still water runs deep

so what movie did i rent? Last Days by Gus Van Sant, the director of the Columbine movie "Elephant."

when i rented it i didn't know what to expect. earlier this year it received terrible reviews when released. i knew it was loosely based on the 'last days' of kurt cobain's life, and that it was an 'art' film, and really didn't think it would be that good--i thought it would be hokey, surface, and just trying to hitch itself to the legend of cobain.

i have to say that to watch this movie one must:

1. be a big fan of nirvana.
2. have read widely about kurt cobain's life, his last year of life, and his emotional life.

if you don't have these two requirements, Last Days will be lost on you and you'll die of boredom. nothing in the movie will make sense to you, except some of the shots and costumes.

if you have the two requirements above, and are in a certain mood, this movie will make sense to you. you'll be amazed at van sant's attention to detail not only the surface stuff, but the darker emotional themes underlying them.

michael pitt, who stars as the rock star "blake" channel's kurt cobain dead on. more than the clothing and the hair, his mostly silent interpretation of this person's painful last few days on earth is painful to watch. his character is uncomfortable to watch as you know what he will eventually do. the movie doesn't show any scenes of drug use, nor the actual suicide, so the viewer is unsure where blake's madness comes from, but the mumbling with a few audible comments, the body movements, and the stare, speak of personal emotion distress that i think few could imagine.

pitt also channels cobain in two musical interludes, and does a fantastic job of conveying deep soulful emotional pain in the only way he could express it--thru music.

the movie is sprinkled with details many will miss. one is of the mention of being on 'bended knee". in one scene the video for Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" plays on a TV while blake succumbs to some inner demons. another scene shows his "friends" listening to Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" with the "bended knee" line mouthed by a listener. i think the juxtiposition of these two songs is deliberate. both lyrics contain relevant lines that pertain to the movie's themes:

Boyz II Men "On Bended Knee"

Darlin’ I can’t explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it’s drivin’ me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I’ll gurantee
That I’ll never let you go

Chorus:
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I’m down on bended knee
I’ll never walk again until you come back to me
I’m down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don’t need to be alone
I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I’m begging you, begging you come back to me

Chorus

Mike’s monolauge:
Baby, I’m sorry
Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done
Please come back home girl
I know you put all your trust in me
I’m sorry I let you down
Please forgive me

Gonna swallow my pride
Say I’m sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don’t ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love
It can heal all things
We won’t hurt anymore
No I don’t believe our love’s terminal
I’m down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Velvet Underground "Venus in Furs"

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
Whiplash girlchild in the dark
Clubs and bells, your servant, don’t forsake him
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

Downy sins of streetlight fancies
Chase the costumes she shall wear
Ermine furs adorn the imperious
Severin, severin awaits you there

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears

Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather
Shiny leather in the dark
Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

Severin, severin, speak so slightly
Severin, down on your bended knee
Taste the whip, in love not given lightly
Taste the whip, now plead for me

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather
Whiplash girlchild in the dark
Severin, your servant comes in bells, please don’t forsake him
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart

being on one's knees can be interpreted as praying, begging, submission, all acts of a sort of "surrender". the two lyrics couldn't be more different in who they address, one is sweet, talking about going back to better times and being in love, the other is a monologue also of love, but a darker connotation of love in a sense of power, control, slave, servant issues. both are about relationships out of balance, one the lighter side, the other much darker.

"On Bended Knee" also mentions putting the blame back on the person singing the song [shades of "All Apologies"?] and the second song talks about servants "serving" their master [relating to "Serve the Servants"?]. Many of Cobain's songs mention relationships that are completely out of balance--where the control rests outside of the singer's hands, as they deal with serving the "other".

Since Courtney Love wouldn't have possibly allowed a more realistic interpretation of her husband's last days, nor provide permission to use his music, i think using these songs [and the Boys II Men video] was clever to say the least.

i think the director did his homework for this movie--not only visually [pitt's Blake, his clothing, etc, the session room, etc] but seeding this movie with deeper murky emotional cues that can be noticed only if you've read more about Cobain.

