for years, meaning that anthro dept's anemic enrollments don't help any university's bottom line. yet, if you ask most anthro dept directors if perhaps some PR or popular promotion might help this--they'll stare at you like a deer into headlights.

and the public's defense of anthropology? there is none. ask the person on the street what anthropology is, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom comes to mind. Right now perhaps Tara Reid's 'brilliant anthropologist' will be the flavor, but most people have not a clue as to what it is, so when Anthro depts need funding, or anything else, there's no public outrage when programs and budgets are cut. and that's why Anthropology's crappy attitude towards PR is so shocking, at least to me.

in 2004 i graduated from a state university [not necessarily the link i provide here) with an MA, or master of arts in Applied Anthropology. technically, i am an anthropologist (the applied section considers MA a terminal degree), but with a twist. what is Applied Anthropology? besides what Wikipedia says, its a fairly recent development in the hollowed ivory towers of Anthropology proper that takes anthro concepts back down to earth, applying them to real-world, modern problems that every culture, including US culture, must deal with: public health problems such as needle exchanges, AIDS education, homelessness, geriatric services, alcohol addiction, women's health issues, and urban decay just to start. our modern world is filled with policy problems that need fixing--not just in Africa and Asia, but right here in the US.

up until the 1970s Anthropology studied the far-away exotic cultures that appeared in National Geographic spreads, while Sociology handled the more mundane study of our own western culture. during the 70s Anthropology started to see a decline in new student enrollments, due mostly to the fact that PhDs in Anthro stayed at Universities in tenured positions, or performed 'fieldwork' in some exotic location no one ever heard of. as funding for anthro depts shrunk, tenure trak positions declined and graduates with anthro PhDs were jobless. what to do?

start a subdiscipline that put anthropology's theories and tools into practical use for real-world, modern problems. so the sub-discipline of Applied Anthropology was born in 1974.

fast-forward 30 yrs to 2005. so where is Applied Anthropology, savior of the discipline? on the peripheral outskirts of it, tucked away in the corner, hidden from view, not fully accepted by the more 'traditional' institutionalized PhD trak anthros. why? because applied anthro does something considered not kosher: applied anthros are taking their skills to corporate america, in droves. for example, marketing research firms are embracing corporate ethnography methods because ethnography can elucidate consumer trends much more deeply than more traditional sociological methods. many large companies today employ corporate anthropologists (applied anthros) as part of their marketing teams. but this is not acceptable to the ivory tower anthropologist back on campus. although this is a growing trend, its ignored just as much as PR issues within the discipline of Anthropology.

that's why tara reid can get away with playing a 'brilliant anthropologist' -- because many anthropologists aren't really THAT brilliant after all.

more imitation

2005-01-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

More from The Imitation of Christ

BOOK TWO: THE INTERIOR LIFE

ELEVENTH CHAPTER: Few Love The Cross of Jesus

JESUS has always many who love His heavenly kingdom, but few who bear His cross. He has many who desire consolation, but few who care for trial. He finds many to share His table, but few to take part in His fasting. All desire to be happy with Him; few wish to suffer anything for Him. Many follow Him to the breaking of bread, but few to the drinking of the chalice of His passion. Many revere His miracles; few approach the shame of the Cross. Many love Him as long as they encounter no hardship; many praise and bless Him as long as they receive some comfort from Him. But if Jesus hides Himself and leaves them for a while, they fall either into complaints or into deep dejection. Those, on the contrary, who love Him for His own sake and not for any comfort of their own, bless Him in all trial and anguish of heart as well as in the bliss of consolation. Even if He should never give them consolation, yet they would continue to praise Him and wish always to give Him thanks. What power there is in pure love for Jesus -- love that is flee from all self-interest and self-love!
-------------------------------------------
SEVENTH CHAPTER: Loving Jesus Above All Things

BLESSED is he who appreciates what it is to love Jesus and who despises himself for the sake of Jesus. Give up all other love for His, since He wishes to be loved alone above all things.

