today, february 27th, is my birthday. i was also born on a sunday, like today. a 'first decant' pisces, or a very 'pisces' pisces.
my friends made sure i had a very nice birthday weekend. on saturday my friend, accessg took me to the chelsea diner in NYC for a terrific brunch [complete with real fresh squeezed oj] and then to the newly renovated museum of modern art [MOMA]. moma was closed in 2002 for a complex and extensive renovation. some of the art was moved to a warehouse in queens NY, that accessg and i visited at the time. while innovative, i couldn't wait for moma to reopen. the renovation promised to almost triple the original exhibition spaces of the museum, meaning that much more of moma's extensive collections could be displayed at one time.
i wasn't disappointed; the new moma is quite large, and its exhibition spaces are wrapped around a very well designed atrium, which is nothing short of stunning. every floor has views of this beautiful, modern space, which includes windows all around to stairwells and upper pathways. its a beautiful open space with a very effective sculpture centerpiece consisting of a pyramide topped by an obelisk column--a complex shape which really ties the entire atrium space together.
i got to see some of my favorite modern artist's works on display. francis bacon was there. his paintings are unnerving, disjointed, and uncomfortable.
salvador dali is another favorite of mine, although in recent years he's been thought of as kitch, dali's making a comeback in a philadelphia exhibit now. his works are surreal and sublime.
then there's andrew wyeth and his masterpiece, christina's world. it was a pleasure to see the completed installation of such masterpieces.
i had a wonderful time. if you're ever in NYC and want to see some terrific modern art, the true modern masters, i strongly urge you to check out MOMA.
today my other friend took me to another art exhibit, this time in soho nyc. weird nj, the exhibit is a small collection of nj artists who show, thru different media, feelings of various states of modern being. the best of the pieces there, by far, was a multi-media display by greg leshe called "personal radar". his hour long video of the artist [himself] wheeling an old unstable wheelbarrel, stoked with flaming wood, around a circle track at an old missile base is harrowing. the artist suffered third degree burns from his endeavor and the video visually explains why, --even as he's getting burned he keeps stoking the wheelbarrel with more wood and the flames and sparks fly all over him as he keeps pushing the mess forward. like living in our modern world, the struggle to accomplish this task, however unstable and painful, keeps him going round and round in circles. very nice piece.
later my friend and i met up with her fiance, and we went to dinner at thai chef in montclair. very nice dinner. i had a very nice weekend thanks to my friends--THANK YOU!
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
lots of pisces
welcome to the pisces time of year. not only is the sun now in the fishes, but mercury, and uranus too. in a few days venus will also be joining these planets in pisces. astrologically this means that things will get very piscean for most people for the next couple of weeks. emotions will run strong, feelings will show, tears, drama, empathy, and perhaps a little 'self-undoing.'
for those of you not up on the cosmic take on things this is a decent astrology website, and this pisces entry is helpful. here's an excerpt:
"Sensitive Pisces reacts emotionally to everything. You just give in to your feelings, a trait which can lay you open to control by the unscrupulous. But then, you yourself are fairminded and not at all afraid to bend unbreakable rules, should the situation demand a more humane approach. You would make an excellent judge, a sensitive administrator, or a quite inspirational teacher."
do you know a pisces? we're weird huh? maybe you find it hard to pin us down, get a straight answer, figure out how we think...we're irritatingly sensitive. it can be difficult sometimes to deal with pisces people. and believe me, we don't make things any easier for ourselves either. but then again, like the millions types of fish in the sea, there's a million types of pisces. you may have a pisces friend and not even know it--pisces symbolizes inherent malleability and strong subseptibility to outside influences. put a pisces in a room full of lawyers, they'll start spouting law-talk. put another in a room full of psychotics and they'll readily hallucinate with the bunch.
here's some general piscean personality traits: Positive: Bashful, mystical, creative, inventive, mindful and helpful of others, a developed sense of compassion and understanding of others, romantic, gentle and kind. Negative: Self deprecating and blaming, depressive, too wrapped up in the problems of others, loss of touch with reality, self pitying and too dependent.