I think the movie received bad reviews because many didn't understand the context. blake has no character development here--he's already done and has made his decision to end his life. all the movie shows are hints as to why he might do what he ends up completing.

the phone book salesman -- blake lets him in and listens passively. a year ago he took out an ad--did he do it to please the salesman? will he renew it? this shows blake's lack of personal boundaries and his people pleaser nature.

his "friends" -- they only approach him when in need of something, advice about writing a song, or for money. they aren't his friends, they're leeches that have helped suck him dry.

the mormans -- coming to the house to explain the christian interpretation of Christ's sacrifice is a scene very loaded with all sorts of meanings.

the detective and friend -- grant and dylan carson made two visit's to cobains home looking for him in those last days. the movie shows blake running and hiding during both visits--speculation is that cobain did the same in real life. he'd already made up his mind about what he'd do.

the older woman -- she asks blake about his daughter and apologizing to her for becoming a rock 'cliche'. is the woman a representation of cobain's mother, wendy, who said kurt had gone a 'joined that stupid club' the one populated by cliches such as hendrix, morrison, and joplin? was she a symbol of many female influences in his life, all of them trying to provide nurturing and protection? it doesn't matter since she leaves without blake anyway.

i give this effort 4 out of 5 stars. but i'm a big nirvana fan and have read extensively on cobain's life. this isn't an entertainment movie, but a meditation on someone's deep emotional crisis. if you're into that sort of thing, rent this, you won't be disappointed.

holiday meltdown report: parking lot guzzling

black friday - the day i stay away from the malls. too much hyperactive shopping. instead i returned a DVD to my local rental store, situated in an L-shaped stripmall that includes a chinese restaurant, cardshop, radioshack, staples, dunkin donuts, and a liquor store. this place isn't in the better part of town. its situated in the poorer, more ethnically mixed section. i don't care, the prices in this stripmall are cheap.

so i was sorta curious to see a man dressed in a suit and wool coat sitting in his silver ragtop saab there. i passed him while walking from my car to the west coast video. he looked totally out of place sitting there, reading the NYT.

after returning my DVD, i got a cup of coffee at D&D, and walked back to my car, approaching the saab from behind. and then it made sense. the guy was sipping from a bottle hidden in a paper bag. he took a swig and hid it again as soon as he noticed me approaching his car. aha! i thought--you're hiding here in this shithole stripmail drinking your cheap liquor before going to some family related thing like shopping or who knows--its a holiday meltdown moment!

the holidays bring out the best people have to offer don't they? NOT!

holiday meltdown begins

first, i think turkeys are cool. they're the oddest looking things, but beautiful. here's some turkey links:

wikiturkey
turkeyfacts
turkeyhistory [scroll down for article]
turkeyjokes

this post is dedicated to all those who for whatever reason, don't like the holidays. not because the holidays themselves are awful, but because of the plastic meaning and artificial emotional filler shoved down our throats by our western culture. this false brevity amplifies bad memories, strains families, and causes untold bouts of anxiety and depression.

if you're relating to this, then know you're not alone. our society shuts off during times like this, and those who don't play along with the plastic joy, well, sometimes its hard on these days.

i've done the family thing, guest of significant others sibling thing, the family with guest thing, the married with inlaws as guest thing, guest of the inlaws thing, child of a single parent as guest of her friends thing, sitting at the kids table thing, divorced friends getting together thing, serving dinner to the homeless thing, attending the church's meal thing, not celebrating, celebrating, going to the movies…
i've done the holidays as many ways as i can and this year i'm burnt out. i just don't care its a fucking holiday.

part of this i think comes from the forced nature of this time of year. its embedded deep in our culture on religious, economic, political, mythic, and pop culture levels and cuts across most of the other blather usually holding court. there's no escape. even google has a turkey in their logo today.

don't misunderstand, i think the ideas of thanksgiving, christmas, hanuka, and kwanza are terrific. today, a day of "thanksgiving" is really not about the turkey, or the family, or whatever, its about gratitude to God for what a person has been blessed with in their life.

its the iconic surface 'blessing' idea i don't like. God chooses to bestow his blessings in uncountable ways. some people get large loving families that get closer at the holidays, some people get material things like houses and financial security, some get good jobs where they're respected by their coworkers, and meaningful work. others are blessed, but not in that way. perhaps, thru no fault of their own they have a dysfunctional family, or no family at all, maybe they're poor, even though they have a job, but the office is dysfunctional, where psychopaths are rewarded for aggressive bullying behavior. but maybe those same people are blessed in other ways.

maybe they've been blessed with artistic talent, inner strength, resourcefulness, intelligence, and imagination, things intangible, but priceless. these are blessings too. possessing them is no guarantee of anything, but neither is a large family, material goods, or an important job--those things can be taken away in a heartbeat. blessings that reside inside a person cannot be stolen from them, or taken by greed. these intangible blessings, hidden from the world's view are those i think about and am grateful for on this holiday.

so if you're not perpetuating the mediocre standard today but instead counting your hidden blessings--i wish you a happy thanksgiving!