Affection for creatures is deceitful and inconstant, but the love of Jesus is true and enduring. He who clings to a creature will fall with its frailty, but he who gives himself to Jesus will ever be strengthened.

Love Him, then; keep Him as a friend. He will not leave you as others do, or let you suffer lasting death. Sometime, whether you will or not, you will have to part with everything. Cling, therefore, to Jesus in life and death; trust yourself to the glory of Him who alone can help you when all others fail.

Your Beloved is such that He will not accept what belongs to another -- He wants your heart for Himself alone, to be enthroned therein as King in His own right. If you but knew how to free yourself entirely from all creatures, Jesus would gladly dwell within you.

You will find, apart from Him, that nearly all the trust you place in men is a total loss. Therefore, neither confide in nor depend upon a wind-shaken reed, for "all flesh is grass" and all its glory, like the flower of grass, will fade away.

You will quickly be deceived if you look only to the outward appearance of men, and you will often be disappointed if you seek comfort and gain in them. If, however, you seek Jesus in all things, you will surely find Him. Likewise, if you seek yourself, you will find yourself -- to your own ruin. For the man who does not seek Jesus does himself much greater harm than the whole world and all his enemies could ever do.

and now back to that wedding

2005-01-25T11:00:00.000-05:00

although there's not much headway on the bridesmaid's dress mess, there is a complete turn around in the bridal shower arena. after 3 months of my friend saying she doesn't want a bridal shower, nor needs one [the bride and groom do have all the necessities covered] her sister, who lives 2000 miles away somehow convinced her this weekend to all of a sudden change her mind and have one.

traditionally, the maid of honor is chief of this duty. but in this case her sister elected me deputy chief to plan this, with her sister's directives. nice. after telling everyone not to bother, here we are. and the best part? this isn't to be a traditional bridal shower, in fact when i googled the sister's emailed suggestions, i realized what the sister really wants is a bachelorette party, complete with "gag" (ie: 'adult toys') gifts. she also wants me to rent a male stripper. oh, and to have this event at the groom's home. i just closed the email's window and went to bed. i am not the most stellar choice for getting this thing set up at all.

don't get me wrong. i've got my kinks and all. i think giving a bride-to-be an electric dildo that looks like Dino dinosaur from the Flinstones is the height of funniness, but it can get carried away.

there's always the safer root of a gift that can double as a banal marital aid "how exciting! my husband's dick!...?

but my tastes i think differ considerably from my friend's, and don't think it belongs in a public forum such as a party. toys, my speed anyway, involve fun, not marriage, which i've already done. completing my PhD in one with a blue seal of divorce.

i think a more conventional 'story of O" would do more nicely than this sort of affair. household products can be fun, its all in the way they're presented.

the sister wouldn't attend this--she made that clear in email. as a matter of fact her reply to me mentioned that her sister had another friend with the same name as me, and suggested i get in touch with her....followed by another email stating "duh..." you're that friend! oops. she was tricked by the "formal and suburban" tone of my email. WTF?? anyway, the fact that the sister wants this thing at the future husband's home is i think just asking for bad karma. i'm going to have to just let this sit a few days before responding, since the whole thing rubs me the absolute wrong way.

the northeastern blahs

2005-01-25T10:32:00.000-05:00

i haven't posted for a few days 'cause i've been bummed. after the disaster of a workweek i had, i was really looking forward to the weekend. you know - puttering around, shopping, maybe going for a walk, to the gym, getting errands done, just DECOMPRESSING. but, that was not to be. instead we had a shitty winter storm that stretched from noon saturday to noon sunday, making me a prisoner of my apartment, plus the stupid dig-out on sunday afternoon for my car, which was plowed in.

some people are industrious adaptors to circumstance. like, if they're prisoners of their homes for a storm, they make the best of it and clean, do home repairs, organize bills, or whatever other mindless chores that need doing, so that at least they are 'productive'. somehow able to overcome their frustration and put it to use with other tasks.