pisces is also a constellation. from About.com: "Pisces called Ichtyes ("the fishes") by the Greeks, "Pisces" being the Latin translation. In the constellation of Pisces there's a big fish and a little fish. Aphrodite and her son, Ichthus (some versions say the god Eros was her son), were being pursued by a huge monster fish by the name of Typhon. In order to escape their nasty, monstrous pursuer, Aphrodite turns herself and her son into fishes. Together they then hid from the monster fish, Typhon, in the Euphrates River. Aphrodite (symbolizing in this case "the great mother") is the big fish and Ichthus is the small fish..."
being the last sign of the zodiac, pisces is often called the 'dustbin'. all the lessons hastily skimmed in previous incarnations end up here to be done over, this time 'with feeling'. it represents endings of all kinds. one thing most pisces know, but might not admit, is that they think in 'endings'--always visualizing how things will END, and some, if they earn karmic browny points, begin to realize that good endings are absolutely necessary for successful beginnings. crossing cosmic 't's and dotting celestial 'i's so things end well with no bad karma aftertaste is a piscean lesson. yet, sometimes things end in unplanned and disturbing ways that play havoc with one's emotions and this is another experience many fishes may be familiar with.
so what do you do if things don't end as planned? doors get shut in your face? your best friend dies suddenly in a car accident? you lose everything you own in a catastrophe? your family lets you down big time? well, that's another part of pisces--lessons of mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance. quite a tall order.
pisces can become inspiring preachers, enlightened scientists, or drunken bowery bums. all these experiences pisces tries on look for the same thing: transcendence. to reach beyond the mundane and experience oneness with God. but God can take many forms, and heaven can hide behind endless disguises. pisces feels incomplete, knows something's missing from existence on this sorry planet. whether its through art, music, religion, spirituality, drugs, alcohol, or sex, the fishes attempt to transform; to break though the veil of tears that shrouds this world in darkness to merge with the oneness and love a higher power can provide.
virgo, pisces' opposite is equipped to FIX problems, material and otherwise. perhaps you have a virgo friend--aren't they always suggesting practical solutions? most times those suggestions are quite helpful i'm sure, when the problems can be fixed (like a car, computer malfunction, organizational problem). for those things virgo is the expert, they will offer the best advice, support, and solutions hands down. but some problems can't be fixed, like the death of a loved one for instance, that's a job for pisces.
pisces isn't very good at offering practical solutions. as a matter of fact pisces solutions to practical problems can be ridiculous or silly. but, for the stuff that can't be fixed most pisces will offer emotional and spiritual comfort, and perhaps a shoulder to cry on, without judgment. pisces will feel what you're feeling, and empathize instantly. they'll feel your pain and cry with you. pisces has no emotional boundaries.
but that can be a problem. being one i know. the same empathizing characteristics can work against the fishes--turning them into suckers for sob stories by those who have no shame...leaving fishes hurt, sad, and brokenhearted once these selfish luddites get what they want. discernment [a virgo virtue] of what needs empathy and what does not is a lifelong challenge for most pisces.
during these next three weeks, while all these planets are in the fishes, many might experience this dissolution of emotional boundaries, for better or worse, and a gut feeling of wanting to transcend some situation in life...have fun!
for those of you not up on the cosmic take on things this is a decent astrology website, and this pisces entry is helpful. here's an excerpt:
"Sensitive Pisces reacts emotionally to everything. You just give in to your feelings, a trait which can lay you open to control by the unscrupulous. But then, you yourself are fairminded and not at all afraid to bend unbreakable rules, should the situation demand a more humane approach. You would make an excellent judge, a sensitive administrator, or a quite inspirational teacher."
do you know a pisces? we're weird huh? maybe you find it hard to pin us down, get a straight answer, figure out how we think...we're irritatingly sensitive. it can be difficult sometimes to deal with pisces people. and believe me, we don't make things any easier for ourselves either. but then again, like the millions types of fish in the sea, there's a million types of pisces. you may have a pisces friend and not even know it--pisces symbolizes inherent malleability and strong subseptibility to outside influences. put a pisces in a room full of lawyers, they'll start spouting law-talk. put another in a room full of psychotics and they'll readily hallucinate with the bunch.
here's some general piscean personality traits: Positive: Bashful, mystical, creative, inventive, mindful and helpful of others, a developed sense of compassion and understanding of others, romantic, gentle and kind. Negative: Self deprecating and blaming, depressive, too wrapped up in the problems of others, loss of touch with reality, self pitying and too dependent.
