my 2 cents on the terry schiavo case

if you haven't been hiding under a rock these last 3 weeks you are aware of the terry schiavo case and the whirlwind of media surrounding terry, her parents, her husband, jeb bush, W bush, congress, the fundamentalist christian right, and the great state of florida...an veritable cast of thousands.

everyone it seems has an opinion on this gutwrenching drama playing out in the citrus state, including me. first let me quantify--i am a christian, and born again. i believe in Jesus Christ. i also happen to have a friend who has been in a vegetative state for 10 years, the same state as terry schiavo.

in 1995 my friend barbara was in a terrible car accident. she was T-boned when a drunk driver ran a red light at a very busy intersection in the town i live in. this intersection is close to my childhood home, and i've witnessed several really bad accidents there. i've also had an accident there, as well as my mother. its a very dangerous intersection.

at the time my friend was 36, the mother of a beautiful 10 yr old girl. she was a single mother who was driving to pick her daughter up at an afterschool program after work. barbara never made it. the bumper of the other driver's car entered the driver side window and bashed in my friend's head.

my friend was rushed to the hospital. she was in a coma and her brain began to swell. brain swelling is very dangerous; unlike other body organs your brain doesn't have any place to go in your skull and once it starts to press against the skull brain damage results. doctors operated and placed an emergency shunt in barbara's head to drain brain fluid and stop the swelling. but the injury was grave and her brain had sustained massive injury.

barbara layed in a coma for 6 wks. everyone was hopeful she'd wake up and communicate with us. this didn't happen. barbara did wake up sort of--she could open her eyes, blink, move her arms and legs, and open and close her mouth, but her eyes now had a vacant stare that even newborn infants don't have. she didn't speak, didn't deliberately move her arms or legs to communicate. nothing. her family and friends [including me] were devastated.

barbara was transferred to a neurological recovery facility in edison nj to receive physical and pharmaceutical therapy--the doctors were still semi-hopeful that barbara could at some time 'wake up' from the vegetative state, but they didn't know when or how, or even if it would ever happen. the deacon from our church and i began visiting her once a week every week for an hour at a time. this was very hard for me to do. it was painful to see my friend in such a vulnerable state. like terry schiavo, barbara had a feeding tube inserted since she couldn't swallow. she couldn't walk either and was either in a bed or wheelchair throughout our visits. the only thing barbara would do voluntarily was chew on her T-shirt, a sheet, and later a towel. that was it.

during this period barbara's mother had developed breast cancer, and endured a double mastectomy. she could no longer lift anything. the deacon suggested that i help her so i began visiting betty a few times a month to help clean her house. betty was a wonderful woman, very caring, sensitive and full of life. she loved barbara dearly and despite the horrible situations she found herself in, she continued to have faith in Jesus. she was one of the most positive female role models i've ever had in my life. betty passed away in 2002 from a new cancer in her body. i still miss her.

like terry's parents, betty never gave up hope that her daughter would recover. she'd tell me and the deacon often that barbara had nodded for her or communicated in some way with her. early in our visits, upon hearing betty's hopeful stories the deacon and i would try to recreate such reactions for barbara--hoping she would nod or something for us too, anything to tell us she was in there somewhere. we never were able to get any reaction at all, and after 3 yrs of disappointments the deacon and i concluded that for the most part, betty's stories were just that--the hopefilled heart of barbara's mother desperately looking for any sign of life where there would never be one again. but the deacon and i agreed to never say anything to betty, she should be allowed to continue hoping.

after 3 yrs in therapy with no signs of recovery, barbara's condition was downgraded to a "persistent vegetative state" and she was transferred to a nearby nursing home. no further rehab was done and now her care focused on maintenance. since she cannot communicate, her care was minimal. often when visiting her there the deacon and i would find her soiled, unwashed and grimy. her teeth began falling out because no one had brushed her teeth in 4 yrs [we all fought with the facility over this and eventually oral hygene was added to her daily regiment]. in 2001 the nursing home closed and barbara was moved to another facility. at this time i stopped visiting barbara because my schedule became very heavy with school, and also because i didn't think barbara benefitted from it, nor i--i started to dread going to see her in such a hopeless condition and it made me severely depressed.

barbara is still at the new nursing home facility and her sisters take turns caring for her now. at present i am in contact with the deacon again and we plan on visiting her soon. but my friend is in the same state she was in from the time of her waking up from the coma--there hasn't been ANY improvement.

the daughter was adopted by barbara's sister. barbara has 4 sisters the daughter graduated from HS a couple years ago and is now in college. she's grown up to become a beautiful, intelligent young woman. i can't imagine how her mother's situation has affected her, but you'd never know it.