peace

i had a really nice weekend away. it was so peaceful i even 'napped' on saturday during the middle of the day. i usually never nap, i'm too high-strung. napping on saturday afternoon told me i was in the right place and had allowed myself to take in the peaceful atmosphere.

where was i? a jesuit retreat house about 45 min from my home. i went on a "silent" retreat meaning that the 60-100 people who attend take a vow of silence until lunch on sunday. we don't talk to each other. instead we either listen to some of the material presented to us by the retreat leader, or to that small voice inside us, or maybe to God. the goal of a silent retreat is to disconnect from the world for a little while, like a refreshing glass of iced tea or dip in the pool, to sort of wake up from the negativity and nastiness that surrounds us in the world.

silent retreats aren't for everyone, some people come to this one and discover they can't shut up for a weekend. so they find other retreats where there is no silent vow. i prefer the silence. in my everyday life i'm always "on" even when alone. by last friday i was ready to club someone over all the aggravation of the past few weeks. although today, monday, was back in the negative/nasty world, i'm still calm and at peace, since the retreat atmosphere sort of stays with me a few days. i wish i could keep this feeling in the trunk of my car so i can use it thru the year. unfortunately this world doesn't work that way. oh well.

for the non-elitist

a tough week. last night i went to the movies with a friend, a nice break. "Saw 2" was the feature--great movie! not just an empty headed horror film ala "Friday the 13th", the plot wasn't easy to figure out. forget about predicting what would happen next! i hate predictable horror films. Saw 2 kept me on the edge of my chair the entire time--and also had a twisted & satisfying ending. if you like intelligent horror films, i recommend Saw 2.

i'm off for a weekend away. alot to think about in many areas of my life. i hate how sometimes one thing really gets to me, and i end of thinking about it, without answers, until i'm sick of thinking. but i have something now that is kind of getting to me, a dilemma, in a sense and i hope by sunday i'll have an answer.

my dilemma includes the value of an education in american society, and the stratified social ladder created purposely by the elite. i won't be citing any empiracle data here--just how i feel. i mean, it is MY blog.

intelligence comes in many flavors, not just "IQ", there's relational, emotional, creative, artistic, intuitive...all kinds of intelligence. intelligence is a blend of genetics + environmental factors and isn't bounded by race, ethnicity, gender, age, economic circumstances, anything like that. that's what i believe. although developing a person's intelligence, to lets say an "ivy league" placement takes more than just braincells or cunning. it takes lots of money, stable parents and siblings [if you've got them], and many other factors. if you happen not to have the correct environmental factors going for you, despite a high intelligence, you're probably never going to see the campus of an ivy league school.

i live in the northeast US, where ivy league is a supposed "big deal", but i've read that in other parts of the country, its not considered with the same 'esteem' it gets here. if you don't know what ivy league is, go read about it on Wikipedia. but its big here--and can affect your future. the environmental factors, such as financial well-offness, family connections, stable home environment, are always downplayed here--as if a non ivy league education mean's you're dumb. no kidding.

i'm certainly not dumb, but not ivy league branded either. not that i couldn't have been based on my intelligence. i'm intelligent enough, but all those other factors just mentioned, well, i didn't have any of them going for me. at one point i was so depressed in HS i didn't even want to go to University at all and had no opportunities either, so i thought i'd just end up at a nail salon or post office or something. that's not to say that non-college educated people are dumb--there aren't at all, but they too suffer from our society's perception of intelligence and intellect 'branding'.

my father, who wasn't college-educated, or rich, or still married to my mother, was the force behind my going to college at all, at of course the local 3rd tier state college since that's all we could afford. i went part time for a very very long time to achieve the degrees i have now, including my masters just last year. all those years i worked full time, got married, then divorced, lived in various situations, etc, i still attended school. i did my art projects, readings, studying, etc at school, in the library, at home, at work, in my car, at the park, at youth groups, anywhere i could find the time. people used to laugh when i'd bring my textbooks to read during after church coffee get togethers, but since school was such a long haul for me, i didn't have a choice because dropping out of the real world, like full-time students can do, wasn't an option for me.

although it severely limited me in many ways, my long term tenure at university has been a great education all in and of itself. i've watched as the university administrations changed, policies changed, students changed, the way courses were taught and their technologies changed, how those changes affected where i got my info, how i studied, how i perceived my environment, etc. like a macro-view. i've now been using this store of experience to my benefit and am grateful, but at the same time i've been challenged.

stressful sunday

ever look forward to a nice weekend after a shitty week at work and have it turn into a circus? if "yes" then you can relate with me.