pisces is also a constellation. from About.com: "Pisces called Ichtyes ("the fishes") by the Greeks, "Pisces" being the Latin translation. In the constellation of Pisces there's a big fish and a little fish. Aphrodite and her son, Ichthus (some versions say the god Eros was her son), were being pursued by a huge monster fish by the name of Typhon. In order to escape their nasty, monstrous pursuer, Aphrodite turns herself and her son into fishes. Together they then hid from the monster fish, Typhon, in the Euphrates River. Aphrodite (symbolizing in this case "the great mother") is the big fish and Ichthus is the small fish..."
being the last sign of the zodiac, pisces is often called the 'dustbin'. all the lessons hastily skimmed in previous incarnations end up here to be done over, this time 'with feeling'. it represents endings of all kinds. one thing most pisces know, but might not admit, is that they think in 'endings'--always visualizing how things will END, and some, if they earn karmic browny points, begin to realize that good endings are absolutely necessary for successful beginnings. crossing cosmic 't's and dotting celestial 'i's so things end well with no bad karma aftertaste is a piscean lesson. yet, sometimes things end in unplanned and disturbing ways that play havoc with one's emotions and this is another experience many fishes may be familiar with.
so what do you do if things don't end as planned? doors get shut in your face? your best friend dies suddenly in a car accident? you lose everything you own in a catastrophe? your family lets you down big time? well, that's another part of pisces--lessons of mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance. quite a tall order.
pisces can become inspiring preachers, enlightened scientists, or drunken bowery bums. all these experiences pisces tries on look for the same thing: transcendence. to reach beyond the mundane and experience oneness with God. but God can take many forms, and heaven can hide behind endless disguises. pisces feels incomplete, knows something's missing from existence on this sorry planet. whether its through art, music, religion, spirituality, drugs, alcohol, or sex, the fishes attempt to transform; to break though the veil of tears that shrouds this world in darkness to merge with the oneness and love a higher power can provide.
virgo, pisces' opposite is equipped to FIX problems, material and otherwise. perhaps you have a virgo friend--aren't they always suggesting practical solutions? most times those suggestions are quite helpful i'm sure, when the problems can be fixed (like a car, computer malfunction, organizational problem). for those things virgo is the expert, they will offer the best advice, support, and solutions hands down. but some problems can't be fixed, like the death of a loved one for instance, that's a job for pisces.
pisces isn't very good at offering practical solutions. as a matter of fact pisces solutions to practical problems can be ridiculous or silly. but, for the stuff that can't be fixed most pisces will offer emotional and spiritual comfort, and perhaps a shoulder to cry on, without judgment. pisces will feel what you're feeling, and empathize instantly. they'll feel your pain and cry with you. pisces has no emotional boundaries.
but that can be a problem. being one i know. the same empathizing characteristics can work against the fishes--turning them into suckers for sob stories by those who have no shame...leaving fishes hurt, sad, and brokenhearted once these selfish luddites get what they want. discernment [a virgo virtue] of what needs empathy and what does not is a lifelong challenge for most pisces.
during these next three weeks, while all these planets are in the fishes, many might experience this dissolution of emotional boundaries, for better or worse, and a gut feeling of wanting to transcend some situation in life...have fun!
Monday, February 21, 2005
and then there's
and then there's my weekend. i went to connecticut to visit an old high school friend. i haven't seen her in a very long time. i had an ok time and all, but its funny how people change. she and i had been emailing and calling for quite some time and i knew she had a husband, kids, and a house, but seeing it all kind of stunned me. she's also got a lot going on right now, and most of it not good. her kids are great, her teenage girl is stunningly intelligent and i think my friend did a great job at raising them both.
i just got weirded out a little at how people change. i sure turned into something most in my HS didn't expect. i think most of them saw me as going nowhere fast, but instead i changed my life around, and went for an education. but i didn't want the usual husband/house/kids thing. it just wasn't for me. and i see my friend has done it--and i never expected her to. i have a feeling i weirded her out as much as she did me. alot can change in 20 yrs.
we were typical burnouts in HS. flannel shirts, ripped jeans, metal-heads. she's always been a good person and i feel bad for the situations she finds herself in now. i wish i could help her more.
i guess time flies whether you're having fun or not. just a very weird, disjointed weekend.
i just got weirded out a little at how people change. i sure turned into something most in my HS didn't expect. i think most of them saw me as going nowhere fast, but instead i changed my life around, and went for an education. but i didn't want the usual husband/house/kids thing. it just wasn't for me. and i see my friend has done it--and i never expected her to. i have a feeling i weirded her out as much as she did me. alot can change in 20 yrs.
we were typical burnouts in HS. flannel shirts, ripped jeans, metal-heads. she's always been a good person and i feel bad for the situations she finds herself in now. i wish i could help her more.
i guess time flies whether you're having fun or not. just a very weird, disjointed weekend.
first, fun links
top 100 gadgets of all time.
a dot for every second in the day. Exciting.