the drunk driver got away with it. the day after the accident he transferred all his assets to his sons. the family tried to sue him, but found there was nothing to gain since he now had no assets. but he must live with what he did. i hope he got help for his drinking problem. barbara's care is paid for by her family and the charity of the catholic church.

i'd known barbara since i was 15. i'd looked up to her like an older sister. during my rough marriage barbara saved my life by talking me into leaving the first time, and she'd always lent me a compassionate ear during that period when i needed to talk, even though she had an infant daughter to care for. experiencing this tragedy with barbara's family was a tough thing for me and tested my faith in God, as i'm sure it would anyone else. both her family and i are catholic, like terry's family. barbara's xhusband is also catholic, but none of us know barbara's intention--would she have wanted to live like this? we don't know the answer. barbara never told any of us. barbara is now 46 yrs old and can live another 30-40 yrs in this persistent vegetative state. is she suffering? is she content? i don't know. and perhaps the worst thing of all is not knowing a person's intention.

now that i have quantified this as to my experiences i will add my 2 cents opinion on the terry schiavo case.

1. terry was 26 when her incident occurred, too young perhaps for creating a living will. but she like any married couple, terry shared her intentions with her husband. she did not want to live like this. her husband has been fighting for her intention since the accident, and even though he could have walked away by now, after 15 yrs, he hasn't. yes he has remarried, but he didn't have to pursue this and i don't believe could have, unless he is certain of his wife's intention.

2. terry schiavo's parents, although i believe loving, are kidding themselves. the 15 second video of terry played repeatedly in the media is misleading. anyone who knows someone in a persistent vegetative state can tell you that. it looks like terry is communicating, but she isn't--her reactions are automatic lower brain functions only. there is no one there behind her vacant stare. but like barbara's mother betty, terry's parents will never give up hope their daughter will recover although that won't happen since terry's cerebral cortex, like barbara's, has turned to mush. what strikes me though is that i think the parent's have lost sight of what they are really doing and have velcroed themselves to their religion in a way that is frightening. their myopic interpretation of their faith and disregard for terry's intentions, communicated by the husband, are very out of touch with reality. they need to let go of their daughter and let her pass to find peace with God. terry would have died in 1990 had it not been for science--the same science that saved my friend. but scientific intervention is not always a good thing--especially where brains are involved since science hasn't figured out how to fix a person's brain yet. terry's body is functioning, but her brain is damaged beyond repair. is terry suffering? is she content? science can't provide the answer to this at all.

3. the intervention of W bush, his fat brother jeb, the republican congress and republican florida senate is appalling and a selfish political move for votes by the fundamentalist christian far right. the bushes and republicans don't know enough of this situation to get involved, and they have trampled upon the rights of every american citizen by arrogantly doing so. while these republican politicians are grandstanding on this issue, to act out some "morality" they say they have, they are at the same time voting away our rights, voting against needed social services for the poor, cutting budgets for poor and needy populations, as well as cutting benefits to veterans. does this sound like they really care about people? nevermind that this president, who proclaimed over the weekend we should side with "life" was once the governer of texASS--the leading capital punishment state, which has executed mentally retarded, psychologically compromised, and others who's guilt hasn't been determined beyond a reasonable doubt all in the name of JUST-US. the president, W bush, is a hypocrite. he and his family should concentrate on serving americans not fucking them over as they have for the past 5 yrs. better yet the bush family should take their McMillions, purchase an island in the pacific, migrate there, and stay there for good...all of them. they would be serving the public good by extracting themselves from our lives. that would be productive.

4. i believe that removing terry schiavo's feeding tube was the right thing to do. it is congruent with terry's intentions. she will die--but she will die in peace and be released from the suffering she's endured. her soul will finally be at peace.

so there's my 2 cents on this. the end.

No Doubt: The Return of Saturn

artist are the visionaries of culture, and saturn's return has occasionally been a topic in music. in 2000 Gwen Stephanie and her group, No Doubt released the album "The Return of Saturn". when asked why the title, Gwen explained that most of the band was going thru their saturn returns. this CD released to mixed reviews, in part due to its tone--instead of the upbeat pop songs of previous releases [ala tragic kingdom] The Return of Saturn was filled with, well saturn return issues. Such as this song titled "Artificial Sweetner":

Oh yes I’m guilty
For leasing myself out
Not ready to go up for sale
Can’t seem to give it up
Stubborn, so selfish
I’m showing off the worst in me

The return of Saturn
Assessing my life
Second guessing…

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

You really deserve love
I want to love you
But I can’t seem to find myself
My wilting effort
Our progress report
I’m only sure that I’m not sure

I shudder to be honest
Who’s behind it all now?
Who’s the author?