saturday was great. very productive day. i volunteered at a craftfair for a charity fundraiser. we earned almost $900 selling snaks to craftfair browsers that will go to some good charities. then i had a productive "working" dinner w/a friend that turned into a great brainstorming session for some things i have in the works. i also got my car washed and cleaned [it was filthy], and did some food shopping too. got in and got to bed early. great day.

sunday i woke up in a positive mood--thinking saturday's good vibes would spill over in to sunday. instead i guess i paid for saturday with sunday's murky, argumentative, aggravating, and annoying events.

a sucky, shitty sunday. wasting time in petty arguments, miscommunications, and with hearts that need to develop more kindness.

now doesn't that make you feel better?

ocean pulls me close, and whispers in my ear
the destiny I've chose, all becoming clear
the currents have their say, the time is drawing near
washes me away, makes me disappear

I descend from grace, in arms of undertow
I will take my place, in the great below

I can still feel you, even so far away

i loved NIN's concert last night at MSG! a great show! Mr. Reznor is such an intense person--that whole Taurus/Scorpio thing i guess. the show's themes included both sign's symbols. Taurus was representin' with lines like "empire of dirt", "bite the hand that feeds" [taurus 'rules' the mouth, throat, and jaw], and videos of nature--fields of wheat, grazing cows, a dairycow plaque in the supermarket yogurt section. Scorpio came in with lyrics like "i'd rather die than give you control", the nature video scened depicting baboons trapping and eating a swan, parasitic worms, and the rotting bodies on the Iraqi battefield. both parts of the Taurus/Scorpio polarity were well represented here, over a background of this pair's incredibly intense energies.

the "teeth" on his stageset--well, they were sorta abstract teeth, lined up in two rows, but they were pixelated and uneven. they reminded me of the building shards that stuck up in the 9-11 rubble photos. mixed meanings, mixed symbolism, it was excellent.

vivid colored lights were used to emphasize the intense emotionality of his songs. turquois blues, brilliant purples and yellows, flaming reds and orange. each song different. i don't have a set list, but NIN played thru the entire catalog, including the wretched, head like a hole, closer, march of the pigs, hand that feeds, terrible lie, and only. hurt and you know what you are? were really great. the music's force made everyone feel like one -- great show!

speaking of intense, the only video is beautifully done. the whole thing takes place on a desk with a cup of coffee, an apple powerbook, itunes, sliding bearings, and that little nail-press chotchkie everyone got for xmas. reznor sings thru the nails, a nice touch.



i'm becoming less defined as days go by
fading away and well you might say i'm losing focus
kind of drifting to the abstract in terms of how i see myself
sometimes i think i can see right through myself

less concerned about fitting into the world
you're world that is
'cause it doesn't really matter anymore
none of this…really matters anymore

1981

Autour de moi - Je ne vois pas
Qui sont les anges - Surement pas moi - Encore une fois
Je suis cassée - Encore une fois - Je n'y crois pas

[All around me - I could not see
Who are the angels - Surely not me - Once more again
I am broken - Once more again - I don't believe it]


I've been so high, I've been so down
Up to the skies, Down to the ground

There is a light, Above my head
Into your eyes, My face remains


yesterday my friend showed me the new madonna video for "hung up". the video wasn't what i'd expected for this dance song. i probably need to view it a few more times to catch the details.

one thing that struck me is the time period madonna framed the video in. although i'm not as old as her, i'm not young either. i've lived thru a few decades--experiencing their fashions, cultures, and moods. so when i saw the composition of the hung up video, i noticed the retro-period details were reproduced flawlessly.



i'm guessing madonna's video portrays the year 1981. although some elements may hint at the late 70's, the boombox, breakdancing, and video arcade scene make me say 1981. there where no video arcades before 1981. 81-88 was the height of the video arcade era. pacman, defender, centipede, digdug, frogger, space invaders, asteriods--all the classic games arrived during that time. nintendo and atari home systems were really expensive, personal PCs capable of videogaming didn't exist, so videogame playing took place in arcades that also became places to socialize, and many included loud music piped in overhead. the music ranged from arena rock to disco and dance. except for sugarhill's song there was no rap or hip hop. in 1981 the town i grew up in had 3 arcades, with other videogames available at local diners and laundrymats. videogames were like the ipods of the early 1980s.