Sibology. i don't really know what to say.
i need one of these. but i don't know what it does.
george w bush is an idiot. and he has a gay-ass bald-head fetish.
a dot for every second in the day. Exciting.
Sibology. i don't really know what to say.
i need one of these. but i don't know what it does.
george w bush is an idiot. and he has a gay-ass bald-head fetish.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
when was your name popular?
just like our tastes in music, art, movies, and books, our names reflect when we arrived on the scene here on planet earth. i remember that in the mid-80's "ashley" was a hugely popular name for girls, for some unknown reason. The Baby Name Wizard's Name Voyager plots any name you type in and shows its popularity thru the 20th century. i typed in my name, along with several friends and relatives (i know their ages) and sure enough, most names peaked around the time that person (including me) was born. those born in the 1920s/30s peaked then, those born in the 1950s/60, 1970s/80s peaked around their births. for instance the name "Clarabell" peaked in popularity between 1910-1920. i've never met anyone named clarabell, because they're all either in nursing homes, or have gone to the great spirit in the sky. very interesting--try it.
happy anti-VD
i know, valentine's day was monday, but i found a great anti-valentine's day site. you can even send anti-VD e-greetings. here's my favorite. this ones good too.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
the funness
oh my gawd! PINK!
where's "the deep?" i thought it'd be fun to pretend to be something i'm not for a day. isn't this pinklett blog template soo bright n' shiny? so...PERKY?! its so me...NOT.
well, my inspiration comes from none other than my friend, accessg, who's blog, My Alluvium, recently underwent template reconstruction. accessg gave me a ride to my job today (my car being in for an Rx visit). on our way in we passed an fun accident. access' took a shot for posterity and posted it on My Alluvium.
in other news, well, there's just never a dull moment. no matter how much i try to have some peace, every day is filled with some sort of merry mayhem or disaster. today was good, but very emotionally draining. i feel like chewed cardboard right now.
for entertainment here's an interesting link to a little photo essay on the evolution of portable audio. i've owned some of these gadgets over the years, but i must admit, my iPod, Jason, is the best gadget, audio or not, i've ever owned. i used to think my portable CD player was better than sliced bread, but Jason's catalog of over 1600 songs can't be beat. everything from outcast and jay-z to nirvana and zen flute music, i'm never without a situational soundtrak.
where's "the deep?" i thought it'd be fun to pretend to be something i'm not for a day. isn't this pinklett blog template soo bright n' shiny? so...PERKY?! its so me...NOT.
well, my inspiration comes from none other than my friend, accessg, who's blog, My Alluvium, recently underwent template reconstruction. accessg gave me a ride to my job today (my car being in for an Rx visit). on our way in we passed an fun accident. access' took a shot for posterity and posted it on My Alluvium.
in other news, well, there's just never a dull moment. no matter how much i try to have some peace, every day is filled with some sort of merry mayhem or disaster. today was good, but very emotionally draining. i feel like chewed cardboard right now.
for entertainment here's an interesting link to a little photo essay on the evolution of portable audio. i've owned some of these gadgets over the years, but i must admit, my iPod, Jason, is the best gadget, audio or not, i've ever owned. i used to think my portable CD player was better than sliced bread, but Jason's catalog of over 1600 songs can't be beat. everything from outcast and jay-z to nirvana and zen flute music, i'm never without a situational soundtrak.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Quahog fun
Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.
look lois! she's linkin' to our Family Guy quotes page! Hehe, HEHEHE he.
look lois! she's linkin' to our Family Guy quotes page! Hehe, HEHEHE he.