i'm not that sort of person. i'm i guess what they call 'contrary' in this sort of situation. i really wanted to go out and do things this weekend. mindless things for the most part, but things that involved not being home. sure i have plenty to do at my place, its a messy disaster. but after a soul-draining week at my job, the last thing i want to do is more work.

so what did i do? i got mad, then frustrated, then depressed. i stayed in my PJs and just watched hours of mind-numbing TV. some movies, and plenty of anal-analysis snow reports from the news networks. i also looked out my window a lot. i live on the fourth floor and my windows look out on a very popular highway, that is elevated thru my city, and runs about 50 ft from my window. i'm always in the 'know' for road conditions, and watched helplessly as i saw the traffic conditions deteriorate to a crawl as the hours went by on saturday.

in the end, all i managed to do was count about $40 of spare change i had saved and roll it up, cut out and file some magazine articles i wanted to save, and eat two servings of macaroni and cheese with some cranberry juice. so nothing got accomplished. i thought of posting here, but decided to get hypnotized by the TV instead.

i guess what really aggravated me most was that everything was A-OK on the roads by yesterday morning, just in time for another pathetic workweek to begin. not having been able to decompress over the weekend means that this workweek will be just as bad as lastweek, and even worse, since its only tuesday morning and i am firmly focused now on only GETTING TO THIS WEEKEND, and nothing else, which i hope won't have another stupid blizzard attached to it. or if there is one coming, that it comes on THursday or Monday night, which just creates problems for getting to work, which of course i don't mind at all. oh well.

thank God its friday.

2005-01-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

i'm so glad its friday. this was another bad week. yesterday wasn't so bad tho. i had to go to a seminar in NYC. took the 7:26 bus in [it runs 3 blocks from my house] met my colleagues and we walked the 2 blocks to the show. after it was over, around 5:30 i hung around times square for a couple of hours, went to the virgin mega store [they had a live band playing for tsunami relief], went to the mtv store, and just stood and watched people. it was COLD! but even in the coldest weather NYC is filled with people. then i took the bus home, got changed, went to my new favorite sushi bar that just opened, thats on the way to my gym, worked out, and fell asleep. a decent day.

today on the other hand, back in the office, is stress filled. people are just dunderheads. and there's a stupid blizzard coming to ruin the weekend. i'd better go buy milk and bread like all that other idiots tonight just in case.

in other news

2005-01-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

so i went to an astrologer this week to get some progressive charts done, all having to do with stuff i want to accomplish in 2005. she answered many of my questions and did a good job at explaining some areas of my natal chart that i wasn't fully clear on. although 2005 is a good year, it will be challenging for me, as my own needs to take care of myself and my interests are being pitted against increasingly unreasonable demands from others, both personally and professionally. if i don't take this seriously and consider my own needs first, i could have some big problems. the stress will totally compromise me. i've been stressed out for a long time, but it seems to have gotten worse in 2004. the astrologer showed me there are current aspects that like heighten my sensitivity in general, so anything that happens in my environment i will sense more loudly or intensely. ugh.

but, its all about karmic lessons anyway. this is a big test, like a final exam for me. i have to be strong and have faith in myself, and in the creator of the universe who loves me. i have to remember i can call on that anytime.

today was just miserable though, all the drama here at my job is just draining. lots of arguments today and i let myself go too, with one wunderkind overachieving snake who is a master of deception for most here, but not me since i can see right thru her behavior and lies. but she's good though, and i think she has three totally fucked up adult children to prove it. i think one's a heroin addict and another popped out a kid around 18. you can't influence that kind of dysfunction unless your a master manipulator like her. she should win an award, but then again they take pride here in hiring the most dysfunctional, angry, dishonest and manipulative persons to add spice to our day. such fulfillment.

the height of stupidity

2005-01-18T17:19:00.000-05:00

so you win a million on a reality tv show, but somehow think you can keep it a big secret from the IRS. i think that's just a crowning achievement of stupidity.