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

Re-read, re-write, redo, undoI’m stuck on this page
I was born two weeks late
Is that why I hesitate?
I’m on the fence
Push me off it
I want to be on your side now
And keep a promise

I’m full of artificial sweetener
My heart’s been deceitful
It’s all artificial sweetener
I’m faking I love you’s
You’re forcing me to

....and this song, titled "Six Feet Under":
In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground

Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground
I’ll be dead and gone, no longer around

Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day…
Hard to believe
But I’ll be buried six feet underground
I’ll be dead and gone, no longer around
I’ll be buried six feet underground

Saturn was in Taurus in 2000, and i think the reference here to burial [meaning earth] is quite appropriate. the songs on this CD were all very dark and introspective, providing perhaps a soundtrack to a saturn return. The CD didn't sell very well, and No Doubt went back into the studio, fresh from their maturation to create "Rock Steady" which contained several catchy hits.

saturn returns: again

after sun signs, many have heard of astrology's "saturn return", and know on some level it involves crisis, usually between the ages of 27-30. many rock stars have met their demise around the age of 27, including jimmy hendrix, janice joplin, and of course kurt cobain. astrologers believe their timing was no accident, and that saturns return has something to do with this, of course with rock stars this plays out in the public eye.

but i bet if you ask anyone you know thats past the age of 30 how their late 20s were, most will remember a time in their lives they won't forget--for good or bad, saturn's first return [there can be 3 in a lifetime] is usually never forgotten. i know i'll never forget mine and all the twisted karma that unravelled during that time. yes, i am past the age of 30, well past it, but not yet old enough for saturn to have returned again.

saturn returns are misunderstood however. saturn is surely a task master, and leans heavily on you when he comes back to inspect your life during those three years. but much depends on your personal saturn and where it resides, its degree and relation to the other planets in your natal chart also.

my saturn is in pisces, which is the lowest sign for saturn to reside in. pisces hates restriction, and saturn is nothing but the application of limits and restrictions of all kinds, so naturally people that are around my age have a natural aversion to discipline and taskmastering. but when saturn came due for me, when it transitted from aquarius to pisces, and during that period, the restrictions i already felt became more crystallized and set--the walls i had to climb in my life rose higher, and the amount of work i had to do increased greatly. i became more serious, more mature, in some respects my attitude in someways soured. i discovered the boundless energy i had in my youth was now channelled to boring stuff, chores i detested. but this was to be expected since saturn returns are a process of maturing and all the weight that maturity and age add to a person's life outlook.

thats not to say i stopped having fun--things eventually lightened up; but i had changed like a piece of metal forged in a fire--and the changes are difficult to quantify, but if you are an aware person whose had their return, i think you can agree that the process does change you, for better or worse. and that depends on what you've been doing the past 27 yrs of your life. its like in a casino when all the bets are called in: time to pay up.

dane rudhyar was one of the greatest astrologers of the 20th century. he wrote with passion about astrology topics and specialized in the spirituality derived from the study of astrology. late in his life he wrote about saturn:

"Saturn refers to our conscious or subconscious sense of frustration as we feel unable to perform smoothly actions in which we have involved our ego and perhaps our pride. It represents a psychological sense of pressure affecting the spontaneous and natural rhythm at which we, as a whole person (or our body as a physical organism whose functions normally operate at a particular speed), are accustomed or prefer to act."

Rudhyar's full article can be accessed here. I guess the nice thing about saturn returns is that you do experience this with a "group" since Saturn sits in one sign for over 2 years, anyone born around your birthday is also confronting similar issues at the same time, however the outcomes of the group are totally up to individual factors--so perhaps at 30 you find yourself successful, you may also find that all your friends have not faired as well. Here is another article on saturn return. it

saturn has been in cancer these past two years--bringing up topic concerned with the cancer/capricorn axis and the 4th/10th houses. these issues included security of all kinds, education, status, prestige, parents and mothers in particular, father-authority figures, discipline, cheapness or pettiness with money, ambition and "climbing to the top" of something, old people [ala the current social security crisis] and the aging of populations to name a few things. these could have been brought up on either a personal or group level. an interesting article on saturn in cancer.

those most affected during this period have been those with lots of cancer and capricorn in their charts. for instance, courtney love is a cancer sun--she's had 2 years of outlandish fortune for sure the same as george w bush, our dim leader who's had both bad and good experiences that were intense, david bowie is a capricorn sun, and last summer his tour was cancelled so he could have emergency heart surgery; he also got hit in the eye at another concert and sustained an injury. these are just examples. if your saturn is in cancer you also might have had a rough ride there, and its now winding down, i bet, thankfully.

so what about saturn in leo? well:

Saturn in Leo periods:
Establishment of sports and entertainment venues = establishment (Saturn) of entertainment (Leo)
Energy conservation = energy (Leo) conservation (Saturn)
Life's structure or life created through structure = Structure (Saturn) of Life (Leo)
Self help (self accomplishment) = Self (Leo) accomplishment (Saturn)
Serious drama = Serious (Saturn) Drama (Leo)
Authority becomes more kingly
Recorded life, or recordings, advance or take center stage = Permanent (Saturn) Life (Leo)
Science involving the Sun = Science (Saturn experiments) on Sun (Leo)
Ancient archeological discoveries made (ancient life)
Puritanical = limits (Saturn) on fun (Leo)

saturn in leo is about serious drama and self accomplishment. if you would like to know more read this. and this.

blather

oh my, i haven't blogged since march 3rd. sorry about that. i've been busy, sick, busy, and sick. two rounds of antibiotics to clear sinus and ear infections...my stomach feels like someone paved it with gravel, blech. and my ear is still somewhat infected even after all of that. very aggravating. i'm going to my ent next week to check the tube in my left ear [from last summer's fiasco] and if i can hold out i'm going to ask him to check my right ear.

in other ways i'm still reliving my sept 2003-june 2004 bad experience. during that period i completed my fieldwork, wrote my treatise, had it accepted, and graduated...but during that period i also ran myself into the ground, experienced stress and anxiety on a level far above what i think i'm built to go thru, and ended up with several minor health crisises that lasted well into october. including a strep throat in june that turned into a nightmare left ear infection. 5 kinds of antibiotics, steroids, decongestants, and finally a tube inserted in late july...and it still took 3 more months for that ear to heal. the stress of school i think altered my immune system, i'd never had ear infections before. my body just reacted to all the prolonged stress.

i learned during that period that i'm best at short intense stress episodes, i'm good at chaos bursts, i can handle them ok most times and then take time to recuperate. but prolonged drawnout anxiety and stress, lack of sleep [big time], all work/no play over months at a time with no recess is my achille's heel. that period was horrible and i really thought i was losing my mind at some points. not that it was like hurricane conditions or anything, but steady heavy pressure that never let up for 8 straight months and KABLAM i unravelled physically, mentally, and spiritually 3 weeks after graduation.

so i'm a little bit worried that my right ear is going to end up in the same way the left did. to try and stop this i've been resting and taking it sort of easy the last couple of weeks, trying not to stress myself out too much, along with vitamins and decent food. i hope that helps it.

so here i am blathering on about nothing really, but actually i did want to speak briefly here on some astrology notes. first, we're still humming along in pisces, and if you haven't burst into tears, or had an emotional meltdown or epiphany of sorts by now, well, you must be made of wood. pisces is all about the end of things--and we are now approaching the "zero point" of the astrological calendar, the pisces transition into aries, like the karmic wheel or odometer on your car, the cosmic environment will shortly reset to zero as the old, wellworn, weary transitions into the newness of being. a very special time of year, signified in the northern hemisphere as spring. all those dead leaves from the scorpio fall have been pounded into mush that the new life of spring will gain life from. nothing goes to waste, physically or spiritually.

some astrologer's liken this to death and resurrection, because pisces also signifies breakdown and death, and aries is like a new plant poking out of the late winter snow, aries being about newness, beginnings, pioneering spirit, the individual's need to break away from the cosmic and find their unique identity. of course the placement of easter at this time is also no accident...the vatican employed astrologers for millenia.

he loves us and we love him too

"And he has put his own Holy Spirit into our hearts as a proof to us that we are living with him and he with us. And furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now tell all the world that God sent his Son to be their Savior. Anyone who believes and says that Jesus is the Son of God has God living in him, and he is living with God. We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.  And as we live with Christ, our love grows more perfect and complete; so we will not be ashamed and embarrassed at the day of judgment, but can face him with confidence and joy because he loves us and we love him too" (1 John 4:13-17).

i hate *x-mas*, but i love Easter

i'm not much for holidays really, like i don't feel one way or the other about most--although i can't stand xmas, its real meaning smothered under countless layers of plastic joy and red & green M&Ms.

easter is my favorite holiday, both the spiritual and secular versions. i love the secular symbolism of bunnies and brightly colored easter eggs, and the beautiful springtime that follows. spring is my favorite season, i mean, who can't get excited by spring? green grass, colorful flowers, crisp leaves, the smell of life everywhere. spring is such a miracle. unless you live in California or something, look out your window right now--everything's dead, cold, and gray--what amazes me is that things aren't as they seem, and new life, new flowers, new everything is sleeping under the blechy blanket of snow, waiting to 'spring' to life...and spring happens so fast--one day, about 5 weeks from now, everything will just go *BOING!* and pop out of nowhere. spring will have arrived.

coinciding with this theme is of course the christian easter celebration. with the spring season as a backdrop, christians meditate and celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. this year i'm especially looking forward to this; i signed up for a spiritual retreat at a jesuit monastery and will participate in the season's meditation and contemplation. like spring, the fact that Jesus died and came back to life is a miracle.