thoughts about Valentine's Day
happy Valentine's Day! here are my random thoughts for this day:
this day has been amped up in recent years by commercial interests; cards, candy, flowers, stuffed toys, blah, blah, blah, are all abundantly displayed by every card shop, bodega, and supermarket in the interest of selling you something to buy with the motivation of GUILT behind it. like, if you don't get your sweetie a plastic-heartfelt token of your love on this day you should feel bad. so out of guilt and consumer pressure millions purchase trashy junk and exchange it on this day. although all the ornamental crap includes the word "love", there is little in the way of real promotion for the true meaning of that word. i believe the phrase "i love you" is one of the most overused, misused, and abused in the entire english language. i think more people get hurt with that phrase than all the curse words one can muster.
so what is this 'love'? well, it is much more than the Western romantic ideal of love, which is the form of love supposedly celebrated on this day. love, in fact, is much more than this and is the noblest of qualities any person can hope for, and i feel the hardest to attain. the bible provides, i think, the truest definition of love ever:
--------------------------
Corinthians 13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or aclanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-------------------------------
love is not just some sentimental emotion to feel towards your sexual partner, i think it is the most complex feeling available to the human experience. love is not just an emotion either; it is action. love in action is a powerful thing. many times i've been to weddings where the corinthians passage is trotted out during the ceremony, and i've wondered if anyone really stopped to listen to what it means. its a very tall order, and a path to God not to be undertaken without a heart filled with sincerity.
this site explains christ's love in action, breaking down the corinthian's text with some good explanations.
st francis of assisi also spoke about active love in his meditative prayer:
----------------------------
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
----------------------------
these are my thoughts for this Valentine's Day: explore the entirety of love, go out and love others as you would love yourself, love and take care of yourself, love God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and most of all, remember that God loves each one of us more than we can ever comprehend.
this day has been amped up in recent years by commercial interests; cards, candy, flowers, stuffed toys, blah, blah, blah, are all abundantly displayed by every card shop, bodega, and supermarket in the interest of selling you something to buy with the motivation of GUILT behind it. like, if you don't get your sweetie a plastic-heartfelt token of your love on this day you should feel bad. so out of guilt and consumer pressure millions purchase trashy junk and exchange it on this day. although all the ornamental crap includes the word "love", there is little in the way of real promotion for the true meaning of that word. i believe the phrase "i love you" is one of the most overused, misused, and abused in the entire english language. i think more people get hurt with that phrase than all the curse words one can muster.
so what is this 'love'? well, it is much more than the Western romantic ideal of love, which is the form of love supposedly celebrated on this day. love, in fact, is much more than this and is the noblest of qualities any person can hope for, and i feel the hardest to attain. the bible provides, i think, the truest definition of love ever:
--------------------------
Corinthians 13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or aclanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-------------------------------
love is not just some sentimental emotion to feel towards your sexual partner, i think it is the most complex feeling available to the human experience. love is not just an emotion either; it is action. love in action is a powerful thing. many times i've been to weddings where the corinthians passage is trotted out during the ceremony, and i've wondered if anyone really stopped to listen to what it means. its a very tall order, and a path to God not to be undertaken without a heart filled with sincerity.
this site explains christ's love in action, breaking down the corinthian's text with some good explanations.
st francis of assisi also spoke about active love in his meditative prayer:
----------------------------
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
----------------------------
these are my thoughts for this Valentine's Day: explore the entirety of love, go out and love others as you would love yourself, love and take care of yourself, love God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and most of all, remember that God loves each one of us more than we can ever comprehend.
Friday, February 11, 2005
"i'm sorry you feel that way" or ie: please go fuck yourself
everyone has verbal triggers. mine consist of two things:
1. people whose words and actions don't match; and
2. "i'm sorry you feel that way."
maybe i'll discuss #1 in another post, but here i want to comment on the queen of all 70's pop-psych pseudo-therapist catch-phrases: I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. this phrase is an elegant way of telling those you love "FUCK YOU".
this site says it well:
***"This is NOT an apology. In this phrase, all you are doing is noting that the other person has feelings, but you are taking no responsibility. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not about your ownership of a mistake you made but focuses on the other person. In my opinion, saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a totally useless statement and says nothing of importance.