madonna's hairstyle is purely "70s leftover". straight and flat with a 'swooshy' curling iron flip on the long front bangs. although that style began in the late 70s, plenty of curling irons broke thru 1982 trying to get the swoosh-flip just right. then came the "big hair" of 1983+, made popular by trashy Jersey girls everywhere. that period also signified the rise of the popular mens style, the "mullet", usually worn with acid washed jeans or parachute pants. during this time the Gap sold Levis jeans, not classically styled oxfords and khakis. the "Gap" name was slang for "generation gap" which was a hot topic of conversation in the early 1970s when the "Gap" stores were founded by hippie-leftoveratures. no, i'm not old enough to have shopped in that version of the Gap. i just remember their tv commercials.



the boombox or "ghetto blaster" in the video is also pure early 1980s. Radios started getting big in the late 70s, but the height of oversized things like that in the video was early 80s--during the genesis of rap and hip hop. Ghettomeisters everywhere would congregate on streetcorners, pumping out dance music for breakdancing competitions. 1981 was right before the onset of the CD-ROM, which made boomboxes and cassette tapes obsolete.

madonna's dance outfit is the typical Jane Fonda workoutwear, as well as Saturday Night Fever [1977], Flashdance [1982], and Fame [1984] wannabees. 1980s was the polishing of the 70's disco dance era into movies and TV shows. the colorful tights and button-shirt overlay is right out of a Danskin dance apparell catalog circa 1981. The dance hall madonna dances in throughout the video is a reminder of Saturday Night Fever and Stayin' Alive movie scenes that took place in dance studios. other dancers of that era included Barishnokov and Gregory Heinz, who i think starred in some aweful 80s films together.



some of the dancing in the video is extaordinary--the flexibility and acrobatics some of the dancers display is incredible. i can't even come close to the pretzel twists that go on during the video. i can't even stand up straight most days.

i would love to know why madonna chose to imitate the early 1980s for this video. the song doesn't sound like its from that era, nor do the lyrics imply anything "1980ish". i do know madonna came to NYC in the very late 70s and studied dance with Alvin Aily, a famous dance instructor of that time. maybe she wanted to incorporate that mood into her new CD somehow. by the way, i think madonna's in better shape now than during the early 80s. she seems centered and more sure of herself.



i was able to catch her MTV special this weekend too. unlike other performers from the 1980s, madonna has grown with the times. she lives her spirituality and uses it to do positive things that not only benefit her, but also those who tour with her, and her fans. during the special she keeps mentioning God as "the light"--moving towards the light, etc. as a metaphor for spiritual journey. trying to share that the world--to spread positive, not negative energy. sure, she had her moments in the 90s when the spirituality was nowhere to be found, but it seems that by exploring darker things she found the "light". she's also put up with lots of idiotic criticism, even from Elton John, of all people, and people seem to think its ok to bash her, which i don't think is fair. maybe its because she's a successful woman. but you've got to give her credit for her constant innovative reinvention of herself, which has gotten her pretty far and led her to the more mature, centered, and spiritual space she's at now. i give her alot of credit and admire her tenacity and ability to ignore idiots.

she's also got my respect for telling Courtney Love to fuck off. madonna could smell bullshit like that miles away. not afraid to be herself, try new things, and make mistakes as well as successful endeavors. it takes alot to succeed, but more to fail, recover, and try again.

time goes by

no this post isn't about madonna or her new song "hung up", that'll be a post later. but i agree wiht her that time goes by, but much faster than she implies. time goes by too quickly and i still can't get anything done! i feel so scattered lately but also adventurous. uranus in pisces is nudging me to just try anything new. experimentation can go two ways--you like the new thing and adopt it, throwing away the old thing; or find the new thing, when compared to the old one, can't compete, so you go back to the old thing with some appreciation for what you have. either way its fun.

on the astro chart this week's lineup is quite watery. jupiter entered scorpio last week for a year's stay, sun's in scorpio also, and now the moon is too. they all trine the uranus in pisces thing, so there's like a water grand trine now in the heavens. emotions flow like water--happy, sad, peppy, mad--everyone's feelings are on their sleeve. mars is in taurus, which opposes all the scorpio stuff, although it sextiles the uranus pisces thing. this opposition focuses on controlling behaviors, power struggles, hidden agendas, enemies, dark or underhanded dealings. death, regeneration, values, possessions, luxury [or lack of it], and resources.

what better way to enjoy all the scorpio, trine, and scorpio-taurus opposition energies than to attend a Nine Inch Nails concert? i'd mentioned before that Trent Reznor, a Taurus, expresses himself thru music and style that could only be described as full Scorpio energy. The blending of Reznor's taurean earthiness with his dark feelings makes his music intense. with all the current aspects this show should be great. i can't wait to go.