An apology is: "I'm sorry I did XXXXX. I can see that I have made a mistake and I am so sorry." The focus is on "I" not "you."***
i totally agree. when i'm in an argument with a friend and they use that phrase i just see RED. my reasoning, thought process, all that just goes out the window. its NOT an apology, and never can be. WTF does this phrase mean anyway? how can anyone with a rice-grain of emotional intelligence pass that phrase off as an apology?
back in the 70s when i was a little latch-key kid [like my genx brothers and sisters] my mom used to use that phrase on me all the time. she got it from the Ann Landers school for the Emotionally Challenged: Alanon. yes, alanon. instead of using that phrase in appropriate situations [like dealing with my dad when he tied one on] my mom decided "i'm sorry you feel that way" was an all-purpose tool to be used in any/all emotionally uncomfortable situations, usually used in place of a bonafide genuine apology. what wonders that non-apology performed!
the alienation i felt from that phrase repeated over and over sunk deep inside me. i vowed to never use that phrase as part of an apology to anyone i cared about, be it family, friend, lover, or spouse, and i've kept my word. i've never used it, except in situations where i couldn't give a fuck about the other person, usually at work in situations with those whose personalities resemble snakes or small reptiles.
but not using it myself hasn't stopped me from attracting that quality in others. which is not only annoying, it hurts. i have a habit of attracting people who can't or won't properly apologize when they are clearly wrong. i've wondered why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that its because i apologize and admit wrong too much, too easily, and sometimes when its not even my fault. i overcompensate, therefore i attract those who undercompensate.
if you're reading this and think that the form an apology takes is no big deal, well it is. although this article concerns apologies in marriage, what the author says about the words and nonverbal tones of an apology can be applied to all relationships, not just marriage. i agree with that author that "i was wrong" are the three most difficult words in the english language for someone to say, and mean it. but i also feel that genuine apologies and admissions of wrongdoing from a person's heart are the most healing gifts one person can give another in any relationship.
heartfelt apologies are healing. i know, i was on the receiving end of one once. but apologies are not just words, they need to be backed up by actions. "i was wrong, i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" without any desire to change the harmful behavior has a hollow, empty ringing sound too. there's no healing there. but the combination of words and actions to alleviate the affects of a wrong can have substantial benefits in any relationship.
the empty phrase "i'm sorry you feel that way" is a sorry way to mend a rift in a relationship, and actually shows the person's lack of emotional intelligence, as well as lack of humility. that phrase only increases the emotional distance in a relationship, and causes more pain. if you don't give a fuck about someone, its the perfect apology and should be sprinkled liberally during the argument--guaranteeing the other person will back away from further emotional intimacy with you.
1. people whose words and actions don't match; and
2. "i'm sorry you feel that way."
maybe i'll discuss #1 in another post, but here i want to comment on the queen of all 70's pop-psych pseudo-therapist catch-phrases: I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. this phrase is an elegant way of telling those you love "FUCK YOU".
this site says it well:
***"This is NOT an apology. In this phrase, all you are doing is noting that the other person has feelings, but you are taking no responsibility. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not about your ownership of a mistake you made but focuses on the other person. In my opinion, saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a totally useless statement and says nothing of importance.
An apology is: "I'm sorry I did XXXXX. I can see that I have made a mistake and I am so sorry." The focus is on "I" not "you."***
i totally agree. when i'm in an argument with a friend and they use that phrase i just see RED. my reasoning, thought process, all that just goes out the window. its NOT an apology, and never can be. WTF does this phrase mean anyway? how can anyone with a rice-grain of emotional intelligence pass that phrase off as an apology?
back in the 70s when i was a little latch-key kid [like my genx brothers and sisters] my mom used to use that phrase on me all the time. she got it from the Ann Landers school for the Emotionally Challenged: Alanon. yes, alanon. instead of using that phrase in appropriate situations [like dealing with my dad when he tied one on] my mom decided "i'm sorry you feel that way" was an all-purpose tool to be used in any/all emotionally uncomfortable situations, usually used in place of a bonafide genuine apology. what wonders that non-apology performed!
the alienation i felt from that phrase repeated over and over sunk deep inside me. i vowed to never use that phrase as part of an apology to anyone i cared about, be it family, friend, lover, or spouse, and i've kept my word. i've never used it, except in situations where i couldn't give a fuck about the other person, usually at work in situations with those whose personalities resemble snakes or small reptiles.
but not using it myself hasn't stopped me from attracting that quality in others. which is not only annoying, it hurts. i have a habit of attracting people who can't or won't properly apologize when they are clearly wrong. i've wondered why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that its because i apologize and admit wrong too much, too easily, and sometimes when its not even my fault. i overcompensate, therefore i attract those who undercompensate.
if you're reading this and think that the form an apology takes is no big deal, well it is. although this article concerns apologies in marriage, what the author says about the words and nonverbal tones of an apology can be applied to all relationships, not just marriage. i agree with that author that "i was wrong" are the three most difficult words in the english language for someone to say, and mean it. but i also feel that genuine apologies and admissions of wrongdoing from a person's heart are the most healing gifts one person can give another in any relationship.
heartfelt apologies are healing. i know, i was on the receiving end of one once. but apologies are not just words, they need to be backed up by actions. "i was wrong, i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" without any desire to change the harmful behavior has a hollow, empty ringing sound too. there's no healing there. but the combination of words and actions to alleviate the affects of a wrong can have substantial benefits in any relationship.
the empty phrase "i'm sorry you feel that way" is a sorry way to mend a rift in a relationship, and actually shows the person's lack of emotional intelligence, as well as lack of humility. that phrase only increases the emotional distance in a relationship, and causes more pain. if you don't give a fuck about someone, its the perfect apology and should be sprinkled liberally during the argument--guaranteeing the other person will back away from further emotional intimacy with you.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
tonight's movie night
i got Lilo & Stitch on DVD for Christmas. it was on my amazon wish list. i love this movie. i think its the best disney animated movie since The Lion King. it kinda was under the radar in 2002, never got as much press, but i went to see it anyway and fell in love with it. i watched it over the holiday and it got me all misty-eyed all over again.
my friend never saw it, but she likes animated movies and cartoons just like me, so tonight we're going to watch Lilo & Stitch at her house. i hope she likes it as much as me. although it's got a cute blue alien, elvis music, and hawaiian backdrops, the movie contains more serious subject matter than you'd expect. one of the main themes is "family" and that in a 'real' one, 'no one gets left behind'. very powerful i think. i also like that the movie defines family beyond the old-fashioned rigid sense -- family is who you share your love with, not just your genetic composition. i don't have much of a genetic-family, and those who are related to me are not of a character quality i would want to associate with anyway, so the movie's message resonated with me. being a pisces, i'm all about cinematic emotive content, and this movie hit a nerve with me. if you like cartoons and haven't seen this, rent it, its suitable for children and adults and speaks on two-levels. the animation is top-notch, and there's no sappy-sing alongs Disney-style. some parts will break your heart, and overall you'll come away from viewing this movie in a better frame of mind.
my friend never saw it, but she likes animated movies and cartoons just like me, so tonight we're going to watch Lilo & Stitch at her house. i hope she likes it as much as me. although it's got a cute blue alien, elvis music, and hawaiian backdrops, the movie contains more serious subject matter than you'd expect. one of the main themes is "family" and that in a 'real' one, 'no one gets left behind'. very powerful i think. i also like that the movie defines family beyond the old-fashioned rigid sense -- family is who you share your love with, not just your genetic composition. i don't have much of a genetic-family, and those who are related to me are not of a character quality i would want to associate with anyway, so the movie's message resonated with me. being a pisces, i'm all about cinematic emotive content, and this movie hit a nerve with me. if you like cartoons and haven't seen this, rent it, its suitable for children and adults and speaks on two-levels. the animation is top-notch, and there's no sappy-sing alongs Disney-style. some parts will break your heart, and overall you'll come away from viewing this movie in a better frame of mind.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
feast of the holy foreskin
did you know that many european christian churches claim to own Jesus' foreskin? now that's a relic.
the simpsons at wikipedia
wikipedia is such an awsome blob of knowledge. did you know they have a very detailed list of all the Simpson characters? how can Encarta compete with that??
pottery blarn
although i'm an artist i've just never been interested in pottery. i sat next to the sculpture and kiln room in art class throughout high school, and honestly, the idea of baking clay into busts and bowls just never held my interest. but i know lots of other people are into pottery.
one of the reasons i guess i never got into pottery is that i'm such a butterfinger. If a dish or bowl is breakable, i'll test it out. I don't use glass drinkware anymore since i broke every single glass i got in my divorce, even my half of a german rootbeer set, which are pretty tough to break. i'm into plastics. well, not the surgical type really, but i'm a big plastic cup and bowl fan.
so what would be more fun than to somehow get sucked into an evening of pottery making? that's what i ended up doing last night. my friend who was supposed to come with me ended up getting sick, or maybe she had second thoughts on the whole pottery thing. it was fun and all. i ended up painting two fish spoon rests - but not as ugly as that link. its hard to gauge the paint colors when painting the stuff--i hope i didn't use too much paint. since i'd break these, i'm giving one to my sick friend and the other to accessg's mom, but that's if they look good when i pick them up sunday.
i picked the fish spoon things because there really wasn't anything else interesting to paint. they had the mugs, dishes, and doo-dads to choose from, but nothing really silly. i would have luved it if they had something like this (scroll down). i often feel like a horse's ass, so that would've been perfect.
one of the reasons i guess i never got into pottery is that i'm such a butterfinger. If a dish or bowl is breakable, i'll test it out. I don't use glass drinkware anymore since i broke every single glass i got in my divorce, even my half of a german rootbeer set, which are pretty tough to break. i'm into plastics. well, not the surgical type really, but i'm a big plastic cup and bowl fan.
so what would be more fun than to somehow get sucked into an evening of pottery making? that's what i ended up doing last night. my friend who was supposed to come with me ended up getting sick, or maybe she had second thoughts on the whole pottery thing. it was fun and all. i ended up painting two fish spoon rests - but not as ugly as that link. its hard to gauge the paint colors when painting the stuff--i hope i didn't use too much paint. since i'd break these, i'm giving one to my sick friend and the other to accessg's mom, but that's if they look good when i pick them up sunday.
i picked the fish spoon things because there really wasn't anything else interesting to paint. they had the mugs, dishes, and doo-dads to choose from, but nothing really silly. i would have luved it if they had something like this (scroll down). i often feel like a horse's ass, so that would've been perfect.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
i feel funny and political
no good deed goes unpunished.
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i feel safer and healthier now. Thank You Bush voters!
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"Well, why don't we have women-only cities and men-only cities?" Dr. Al-Rasheed asks. "Perhaps they could assign certain days of the year when we can meet our mates and breed." Dear Bush Voters: by the way, does the democracy-steamroller include other middle east countries? like saudi arabia? did you know that saudi arabia has genetically altered women that
become dyslexic and deaf during their periods? what kind of freaky society is that? how can democracy flourish there? perhaps we should use force. certainly they'd welcome us with cheers.
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...i'd love to! what works best for you—when hell freezes over or when monkeys fly out of my butt?
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Your job sucks, but you can still smile at work all the time. i should pin-up a photocopy in our lunchroom.
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wikipedia entries that didn't make it.
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hey Bush voter! have you gotten your ass down to the recruiting station yet? no? that's too bad. don't you see that a lack of recruits will reinstitute the draft, which will send you into your president's useless war, causing people to get serious about what we're doing in the middle east, thus ending the war and getting the republicans to crawl back to the roach motel they came from. if you want to make sure that all our civil liberties are erased, better get the keys to the Explorer and high-tail your fat ass now! or, round up those 18-and-up young republicans at your house and get going! times'a'wastin'.
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i feel safer and healthier now. Thank You Bush voters!
----------------------------------------
"Well, why don't we have women-only cities and men-only cities?" Dr. Al-Rasheed asks. "Perhaps they could assign certain days of the year when we can meet our mates and breed." Dear Bush Voters: by the way, does the democracy-steamroller include other middle east countries? like saudi arabia? did you know that saudi arabia has genetically altered women that
become dyslexic and deaf during their periods? what kind of freaky society is that? how can democracy flourish there? perhaps we should use force. certainly they'd welcome us with cheers.
---------------------------------------
...i'd love to! what works best for you—when hell freezes over or when monkeys fly out of my butt?
---------------------------------------
Your job sucks, but you can still smile at work all the time. i should pin-up a photocopy in our lunchroom.
---------------------------------------
wikipedia entries that didn't make it.
---------------------------------------
hey Bush voter! have you gotten your ass down to the recruiting station yet? no? that's too bad. don't you see that a lack of recruits will reinstitute the draft, which will send you into your president's useless war, causing people to get serious about what we're doing in the middle east, thus ending the war and getting the republicans to crawl back to the roach motel they came from. if you want to make sure that all our civil liberties are erased, better get the keys to the Explorer and high-tail your fat ass now! or, round up those 18-and-up young republicans at your house and get going! times'a'wastin'.
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